Whiskey Tango, Hawaiian Style

I am back from the beautiful land of Hawaii (insert Brady Bunch tiki music here) into the world of J-town once more. Maui was incredible, it was everything I'd pictured from the "Hawaii Vacation" episode of every tv show I've ever loved (Brady Bunch, 90210, Saved by the Bell, Full House. . .) Here are some observations about my trip to the world o'luaus.

1. The plane flight to Hawaii: 9 hours long. American Airlines provided some "exciting" in-flight entertainment, which consisted of "Legally Blonde 2" (there should never have been a sequel), and various CBS programs including "Everybody Loves Raymond" (though I've boycotted this show for years, it's a family tradition much like never watching "It's a Wonderful Life," I watched it on the plane and it was actually pretty funny) and "Judging Amy." My sister and I "judged Amy" to be crap, we decided to watch the show with the sound off and draw our own conclusions about what was going on. Comments included, "Amy! Those pants are out of order!" We did have inflight radio stations, and my sister and I regularly checked the airline entertainment magazine to figure out when "Hey Ya" was coming up. The food on the plane was awful as expected, and we were not smart enough to bring our own snacks. However, the people behind me used a little ingenuity and brought some food: "Easy Cheese" in a can. I wasn't aware that people still ate "Easy Cheese," much less felt it was a can't leave behind necessity to be stowed in a carry on for long flights. I would have thought the aerosol can would be a hazard, but what do I know?

2. Maui Mullet Count: 5, including a femullet who was the first person I spotted as we entered the airport. Maui Speedo Count: 3 (not including multiple uses of Speedo by the same hotel guest).

3. The local scene: No shirt, no shoes, no service does not apply at the mall near our hotel, as I saw a shirtless man stopping in the local ice cream/coffee shop. We also were "treated" to the sight of several teenage boys hanging out on one of the mall benches sharing a bag of pork rinds. Pork rinds=something Emily will never, ever, ever eat. Speaking of the mall, my favorite item that I did not purchase, for fear of breakage, was a lei made up of miniature bottles of liquor. However, I did take pictures.

4. Maui Police Blotter: The crime scene in Hawaii is not as sordid as J-town. Top crime story on the news? The recent rash of ukulele (they pronounce it "oo-ka-lay-lay") theft. Apparently people break into cars to steal ukuleles, but there were no reports of anyone being bashed over the head with a ukulele, as would be bound to happen in Joliet.

5. Luau Fun: One night we went to a luau at our hotel. No, I did not wear my Halloween costume, though I did the hula onstage, good times. My sister and I shared a table with various other vacationers, including a woman obsessed with all things Elvis who felt that the King would turn over in his grave if he knew about all the things done with his image after he died. Personally, I think he'd wish there was a way to wire money to the afterlife, but that's just me. She told a story about her ex-husband, apparently a chief of police somewhere in Texas: "His license plate, I shit you not, is 'EP TCB'." I presume that to mean, "Elvis Presley, Takin' Care of Business." However, I was more amused that she used the expression "I shit you not" at a table full of strangers.

6. The flight home: this flight was not as long, but we stocked up on food just in case. This was a smart move, due to the fact that the staff of American Airlines is VERY misleading when it comes to describing their meals. What comes to mind when you hear that one of the meal choices is "chicken strips"? Personally, I picture some breaded strips of white meat chicken, perhaps accompanied by honey mustard or the sauce of your choice. With that in mind my sister and I both chose the chicken strips rather than lasagna. We were presented with some puny "grilled," not breaded scraps of white meat chicken with some not so ripe vegetables over rice. I tided myself over with some Starburst later as we watched "Pirates of the Caribbean" (awesome, awesome movie, yay for Johnny Depp).

I got back from Hawaii on Friday, slept all day, then went to see "Love Actually" with my sister and Courtney. Luckily, it was at Movies 10 rather than Ghetto 8. This was probably my first time at Movies 10 since "American Wedding," and it was a pleasant change of pace. The movie was excellent and featured a really hot guy that I've never seen before, apparently I now have to see the Charlie's Angels sequel because he's in it.

After a little shopping at Louis Mall on Saturday, which was packed due to the Festival of Trees (note: people need to work on the whole "walking while they're looking" thing, it seems that people just forget their motor skills at this time of year), Megan and I headed out for a little bar hopping. We began our evening at the Double J, which wasn't too exciting until a bizarre wedding party entered. The women were wearing headpieces that were a combination of a bride's veil and a doo rag, and stated that they were members of the "Hoochie Mama Club." Later on, a man in a kilt joined the festivities. Shannon, this wasn't your sister's wedding was it? Word on the street was that Samy's on Saturdays is now similar to Samy's on Thursdays, so we decided to head over and check it out. Unfortunately we had to wait in line outside, which was cold, but it didn't take too long to get in, and when we entered, we were pleasantly surprised to find out that ladies got in free. I was very amused by a sign on the door that read "No Sports Apparel." No sports apparel at a sports bar. . . the hell? Samy's was definitely hopping, and it felt like a Thursday on a Saturday. The music was good (both Outkast songs were played), and Jennifer Love Hewitt Girl was getting down as usual, so we knew this place had to be a hot spot. We stayed till close, encountering such adventures as a guy who asked me if I had one of those "New Phones," (I said no, I don't know if he thought I was from the Jetsons or something), a disgruntled man who resembled an elf (but not as tiny) and got kicked out of the bar, a girl in the bathroom who was VERY ANGRY that someone had urinated on the toilet seat, and a dance competition to be a "Samy's Girl." Megan and I entered said competition hoping for free stuff or at least a chance to not have to wait in line on Thursdays, but we did not win, and apparently the prize was some sort of t-shirt, so no big deal. Speaking of competitions, I was watching a special on VH-1 last night that documented Nelly's search for a model for his new Apple Bottoms clothing line. Apparently the main criteria in being the Apple Bottoms model was having a nice "Apple Bottom," which is apparently new slang for a nice butt that I wasn't aware of until now. This special must be seen to be believed, if only for one of Nelly's cohorts describing a woman as being "thicker than a king sized Snicker."

Not too much else new to report right now, but I have an idea for local area bars. Consider how Chuck E. Cheese, video stores, and the rest give out free pizza/movie rentals for every "A" you have on your report card. Why can't bars do the same with free drinks? Yes, I know I'm done with college, but I have a backlog of report cards to cash in, and there's grad school to consider. Why are kids the only people who can get positive reinforcements for good grades? I also think that this sort of deal would work well at clothing stores ($1 off for every A?) or Best Buy. Time to finally buy the Outkast CD, aloha!