Back from the Land O'Cheese

Yep, I'm back from WI, and happily so. The ride home featured some exciting sights such as a sticker that featured Calvin pissing on the Department of Natural Resources, with a bubble coming out of his mouth reading, "Too Many Deer? Yeah Right!" I wasn't aware that Pissing Calvin was such an advocate for animals, but then again he always treated Hobbes pretty well. Unfortunately my personal favorite tourist sight from years past, the "MeetBalls" strip club in Yorkville, has been torn down for years. Apparently it wasn't too successful despite having the most hilarious name ever. I remember how much fun we used to have in high school laughing at that sign on our way to Sandwich. . .which reminds me of how much we used to laugh at how the Blizzards at the local ice cream shop in Sandwich, the "Yum Yum Shop," were called "Yummers." But I digress. . . I did pick up another copy of the Marquette County Tribune on Thursday, but I don't know if I still have it. I'll post the highlights if I find it.

Thursday night we headed to Heroes as usual. There really wasn't too much going on there, except the clientele seemed sketchier than usual. My favorite moment of the night came when Nancy and I were in the bathroom. She was telling me the story of how a guy at Heroes had been asking her if she likes to cook, and what she likes to cook. I laughed and said, "Yeah, Bagel Bites," at which moment a drunk girl came out of the stall, laughing hysterically and exclaiming, "Bagel Bites, puff that shit up!" I really think that Bagel Bites: Puff That Shit Up might be a great new slogan for our favorite pizza snack, even better than "Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time." There were really no other events to be discussed except that there was apparently some kind of private party going on that involved nachos, but the nachos had been abandoned on a table. Special Guest Star Melanie's Mom wondered if anyone was going to eat the nachos, and a bit later I saw a middle aged man, who I don't believe was part of the private party, digging in. Speaking of nachos, the nacho platter at the Hot Skillet is immense. It makes Potato Mout-In look like Potato Bump in the Road!

Friday night's dinner at the Keg featured an exciting sighting in the parking lot: the return of the "Hurry up, My Kid's Got to Pee" bumper sticker. This was a little more grammatically correct than the "Hurry up, Kid's got to Pee" one I saw last year (is your child named Kid?), but still skanky. If your kid's "got to pee" that much, take him to a urologist or something.
Saturday I attended my final Jackhammers game of the season with Megan. Unfortunately they lost, but we still had a great time. Our buddy "O.J" was on duty and we hung out with him for a while. Hanging out with a policeman on duty at a minor league baseball game is quite entertaining; since there's little crime to be committed, people come up and ask pretty strange questions. Here's our list of "What Not to Say to a Police Officer at a Ball Game."
1. Where is the bathroom? The bathroom tends to be located under the signs that say "Men" or "Women." Live it, learn it, love it.
2. Where can I buy water? I believe nachos might have been requested as well. The police officer is not Jack of Jack's Snacks. Concession stands, such as the aforementioned Jack's Snacks, tend to be good spots to buy food items. If they don't sell water, I hear they have a pretty good deal on it at the fountains!
3. This is my personal favorite. A random sketchy man walked up to "O.J" and saw him standing with Megan and I. He asked "O.J." if he was on duty. When he said yes, Sketchy Sam replied something to the effect of, "That's some pretty nice duty." Perhaps if I ever run for office, I will run with the slogan "Vote Emily: She's Some Pretty Nice Duty." I think Megan felt equally blessed by the "compliment."

Another highlight of the Jackhammer game was a Special Guest Star, Reggy! Reggy is some sort of "mascot," I don't know if he represents a team or simply a state of mind, that attends various special events to bless the crowds with his presence. Reggy is a purple creature with hair like french fries, more costume changes than Cher (as stated by my hairdresser, Julie), acrobatic moves, a gravelly speaking voice (why must he speak!) and. . .a giant booger hanging out of his nose. Apparently the booger is to appeal to the young'ins, as our cute new buddy Tony, a six year old whose family participated in the "House a Hammer" program, kept yelling to Reggy, "Reggy! There's something in your nose!" My question about the "House a Hammer" program is that if the players stay with local families during the baseball season, where do they take the girls they pick up at the bars? I can't imagine that host families would allow "nekkid parties." Perhaps "nekkid parties" and the like are part of the unofficial "Nail a Hammer" program.

The weather got pretty cool at the game, and Megan and I decided to check out the sale at the gift shop to find sweatshirts etc. We were checking out some jersey tees when another random sketchy guy came up and said, "Girls, those are youth sizes." We nodded and returned to our browsing. Speaking of fashion, I had a swolley sighting! We were chatting with "O.J" when I saw a girl come up to a guy and tell him how good he looked. She said something to the effect of, "Check out the swolley!" I don't know exactly what she said, but I definitely heard "swolley." After the game they held a live auction of the players' autographed jerseys, as they are getting new styles next season. Melanie had given me money to bid on her favorite player, Brian Mazone, but the bids were pretty high on the first couple jerseys up for auction so we decided to leave. News update: Mazone's jersey was available for bidding at a silent auction at Sunday's game, and Melanie placed the winning bid! Perhaps she can add a belt and wear it as a dress, like the basketball jersey dresses they have at Finish Line at the mall. Ooh, they have baseball dresses as well! I don't know where one would wear a dress like these, besides at a game or perhaps a rap video, but Lataurus Thomas gave the baseball dress five stars: "Everybody in Monroe, Louisiana loves the jersey dresses! So keep them [sic] comming."

We headed to McBrody's to meet up with the rest of the crew. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, except some guy made us wish his friend happy birthday. Apparently being a well wisher was a theme of the evening; I forgot to mention that there was a bachelor party going on at the game and the bachelor had a button that we had to spin in order to perform various dares. Megan had to dance with the best man, and I had to give the groom a hug. Luckily they bypassed the dares that would have made us buy them drinks, they were very nice bachelors.

The rest of the weekend was pretty uneventful, so I'll give you a couple tidbits of Herald News news. Check out this blotter entry, apparently Hooked on Phonics did not work for one local criminal, an article that could be called, "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Theresa?":

Name game
JOLIET — A woman's attempt to trick the law went awry when she could not spell her phony name Thursday, police said.
Falon Love, 25, of 216 Mississippi Ave. was booked on a charge of giving false information to police and released on her own recognizance following a 1:30 a.m. traffic stop near the corner of McDonough and Ottawa streets.
Love was riding in the front passenger seat of a Chevy Taho pulled over for a traffic violation, police said, and she was not using her seat belt.
Love reportedly identified herself as Theresa P. Gist, but was unable to spell "Theresa" and asked the patrol officer to spell it for her.
When the officer ran the name and the date of birth Love provided, police said, it returned with no record on file.

Another classic tale was in today's Pulse column; apparently it was a nice day for a white wedding at the Courthouse the other day, but the bride's attire was a bit informal: "Everyone was agog at the bride's attire: white sweat pants and a T-shirt, a white bow in her "Pebbles" hairdo." Kudos to the writer of this line, I love the use of the word "agog." I still think that one of those jersey dresses might have been nice for a wedding. That's all for now!