Thursday, May 02, 2002

Sign your name across my butt. . .



I thought I'd share a classic story today, since today's Herald News was very boring. Since everyone knows I enjoy a good booty story, I thought that I'd share a tale from the rear.
Last Friday night Melissa, Blair, Joe, Melanie, and I went to a couple bars in Naperville. We started out at Jimmy's, and after a while two girls arrived. One of the girls had no distinctive traits, but the other girl stood out a bit. First, she had on patchwork jeans, which I always find amusing, due to the fact that there is a girl at our local bars who I've deemed "Patchwork Princess" due to her love affair with multicolored denim. But not only was she wearing disturbingly tight pants, the ass of the pants, as I quickly pointed out to Melissa, was emblazoned with a signature of some sort. Now who could this be? We discussed at the table, and although my former employer Kid Rock was a viable option, we weren't satisfied with mere "ass"umptions: remember, to assume makes an ass out of you and me! However, Melissa and I were worried that Patches might think we were staring at her rump with more than just penmanship in mind if we asked her who signed the pants, and the guys at the table weren't willing to do so either. So we headed on to Features with unanswered questions. After a brief incident with Heineken skunk beer, who should turn up but Patches Patty herself! In our excitement Melissa and I vowed to do whatever it took to find out who signed them. For a brief while this consisted of staring intensely at her ass, which drew some strange, yet interested looks from nearby barflies. We were able to make out an uppercase "Z" in the signature, which made Joe guess that Billy Zane was the phantom signer, but again "ass"umptions were not enough. We pleaded our case to some fellow Cubs fans, but no deal. Finally, we walked up to a guy sitting near the Denim Diva and asked him to do it, he agreed (score!) and called her over. I was slightly frightened at the prospect of speaking to Patches herself, but after observing her doing body shots off hapless males at Jimmy's (whose friends commented, "He's ruining our rep!"), I figured she was an easygoing gal. Our new friend asked her the question, and she responded that her friend, an up and coming designer, made the jeans, and she had him sign them (perhaps so she could sell them on Ebay one day?). We were satisfied with the answer and went on our way. However, this up and coming designer wasn't too creative with his designs, as those pants are seen everywhere now. Who was he? Charlotte Russe? Wet Seal? Or the Fashion Bug himself?

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