We're Gonna Party, We're Gonna Rock, Here's What's Showing at the Cinemark

I really miss Front Row Joe and Popcorn Penny, half the fun of going to Movies 10 (or Ghetto 8) was watching their adventures ("Quiet please, for the feature!") before the main attraction. I promised you a review of American Wedding, and you'll get not only that, but a review of Bend It Like Beckham as well. But first, the Blotter and my other adventures. . . In Saturday's blotter there was the tale of three Joliet men convicted in a drug operation. Now this might sound like a hard hitting case for Whiskey Tango, but believe you me, I found a gem of a quote. Apparently one of the men had been stashing cocaine at his girlfriend's house. Apparently this man was really worried about the girlfriend testifying, and was quoted as saying "Ain't no case if there ain't no her." I may have to write a rap song with that line, it brings to mind such classic lyrics as Snoop Dogg's "It ain't no fun if the homies can't have none," and Coolio's "Ain't no party like a West Coast Party 'cause a West Coast Party don't stop."

We also have a case of a woman being "illegally touched" at the sales trailer of a construction site in Shorewood. The woman describes the man as having "big eyes," and from the sounds of it, we have a "big eyed" attacker on the loose; Melanie and I wondered if this big eyed man was the same guy from the model home on Thursday, and the Herald News concurs: "Another man, described as having big eyes, reportedly attacked a woman at a far West Side model home Thursday."

Here comes a more lighthearted blotter entry:

Mailbox incident

JOLIET — A woman's mailbox was filled and smeared with whipped cream overnight Thursday.
The woman reported the whipped creaming of the mailbox outside her Arbor Gate Court Thursday morning.
Two 14-year-old girls were implicated in the incident, but not charged. They reportedly agreed to clean up the mess they left.

"The whipped creaming of the mailbox" is my new favorite expression, rather epic in proportion. Use it in a sentence if you will. And finally. . . you knew something entertaining had to happen at the Bob Dylan/Dead concert:

Teen bites police officer

JOLIET — Instead of taking a bite out of crime, a young concert goer decided to take a bite out of a police officer Saturday evening. A 16-year-old girl attending The Dead and Bob Dylan show became upset with an officer when he wouldn't let her use his cell phone to call her mother, police said.
The teen continued pestering the officer for the phone and ignored his answers.
Police said the sweet 16 then turned hostile and started kicking and hitting police.
Finally, she clamped down with her teeth on the officer's forearm.
Police arrested the juvenile and charged her with aggravated battery to a peace officer, battery causing bodily harm, resisting and obstructing a peace officer, and illegal consumption of alcohol by a minor.

I don't think McGruff the Crime Dog would be too proud.

Anyway, back to the weekend and stuff like that. Friday night after a brief stop at Glory Days to say goodbye to Ryan and eat some nachos that were inexplicably topped with shredded Italian beef rather than ground beef, Courtney and I went to see American Pie 3. Some background: I loved American Pie, didn't like American Pie 2 quite as much but still found it entertaining, and was very excited to see the 3rd one. We got some crazy movie previews including one that starred Stifler, the Rock, and Christopher Walken (buy your tickets NOW), then we settled in for an hour and half of mediocrity. This slice of Pie was the worst by far. Yes, it had some hilarious moments, and my new favorite quote is, "It's on like Donkey Kong," but I don't know. . .the plot just wasn't there. It seemed like most of the movie was just a Stifler showcase. Now I love Sean William Scott, I think he's hot for some reason, but he's just losing the Stifmeister. It seemed like it was really hard for him to get back into the role after doing other things, and it just wasn't working. He seemed psychotic rather than hilarious, and he couldn't even get the Stifler face down anymore. Other problems: unnecessary Kevin (I never understood why we had to have his character in the first place), Finch with a scary bloated face, and not enough Jim or Stifler's mom. However, it did have some really funny parts and a great soundtrack (despite the cover version of "Laid"). Overall, I would rate it 2, maybe 2 1/2 stars out of 4. I gotta say, this was no Old School.

Shannon and Joe and I saw "Bend It Like Beckham" last night. I liked this one a lot better than "American Wedding." Why? It had a cute storyline, it was set in England, fun music (the Indian music reminded me of my belly dancing class), and a really, really cute Irish guy with an accent. It was very cheesy and inspirational, but for some reason I really liked it. The soccer playing reminded of the 2 weeks Melissa and I played soccer in high school, my only foray into high school sports as a participant rather than an onlooker. I'd give this movie 3 out of 4 stars.

Another recommendation: Doggy Fizzle Televizzle, Snoop Dogg's show on MTV. I caught about ten minutes of it the other night and it was hilarious. Highlights: Snoop working at a petstore and smoking catnip out of a pipe, a guy trying to break the world record for the Longest Shout-Out ("I'd like to give a shout out to all four of my baby mamas. . ."), and a ripoff of those Sally Struthers commercials for sponsoring orphans in which you could sponsor a washed up rapper ("Call now, Coolio's standing by"). Good stuff.

Okay, final thing for the day. So my uncle is selling raffle tickets, and the prizes include a gift certificate to Sybaris. I was highly amused by this; who wouldn't love the pick-up line "I got a gift certificate to Sybaris, wanna go down the slide?" With some input from my brother and Joe, I came up with a song (set to the tune of Eddie Money's "Two Tickets to Paradise," also known as the theme song to my favorite Fox slutfest "Paradise Hotel") about this topic:

Two Tickets to Sybaris

I'm gonna take you on a trip 25 minutes away,
We can get pizza at the Frankfort Aurelio's if that's OK.

I've got two tickets to Sybaris,
Don't slide into the syphilis!
Two tickets to Sybaris,
Hope the pool's not filled with piss!

I could probably come up with more lyrics, but there really isn't much more to the song. Thanks for the increased amount of comments and tagboarding lately. Please continue to take the 50 Cent quiz, I haven't found any other good quizzes lately except for "Who in B2K is your baby daddy?" and I don't really know what that means. Adios!