'Nado Season - a "Hot Topic" guest entry by Kelly

While some of us may have had more mundane times during Friday's "Gustnadoes," reader Kelly of Plainfield had an adventure in the most dreaded of places: the Louis Joliet Mall. Already a "Tornado Alley" due to the rare breeds of Whiskey Tango frequenting such hot spots as Shamrock Furniture, The Tinder Box, and the scary vitamin store, one can only imagine the horror of being trapped in our Gapless mall during a real twister. Here's Kelly's firsthand account.


Friday night was supposed to be an innocent night involving a quick dinner at TGI Fridays followed by a bit of shopping. Little did I know, the first store I entered would be the last. Eric suggested checking out Hot Topic since he was dressed in a Billabong shirt and not prepped out like usual. I agreed it was a good idea, and prepared myself to browse through skulls, piercings, and yes- the creepy dolls. After a quick glance at the clearance section did nothing to amuse either of us, we were about to exit the premises, when......

Mall Security came running down the main corridor armed with megaphones yelling, "GET TO THE BACK OF THE STORES- GET TO THE BACK OF THE STORES- DO NOT LEAVE THE STORES."

Eric and I glanced at each other, warily eyed the punk-ass kids who were also in the store, and slowly trudged to the back. E rolled his eyes and said under his breath to me, "Is it too late to switch to the book store?" I snicked and pondered it for a minute, then suggested maybe we could just perish and forget it all. I stretched out my arms, looked up at the sky and called out to Yahweh - "Take me, I'm yours."

Meanwhile, I eyed the others whose fate would soon be known. A bunch of punk-ass kids who wish they were as cool as me.... they were full of comments and full of annoyance and we began to wish the 'nado would just hit so it would all be over.

One guy who seemed to be the leader of the group had longish blond hair and braces with a dopey grin on his face. I asked Eric if he also wish his lips would get caught on his braces. Braces Boy was full of comments including:

"Dude, these dolls will look sweet flying around when the 'nado hits."
"Hey, I've got a great idea, let's all get free shit!"

After I made several nasty comments, including a recommendation they they all walk outside and check the weather for me, I sighed and decided I better make the most of the situation. I picked up a vampire book, got comfortable on the floor and said, "Well, I might as well catch up on some reading."

There was also an LIC (large and in charge) girl who took advantage of the situation and was continuing to shop. She was quite annoyed with Eric for standing in front of the doll she was trying to look at.

While I read about the different types of blood and what is tasty about each, some of the younger punks realized that it really was a serious situation and started whining, "I don't waannnnaaa diiiieeeee."

I said to Eric, "It's gonna be a long night if this 'nado takes its time."

The employees decided to bond with me and E, even though we didn't have facial piercings. I pondered showing the navel, but didn't want to turn on the youngins, who were in the dressing room and had already said in reference to the dressing room, "Dude, let's all go in the make-out room."

All of the sudden I had to piss incredibly badly, so an employee let me into the back and put Eric in charge while she was gone. While I was gone, one kid asked, "How old are you man?" Eric answered and the kid said, "Dude, so you won't mind dying."

One kid also asked if I had a nice car. "Very nice," I said through gritted teeth. "Well, it's gonna get trashed in the 'nado," he said. I just rolled my eyes.

I cannot think of the rest right now, but must say I was quite relieved to get the "All Clear" message from the ever-powerful mall security. Needless to say, we didn't get much shopping in that night.