News You Can Use

1. O.J.: The Melrose Cafe is kicking it up a notch with their soundtracks. Apparently O.J. is a regular lunchtime customer of Melrose, and has noticed that each weekday they play music of a different decade. O.J. recommends dining at Melrose on Wednesdays, when '80's music is featured. This would lead me to assume that Mondays are '60's, Tuesdays are '70's, Thursdays are '90's, and Fridays are the hits of today, but I can't assume too much. Wondering what to dine on at the Melrose? O.J. recommends the chicken sandwich.

2. The radio: McDonalds has added a new taste temptation to their menu: apple dippers. Apparently you can now purchase apple slices with caramel dipping sauce at McDonalds. I have to say that I kind of question this marketing decision. I love apples and caramel, but I can easily do that at home, and I question how fresh these apples are going to be. Unless this caramel sauce is seriously awesome I don't see myself being a regular purchaser. What's next, Bumps on a Log (celery w/ raisins and peanut butter for those not in the loop) at BK? I may have to challenge our taste tester O.J. to check these out. My personal favorite McDonalds story would have to be during the summer I interned at former Joliet radio station 100.7 the Bus. Every Friday we would go to an area McDonalds and give out coupons for free fries to anyone who let us put a Bus bumper sticker on their car. This was extremely entertaining, especially when we went to Coal City and Wilmington. Someone in Coal City told me that this would probably be the most exciting thing ever to happen in Coal City, and the kids in Wilmington asked me for my autograph. Note: I was an intern, not on the air or in any way a radio celebrity, but I signed some kid's D.A.R.E. hat.

3.The Herald News: You cannot feed dead squirrels. Yesterday's "Your Life" section had a really sweet article about a family that rescued a baby squirrel and tried to nurse it back to health, but unfortunately the squirrel passed away. The article is accompanied by pictures of the squirrel, "Rocky," including one of him being fed with an eye dropper. The caption of the picture states that the picture was taken before the squirrel died. I would hope that most readers would make that conclusion on their own and not think that the paper was trying to create a dramatic reenactment with a dead squirrel.

4.The FAO Schwarz toy catalog: Rich people are crazy. We got the new catalog in the mail yesterday. I love this catalog because it has the most hilarious items that noone in their right mind would purchase. For example, we have $165 crystal Pez dispensers, this really cool treehouse built out of an old tree for $7500, and my personal favorite, a "junior off-roader" for $30,000 that can be accompanied by a fully outfitted mini camper for another $20,000. You can buy a REAL CAR for $30,000, why would you buy a "junior off-roader" that your kid is going to outgrow anyway. That being said, the Trading Spaces house that you can decorate yourself is awesome. If only it came with Ty the carpenter.

5.Jessica Simpson is dumb: I never thought that the Newlyweds" show on MTV with Jessica Simpson and her new husband Nick Lachey would be entertaining, I figured it would just be really sappy. However, it is just about as hilarious as The Osbournes' first season. The show spares no expense at making Jessica Simpson look like an idiot, and she gives them lots of material. I've only watched an episode and a half, but it's comic gold. For instance, in the first episode, Jessica eats tuna fish. She asks her husband, "Nick, is this fish or is this chicken?" Dumbfounded, he replies that it's tuna FISH. She is confused, and replies, "Well the can says Chicken by the Sea!" In the other episode I saw she goes golfing, and makes the observation that LPGA golfers must not have boobs, because they get in the way of golfing. I have not seen the episode where they go camping, but according to Shannon, she takes her Louis Vuitton bag with her to the campsite. Now if I was sporting real Louis Vuitton (I only have Louis Fauxtton), you can bet I wouldn't be taking it camping. Not that I camp anyway, so I guess the point is probably moot, but still. As an avid watcher of reality tv, I have to say this show ranks almost as high on a comedic level as my personal favorite Paradise Hotel. Side note: Jessica's new song is called "The Sweetest Sin," which sounds like a Designer Imposter cologne. Nick's new album (his first without the other 98 Degrees) is called "Soulo," which sounds. . .dumb, and his new song is called "Shut Up." No comment.

On a final note, I want to give a shout out to my neighbor and little buddy Jack on his debut as a "G-Rated Viewer" for the Herald News. Unfortunately there's no link available online, but Jack's review of a book about airplanes, "Flying: Just Plane Fun" is concise, unbiased, and overall top-notch. While he felt that the book had "too many little paragraphs all over the page, making it hard to follow" and "didn't read like a normal book," he also stated that it "makes flying a plane look interesting. You learn a lot about planes that you didn't already know." His overall grade for the book was a B+. I was a bit confused by fellow G-Rated Reviewer Carmen, who gave the book an A. Check out what Carmen "Liked Least" about the book: "How a man (without a name) showed off his boat and smoked the kids on the dock. That was a mean thing to do to those kids." I thought this book was about airplanes! I also wonder if the man (without a name) ever "rode through the desert on a horse with no name," but anyway. Carmen also comments that the book shows "all the beautiful and wonderful views of the state of Wisconsin." I wasn't aware that Wisconsin was quite so scenic, but I guess the Dells do look pretty cool when you're a kid. I look forward to reading more of Jack and Carmen's reviews soon.