Boo-ya

Sorry it's been so long. I think I need to start doing smaller, more frequent updates, that way I don't have to write epics every time I do update. I am also VERY amused by the fact that someone found my website looking for "Under the Tuscan Sun bootleg." First, I wasn't aware that there was any great desire for blackmarket Lifetime for Women feature films. Also, whoever is looking for the item should probably travel in the opposite direction of my website, it just ain't gonna be here. Anyway, here's the latest and greatest from the Herald News:

'Suspicious' incident
JOLIET — A man arrived at work Monday morning to find a bag containing a note with his name on it, yellow women's underwear, a shirt and "wet lubricant," police said.
The man found the small brown bag on the front step of Carlson-Holmquist-Sayles Funeral Home at 2320 Black Road shortly after 11 a.m.
Police labeled the incident "suspicious."

I would label the incident "lubricated." Also, isn't "wet lubricant" redundant? The whole situation just sounds like the remnants of an extra kinky (not to be confused with Extra Crispy, Colonel) scavenger hunt to me. What else was on the list? Furry handcuffs? Whips and/or chains? Two tickets to Sybaris?

And then there are a couple highlights from otherwise uninteresting blotter entries. One of the men who robbed a Jackson Street eatery was described as wearing a "black hoodie." Apparently Aeropostale fashion slang has worked its way into the pages of the Herald News. Speaking of hoodies (btw a word I've only recently been able to use, I always hated it so much in the past), the latest radio ad for Plato's Closet (which, although I like the whole clothes for cash exchange, smells like flooded basement), in which a "hip teen" exclaims, "I can't live without my hoodies!" Almost as classic as the tv ad in which a metal-mouthed teen pronounces, "Definitely Abercrombie." Another highlight: a "missing" homeless man (hint: check everywhere) who threatened workers at the IL Department of Human Services is described as carrying a "green bag." Citizens on Patrol: if you see a man with "blond and gray hair" who fits the description, make sure he's got the green bag. Otherwise, keep movin.' There was also a recent case of urine swappin' going on on Ruby Street as a man conned a youth into lending him some urine for a drug test. Luckily the urinating youngster's grandma tipped off the police to the situation at hand. . . An "unknown dude" attacked a man at Miss Camille's Saturday night with a blender, a beer bottle, or a large glass pitcher. . . A attempted robbery at La Mex was thwarted by kitchen staff who attacked the would-be thief with spatulas. Sounds like a situation straight out of Burgertime to me.
And then there's these two "sticky situations":

'Harassing' neighbor
JOLIET — Residents of Westminster Road complained to police Monday of a neighbor "constantly harassing everyone."
The man recently yelled at residents when he apparently grew angry about leaves from their tree falling on his grass, police said. He also blamed them for the grass in his back yard turning brown.
"Both cases are unfounded and obviously caused by nature," police said. "This is an ongoing problem."

I hate to see what this guy does when it snows. However, if someone egged his house, he'd probably see it as an Act of God.

Beware of deer
JOLIET — Sheriff Paul Kaupas warned the public Wednesday to be leery of deer. Note: I'll be sure to avoid watching Bambi.
Kaupas' department in recent weeks has seen an increase in the number of traffic accidents involving deer. He stressed that motorists take care when driving, as love is in the air and this is the season when deer go into rut. This makes them run across roads more often than usual.
Extra special caution should be taken when traveling on county and township roads, or when driving at night or in the early morning.

Citizens: Beware Horny Deer. Maybe they should change the "Deer Crossing" signs to "Horny Deer Crossing." All they'd have to do is put little hearts above the deer's heads (Shannon, let me know if that agreement is correct, damn plural and singular nouns being the same). They could even just use little magnets so they wouldn't have to put up new signs when the deer are "out of rut." Is anyone else picturing that scene in Bambi when all the animals are "twitter-patin' "? Ok, maybe just me.


Now that we've gotten the news out of the way, back to my oh so exciting tales of the past week. Thursday night featured the usual trip to Heroes. This week's early '90's TV star "fauxlebrity" was a Dave "Joey Gladstone on Full House and object of Alanis Morrisette's wrath" Coulier lookalike. Glad to see someone was making up for the absence of Steve Sanders. Other than that there really wasn't much excitement in the air, but thanks to the Heroes DJ for playing the Outkast song, and I don't quite understand the mesh top trend. I recognize that it's "in vogue" and I tried on a top at Express, but I just felt like a soccer net. Ah well. Speaking of fashion: T-Shirt sighting: "The Cross: It's Not About Jewelry, It's About Jesus." Amusingly enough, this was actually a swolley worn by a female. My comment about this shirt? "Religion: It's Not About Being Passive-Aggressive and Judgmental. It's About Being Nice to People." Friday night I went to a retirement party and finally was able to drink another margarita after the disaster that was the Chipotle margarita I had during Nancy's birthday celebration in April (note: Chipotle margarita=strong).

Saturday night was Megan's annual Halloween party. A good time was had by all. Costumes sported included a Hula Girl, Catholic School Girls, a Dirty Old Man, Cleopatra, a '50's girl, an angel, Hans and Franz, French Painter but not a Baker, and many more, including Special Guest Star Buckets the Clown. Much drinking, eating, and Dance Dance Revolution playing occurred, and more Halloween fun will be had tomorrow. Not much other new news to report, I'm really looking forward to seeing what citizens of Joliet will be sporting for the Halloween season. Bye for now!