Baby Got Back

I'm back from my week in Chicago. It was very entertaining; I visited my sister, who was on vacation and went to my college roommate Janice's wedding. Here are some quick highlights:

1. Segway: I met a guy on a Segway scooter outside the bar we were at on Thursday for part of Janice's bachelorette party. I didn't know if it was appropriate to ask to ride it; after all, I didn't know the guy and since we had been drinking, I didn't want to get an SUI (Scootin' Under the Influence). Instead, I had my picture taken with him. I also got his business card for his ice cream store. I have no idea what the relationship is between Segway and ice cream, and I don't know if I'll find out, but the picture is awesome.

2. Old School: The original bachelorette party plan was dinner at Flat Top, drinks (with the bachelor party) at SoPo, then karaoke at Trader Todd's. Parts A & B went fine, but we left Trader Todd's quickly due to the fact that it smelled like vomit (or, as Sean Murphy said, "like yack"). Alas, I never got to serenade the bride with my version of "Butterfly Kisses," (walk me down the aisle daddy, it's just about time. . .does my wedding dress look purty daddy, daddy don't cry) but maybe it's better that way. We decided to go to Brew N View, a movie theater with a bar, to see Old School, one of my current favorites. The highlight for me was a group of drunk guys sitting next to us who yelled throughout the majority of the movie, "You're my boy, Blue!" "You're my boy, Blue!" After a while, I joined in too.

3. Other people like the Jackhammers: Caille, a girl I went to Northwestern with, was in the wedding, and her parents were at our table. Little did I know that her dad was an avid fan of minor league baseball and had attended some Jackhammers games, even though they're from Indiana. He was highly entertained by my story of the Jammermobile incident.

4. The Dance-Off that Never Was: At one point "In the Club" was played during the dancing. You can imagine my excitement. As I was dancing, I overheard some random guy saying, "50 Cent's my man!" I couldn't back down from this challenge and said, "No, he's my man!" This went back and forth a few times until we decided to have a 50 Cent Dance-Off. I went to go request more songs, but unfortunately that was all the Fitty that the DJ had. I requested some Journey and went on my merry way.

5. Illegal Electric Slide: Being a sane person, Janice specifically requested that the DJ NOT play the Electric Slide or the Chicken Dance. Being insane people, we decided to do them anyway, but to whatever song was playing at the time. This was very entertaining.

6. Bachelorette fashion: The night before the bachelorette party Julie and I created Janice's outfit for the evening. We decided to make a crown using a tiara that Julie had along with various items we purchased at the Pleasure Chest (like the Morris Adult Bookstore, only on Fur Face), ie condoms, and little tubes of "Love Gels." Julie bought a shirt for us to write the various things Janice would have to do during the evening on the back, and the front had a picture of the Chicago skyline. I decided to violate Janice's "no penis paraphenalia" rule and cut one out of a magazine (I creatively used a Caress soap add that showed someone's back in order to get skin toned paper) and we glued it on the outline of the Sears Tower on the shirt. I suppose the Hancock tower would have been more appropriate, but oh well.

In other news, I did a little Herald News backtracking in order to update you with the latest and greatest from the Police Blotter.

Car burglarized


JOLIET — A Lockport woman watched from the door of the Bennigan's restaurant in the Louis Joliet Mall as a man looted her unlocked car Wednesday.

The 19-year-old was at Bennigan's with a 17-year-old from Indiana and a 17-year-old from Lockport. They reportedly saw a 6-foot black man in his early 20s with a medium build, wearing a striped shirt and head rag in the 19-year-old's 1991 Oldsmobile.

The man made his getaway in a blue four-door Pontiac Grand Am with a woman behind the wheel, police said.

The Lockport woman reportedly lost a DVD, a phone charger and a pack of Newports to the car-breaker.

First, I hope she wasn't too distraught about the Newports. I know they're an irreplacable item, but I think she'll be OK. On to the main question: Where's the Bennigan's at Louis Joliet Mall? Are they talking about Friday's? Is Shamrock Furniture a secret pathway to Bennigan's? What's the story? I want my Irish themed restaurant and I want it NOW!

Man shot in face


JOLIET — A man was shot in the face with a bottle rocket outside his Morris Street home Wednesday.

The 34-year-old man told police he was standing at the end of his driveway shortly after 3:30 a.m. when he heard a vehicle approach.

He turned toward a late-1980s Ford Mustang convertible and the next thing he knew he was hit in the face and chest by a bottle rocket.

The man told police he yelled at the driver of the Mustang, who he apparently believes shot the bottle rocket. The driver stopped his car, according to a police report, and "challenged" the man "to do something about it."

The man's shirt reportedly was burned in the attack. He also suffered redness to his upper lip and told police a tooth on the left side of his mouth "did not feel right."

"Challenged"? I keep thinking of that Cosby Show episode where Cliff has the tap dance-off with the guy at the dance studio and they keep saying, "Challenge!" I just can't imagine the pain of suffering redness to the lip. I tend to put my self through that pain intentionally, I think it's called lipstick. Also, what exactly is the medical explanation for a tooth that does not feel right? No wonder it doesn't feel "right," it's on the left side of his mouth!

That's about all I got to write right now. I should have some good Jackhammers related stories tomorrow.