Bungle in the Jungle

Oh, the excitement. With the latest system upgrade I can write in color. This could come in handy when I talk about rednecks.

So last night I went to Heroes as usual, accompanied by my pal Wendy (aka "Shellie," as she was greeted by a former acquaintance last night), and later on Mike and Brian. We had a feeling it was going to be an amusing evening, and we were right. As soon as we walked in the doors, a man exiting the establishment told us to be careful, as it was "a jungle in there." However, he didn't mention if it brought him to his "sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na knees, knees."

We entered the bar, purchased beverages, and due to the blinding brightness of the not-yet-turned-down indoor lights, decided to hightail it to the beer garden. All the stars were out last night at Heroes, including Steve Sanders (the lookalike, not really Ian Ziering), Bruce Willis(again, a lookalike, but more of a meld of Bruce and Mr. Clean) and "America's Next Top Model" Adrianne Curry (actually her, not a lookalike). As my family had been big fans of this show, I quickly called my mom to inform her of the sighting. When I told her that "America's Next Top Model" was at the bar, she asked me which one, which amused me, because I really doubt any models who aren't originally from Joliet spend much time at Heroes & Legends. Who knows though, maybe it could become an international hot spot one day. I spread the news of America's Next Top Model to many an acquaintance, including "Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember," who we ran into in the bathroom line. Speaking of the bathroom line, I just can't join in the "girls using the guys' bathroom when the line's too long" phenomenon. I'm not saying the women's restroom at Heroes is always sparkling clean, but it's got to be better than the men's room.

It was a night for teachers at Heroes, as we encountered many professionals in the education field, including a fellow "JCA Student Prints" writer who was confused when he thought Wendy asked him if he was an employee of "The Student Prince." Another fellow JCA alum soaked up the celebrity spotlight by attempting some parlor tricks with disappearing cigarettes. Speaking of parlor tricks, has anyone seen Amish in the City? The new reality show on UPN is surprisingly tasteful and features Mose, an Amish lad who spends a lot of time crafting little wooden toys and games the likes of which I've seen on the tables at Cracker Barrel. Ooh Cracker Barrel. It's been years! Does anyone know if it's open 24 hours?

Back to Heroes, it was overall a night of hilarity. At one point Wendy and I were outside and saw a couple guys in some matching motorcycle/motocross (I obviously know nothing about these things) jackets. I predicted something amusing would happen with these biker boys, and I was correct, as a little later they came up to us and asked us if we wanted to "go for a ride." We quickly declined, to their disappointment. They seemed completely surprised that we weren't chomping at the bit to ride (presumably motorcycles, but they hadn't mentioned what exactly we'd be riding at that point) with complete strangers who were possibly intoxicated. Also, one of the biker boys was only wearing his jacket halfway on, which was a creative look. At least his collar wasn't up. To be polite, I asked them what kind of bikes they had, not that I know anything about bikes (besides perhaps Schwinn and Huffy). They spouted off some brands, but nothing registered with me and they moved on to look for willing victims. I should have asked if they'd had a sidecar, because that might have been tempting.

We danced a lot this week, though I am confused by the concept of Eddie's Co-DJ Hollywood Bob. Every week (although I don't know if he mentioned it this week), he claims it's his last week at Heroes, yet he always comes back. Have plans fallen through? Does he want attention? Is Heroes just a "hard habit to break?" No one knows, maybe not even the small man with painstakingly tweezed eyebrows that seemed to join the DJ entourage briefly while the evening's "booty shaking" contests were going on (the prizes were from "Eternal Body Jewelry," aka the stand at the mall that, according to Courtney and Rob, sells Metallica navel rings), then as Wendy put it, "Quantum Leaped out of there." While dancing, I had an amusing encounter with local bar legend "The Hat Man." I don't know this man's name, but he's always wearing some sort of fedora (or those hats that are like fedoras but flat at the top, I don't know what they're called). At one point, I saw a girl dancing who seemed to be wearing the Hat Man's hat, and later on while I was dancing, I felt a tap on the shoulder, and the Hat Man was holding out his hat for me to wear. I declined the offer (I don't trust hats that have been passed around), but felt proud that I had been deemed worthy of the hat. In other dancing news, I highly enjoyed the blotter today:

Woman wanted in stabbing incident
JOLIET — A woman stabbed a man in the arm after the two argued over his talent for dancing Wednesday night, police said.
The stabbed man was taken to Provena Saint Joseph Medical Center after the 9 p.m. attack at Evergreen Terrace. He was treated for a quarter-inch puncture wound to his tricep.
The 20-year-old man was "hanging out" on the north side of Evergreen's 362 N. Broadway building and began dancing. The woman shouted at him that he thought he was "better than anyone else," police said, and also apparently denigrated his dancing skills.
The man told the woman to "back away," police said, and she punched him in the face. He responded to this physical contact by pushing her to the ground, police said.
The man then turned to walk away and the woman stabbed him in the tricep with a kitchen knife, police said.
The woman chased the bleeding man all around the Evergreen Terrace apartment complex, police said, but the man managed to give her the slip in the 358 N. Broadway building.
Police said the knife-wielding woman is about 20 years old, 5-foot-10 with a medium build and has braids. She was last seen wearing a blue sleeveless shirt and blue denim capri pants.
Besides suffering a stab wound to his arm, the man also suffered the loss of his $135 Hugo Boss sports jacket and his $30 Geoffrey Beane dress shirt, which were torn in the attack.

All I can say is "Drama!" This guy must have been really cocky with his dancing prowess, but I think a dance-off would be a better attempt to thwart him than stabbing. That woman needs to see "You Got Served." I'm also sorry that the $30 dollar Geoffrey Beene shirt got damaged. That's a loss noone should have to "suffer." That's all I have for now. Adios!