Blotter? I Hardly Know Her!

Note: It is my goal to have Jackhammers shirts made that feature a picture of Jammer. The front would read, "Jammer?" and the back would read "I hardly know her!" If anyone with the means to a silkscreening machine feels the need to steal my idea, give me a heads up and we'll go into business.

Note 2: I added the definition of "swolley" to the Urban Dictionary website.

I haven't watched last night's Chaotic yet, but I'll post highlights later. Anyway, the blotter was back in action today, and over the weekend, there was an amusing story about the Jackhammers first game that featured 2 19 year-old girls who are apparently friends of the Jackhammers. One of the girls is quoted as saying, "They want to be our boyfriends." I found this somewhat sketchy. Ok, the blotter:

Man shot with taser

JOLIET — A local man heading for an early-morning tryst at a West Side motel was set up by his paramour and shocked by a taser-wielding man hiding in the back seat of her sport utility vehicle.The 25-year-old man told police he received a telephone call from a 26-year-old Crest Hill woman who asked him to "meet up" with her at the Comfort Inn at 3235 Norman Ave. about 2 a.m. Monday.
The man headed over to the motel and got a room for himself and the woman. He then went out to the parking lot, where he saw the woman sitting in a Nissan Pathfinder.
The man walked up to the Pathfinder and a man sat up in the back seat and shot him with a taser.
The man refused medical attention.
Police said the woman is about 5-foot-10 and 140 pounds. She has brown hair and was wearing a white T-shirt and torn jeans.
The woman reportedly lives in Crest Hill with the man wielding the taser gun.

I wonder how this whole set up went down. If it was a Super Soaker rather than a Taser, it would sound very Saved by the Bell, if Zach was Taser Tom, Kelly was Torn Jeans Tammy, and Slater was Wants to Get Some Walter. I liked the inclusion of torn jeans in the tawdry tale.

Retail theft

JOLIET — An employee of a store at Westfield Louis Joliet mall thwarted a 13-year-old's attempt to abscond with a package of fake mustaches, police said.
The employee of Gamer's Paradise spotted the Crest Hill teen opening the package of fake mustaches and stuffing the false facial hairin his pocket. The youth then left the store without paying for the mustaches.
Police arrested the teen on a juvenile contact form charging him with retail theft in connection with the incident at 1:45 p.m. Sunday. He was released into the custody of his mother.

Why the hell was he stealing mustaches? Was there some kind of Super Mario Brothers themed costume party going down at Game Stop on Sunday night? Was he heading for a mustache joint? I like the "false facial hair," that's some good alliteration.

Kids on school roof

JOLIET — The principal of Timber Ridge Middle School called the cops on three Plainfield youths playing with tennis balls on the roof of the school Monday.

The principal reportedly told police the youngsters — an 11-year-old and two 12-year-olds — were "on the school roof with tennis balls after school hours" about 4:40 p.m. Monday.

The parents of the children were notified by police of this alleged mischief.

All I can think of is the Will Ferrell "Get off the shed!" skit from SNL. Question: how important were the tennis balls to the crime? Are they not allowed on the school roof either? Again, word choice is great here, I love "alleged mischief." It sounds like something of which Keebler Elves might be accused.