News You Can Use

Welcome to this week's edition of News You Can Use!

1. Legal Larry & the Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember: Crazy stuff happens in Coal City. I was sent an interesting article from the Coal City Courant about a man who claimed to be sexually assaulted by a neighbor. The man had invited said neighbor over for drinks when some crazy shenanigans (well, when are shenanigans not crazy?) occurred: "The man told police the neighbor asked to use the bathroom and when he returned he was dressed in nylons and a bra. My questions: did he bring the nylons and bra over to the neighbors? If so, what did he carry them in? A man purse or a "European satchel?" The article goes on, and the story gets more tawdry: "Sometime that evening the complainant reportedly passed out and told police he later awoke to discover his neighbor engaged in oral sex with him." Again with the questions: Why, oh why, did the evening of drinking go on after the bra and nylons incident? Did he drink to forget? Did the man keep the bra and nylons on? How was this explained? If the Coal City Courant ever follows up on this story, I hope I get the scoop.

2.The Coal City Courant: Coal City has a newspaper called the Courant. Who knew? Not I. I don't even know what a courant is. I know that "au courant" means in style or current, but I've had to hop to www.dictionary.com again to get the 411. They gave me two definitions for courant as a noun: "1. A piece of music in triple time; also, a lively dance; a coranto. 2. A circulating gazette of news; a newspaper." Although I'm sure they do the courant at Regi's BattaBoom Night Club in Coal City (especially these three) I assume that they're going for the latter meaning.

3.The Herald News: Stickers can hurt appliances: The Blotter on Saturday told the vengeful tale of a daughter's friend and her stickers:

Sticker intruder
JOLIET — A woman told police she has been plagued by a friend of her daughter who sneaks into her home at night and sabotages her appliances.
The woman told police this friend of her daughter enters her Iowa Avenue home while she is sleeping. The daughter's friend then places stickers on her home appliances so they will not function.

So what's the deal here? Are these smelly stickers? Lisa Frank stickers? And do they have magical powers, besides just smelling like pizza, skunk, etc.? Is the daughter in on this along with Sticker Sabotagin' Sallie? Also, can't she just peel them off?

4.MTV: One of the Kids from Kids Incorporated is now in the Black Eyed Peas. So I'm watching the "Where Is the Love" video by the Black Eyed Peas, and there's this blonde girl singing in it. I think to myself, "She looks like that girl from Kids Incorporated, Stacy. So I do a little research, and I was right. Quite a jump for Stacy; I wonder what happened to Martika?

Today's Herald News' Common Sense features a few Joliet-centered poems by Tim Placher. Check them out, especially my favorite, "9:20 pm at the Maxx," about mothers who take their kids shopping for the "maximum at the minimum" past their bedtimes. I especially love the closing lines "You go and buy your tube top/And some discontinued sheets./Come wake me when you're all checked out./Now, let me get some sleep."

That's all she wrote. Hasta pronto.