Corn Maze: Labyrinth of Hell

So I've never been very good with directions. For the majority of my young life (and this is my Jessica Simpson moment of the day), I thought that north was in front of you, south was in back of you, and if you changed positions, the directions would change with you. However, when Shannon told me she was doing a story for the Enterprise on the corn maze at Keller's Farmstand, entitled, "The 2003 Maze of Mythos," and invited me to join her, I agreed. Even though I get lost easily (note: I only discovered Friday night that there are two separate ladies rooms at Movies 8, I always thought there was just one long one behind the snack bar), I was very excited. I enjoy corn (on the cob and popped), I like "autumn activities" (mostly because I get to wear my new fall coat, yay), and I assumed that there would be some food involved (I was hoping for hot cider and grilled hot dogs). However, I wasn't aware that the Corn Maze was actually the Labyrinth of Hell.

It all started out innocently enough, we walked up to the ticket booth, paid our six bucks, and picked up our maps. The woman at the counter claimed that the maze would take about an hour and a half. We immediately made our first mistake, deciding to ignore the maps and wander aimlessly, checking off the 10 checkpoints in the maze as we came across them rather than using a strategy. I was mistaken on the "good food" count, they had pop and Rosati's pizza (I've never had Rosati's, if I have I don't recall it, but I just wasn't in a pizza mood). I was also mistaken in believing that the corn maze was haunted, I was hoping that creatures would pop out at you, haunted house style, throughout the maze, but basically it was just corn, checkpoints, and, accompanying the checkpoints, "News You Can Use" regarding the legend of Theseus and the Minotaur, as the corn maze was arranged in the shape of their "epic battle" this year. Personally I would have preferred to have gone through 2001's Abraham Lincoln maze ("Oh no, I'm lost in the mole!"), but I didn't have a Way Back Machine with me. The corn maze had several rules. I will list them now, and refer to them throughout my tale.

1. There is no corn maze.
2. No Smoking or open flame
3. No Alcohol
4. Stay on trail path, do not cross the maze tape.
5. No picking or throwing corn.
6. Always be on guard. Never let her out of your sight. Never fall in love.
7. Children 12 and under must be accompanied by an adult.
8. No Pets Please
9. Do not tell anyone about Corn Maze. No, seriously. If you break the rules, you will be asked to leave.

I commented to Shannon that the Corn Maze would probably enjoyable with a slight beer buzz. However, I'm glad that we were sober, because otherwise, I would have never gotten out alive. Another rule should have been, "Shannon and Emily must be accompanied by an adult."

We began ambling through the corn maze, coming across some dead ends, but also making some correct turns. We came across the first open area, in which a kind maze worker showed us the path to the nearest checkpoint. We punched off the checkpoint on our map, still under the sad, sad illusion that this would be easy. Thanking the "amazing" employee, we moved on, assuming there would be more of her kind throughout the maze. Little did we know that she would be the only one. . .

When we began the maze we were in the "Theseus" area. We were able to punch off checkpoints in his knee and chest before happening upon the entrance to the Minotaur. Let's just say that we bid adieu to Theseus too soon, little did we know how much we'd miss him.

Still enjoying ourselves, we punched off several checkpoints in the minotaur: his knee, temple, fist, and thumb. I'd occasionally comment on things we'd see on the ground, a Poland Spring bottle, an M&M, thinking that it might be a good idea to use them to remember where we'd been.

After a while, we realized we were seeing the same checkpoints, over and over and over. We also kept running into people who were looking for checkpoint 3. For some reason, checkpoint 3 was the ONLY checkpoint we could find, and everyone else seemed to be having difficulties. Checkpoint 3 became the bane of our existence. We decided it would be a good idea to head back to Theseus, but we had become snack food for the Minotaur, and could not emerge from his environs.

It was at this point that we stopped playing the Maze, and the Maze began playing us. We were hungry, very hungry, and that M&M on the ground stopped looking dusty and started looking tasty. We kept passing people looking for Checkpoint 3, and while we could tell them that we had seen it several times, we had no idea where it was. I fervently wished that Malachi, or perhaps one of the other "Children of the Corn," would emerge from the stalks and put us out of our pain. If this had been a haunted maze, the various boogeymen could at least help us find our way out, though they'd probably be laughing in the process. At this point we could feel no shame, all we wanted to see was Route 30 again. I asked Shannon if it would help if I had brought a compass, and she said that she wouldn't know what to do with it. Since I hadn't paid much attention during Compass Day in 6th grade Social Studies, neither would I.

At some point Shannon and I recalled rule 7: "If you break the rules, you will be asked to leave." We didn't care if we left by choice or by force, there was no shame in our game. As we did not have a lighter, cigarettes, Zima, or a hamster, rules 2, 3, and 8 were out of the question. We decided that destruction was the best idea, and went for rule 5, and I halfheartedly pulled off an ear of corn and dropped it to the ground. Apparently security isn't too tight at the farm, so no corn police came to take us away. Our journey continued. . .

Up to this point we had mostly encountered families in the corn maze, save for a group of junior high school (or maybe high school girls) who we teamed up with briefly early in the maze only to lose track of them later on. However, we suddenly came across some bespectacled teenage males who seemed to know what they were doing. They looked like the kind of guys who might study labyrinths in their spare time, at least when they weren't hanging out at Babbage's. We asked one of them if he knew where he was going, and he said, "Yes," and continued moving. The middle finger was raised at his retreating back. Another guy was more charitable, and began showing us the way back. However, he could only go so far, and when I asked him what to do next, he said, "Read the map." That just wasn't an option for our tired, ignorant souls. When you're almost at the point of breakdown, a topical map in the shape of a mythological battle ain't gonna do crap to help.

Finally we came across some kindred spirits, a boisterous group of teens. We asked where they were going, they said that they just wanted to get out of there. We agreed and joined forces. However, their exit route was a little more direct than our aimless wandering; they broke Rule Number 4: "Stay on trail path, do not cross the maze tape." After a minute of hesitation, we followed them. These kids had to be pretty covert about their operations, as they were from some kind of youth group and had to avoid the wrath of their pastor. We ducked under the tape and entered another segment of the maze, and about ten minutes later, stomachs growling and spirits damaged, but not broken, we exited the maze. Note: this was about 2 and a half hours after we entered.

As we walked out to the car, we saw a couple teenage girls exiting the maze. One of the employees commented that they'd gotten out pretty fast. Apparently, they were in there for less than an hour and had made it all to the checkpoints (we got 7 out of 10). We tried not to think about this too much and headed to the promised land: Quizno's.