Oh Hi Ho

Finally, for all those who have been anxiously waiting (Officer Jim, dressed in blue, this means you!), for your viewing pleasure, Nancy, Megan and Emily: The Ohio Trip: July 28-30, 2002. Pictures will be posted soon, but for now, your imagination will be enough.

Sunday: We started out at the butt crack of Dawn (the time, not Dawn Neverman or Kuehn), after an exciting night of Wendy's, Walgreen's, and the sighting of a certain water beast. The car ride was fun, but the excitement didn't really start until our first stop at an Indiana rest stop. As we walked into the gift shop/DQ/McDonald's, to what did our wondering eyes did appear but a man in shorts so short you could almost see his rear. The legs were also shaved for maximum smoothness (perhaps he used Veet?) We walked into the rest stop, still giggling over Senor Nair, when Megan said, "Watch out, here comes Blues Traveler." I turned around, and there was a dead ringer for John Popper, pre-weight loss. After watching "Joe," a large and in charge DQ employee, suggestively lick his sundae spoon as we walked by, we thought we'd seen it all. However, we finished the visit with a sighting of a woman in a "Hulkamania Is Still Runnin' Wild" tee.

We got back on the road and had little adventure until we hit scenic Ohio. We saw many roadside stands, including one selling "Pouter Dolls." What the hell is a Pouter doll? We thought maybe they meant to say "Pewter Dolls," but after a little online research,I learned that pouter dolls refer to dolls that look like they've been sent to the corner for a "Time Out." I wasn't aware there was a market for this rare breed of crap, but where else do you turn when you've completed your Beanie Baby collection?

We had some time before we checked in at our hotel at Cedar Point, so we headed off to the scenic island of Put In Bay in Lake Erie. Now right away I became obsessed with the name "Put In Bay." It just sounds so kinky. I thought I'd be able to find some teeshirts that said "Put In Bay" with an arrow pointing downward, but alas, they only had "Put In Bay Porn" and "Put In Bay Bitch." After our ferry ride over, we boarded a bus (which included a woman that reminded me of that scary religious woman on channel 19 that looks like a human poodle) and headed to the heart of downtown Put In Bay. We first stopped at a Peace Memorial that seemed a little phallic, then we headed off to where else but the world's longest bar. The Beer Barrel Pub was a lot of fun, and we had my new all time favorite bartender, Justin (if you're reading this, please leave a comment.) One of the Beer Barrel's regular perfomers is a man named Kenny Kidd, whose picture implies that he likes the short in front, long in back look if you know what I'm saying. When I mentioned to Justin that I enjoyed Kenny's picture, he commented, "He's the king of mullets, all right." A band called Double Dare was performing that day at the Beer Barrel, and while I hoped it meant that some kind of "super sloppy action" involving picking boogers from a giant nose or riding the Sundae Slide might be involved, alas Double Dare consisted of a husband and wife team that Justin mentioned reminded him of the singing music teachers on SNL. The wife portion of Double Dare, Renee Seitz, had on a lacy top that reminded us of Madonna in her Material Girl Days, but I think Ms. Seitz would have been better off in something a little less see through. However, Double Dare is available for weddings, ski lodges, and the like (no bar mitzvahs for some reason), and I can imagine that they do a mean version of "Conga." When I expressed my concerns with Justin over the fact that Double Dare was not of the Nickelodeon variety, he said he'd probably be pretty freaked out if Mark Summers came into his bar. We bid Justin (and his fellow bartenders who were trying to get us to win beads the Mardi Gras way) goodbye and headed out for more adventure. The gift shops on Put In Bay were of the trashy variety, and my personal favorite item (alas, I did not purchase it) was what some might call "Wing Wang" or "Shoshini" beads." These were Mardi Gras beads that consisted of beads interspersed with plastic peckers. We opted for shell necklaces instead, and after some more exploring, took the ferry back where we were entertained by a baby that looked like Dana Carvey. We headed to Sandusky and checked in to our hotel where a kind employee named "Jaca" gave us the 411 on hotel activities. Unfortunately, there was a blackout at the hotel so none of the restaurants were open, and when the lights came back on we went to the Friday's in our hotel, where a bitchy employee told us that the restaurant would be closed for awhile still, and when we explained that we were hungry, had just checked in, and needed somewhere to find food, she commented perkily, "I have mints!" What a cheap ho. We went back to the front desk, and a nice guy whose name I can't recall (Jason maybe?) got us a shuttle to one of the hotel's other restaurants.

When we got to the restaurant, we were greeted by our friendly Polish waitress, Bernadetta. At least that's what I think her name was, Megan thought her name tag looked like it had an extra "Etta" but I'm not sure. When we ordered daiquris and pina coladas, Bernadetta grinned and said in her thick accent, "These are the rules. You have to be twenty-one and you have to have an ID." Apparently Bernadetta had just recently gotten hip to drinking laws in the states and thought we were in the same boat. After our meal we headed back to the hotel, put our suits on and headed to the hot tub, where we were ogled by teenage boys (apparently the "adult pool hours" were only a suggestion, not a rule.")

After that we went to a hotel convenience store/gift shop, where a bespectacled teenage boy was complaining about having his period, and how it was dripping down his leg. He turned to Nancy and I and asked what kind of products we used. After we scolded him for his disgusting behavior, he called us bitches and I was tempted to go ape shit on him, but I behaved. We headed back to the hotel room, ate some more Crispix mix, and called it a night.

In the next update. . .the mystery of cold cuts, freaks on leashes, Snoopy in many shapes and forms, and lesbian power towers. Until then, let's play a game of "Who said what?" You can choose between Megan, Nancy, and Emily, and leave your answers in the comments section. The winner gets their own interview/profile on Whiskey Tango. Here are the quotes. . ..

a. "I like everything thick, the men, the pizza. . ."
b. "Eject it and I'll blow."
c. "I don't like it in the face."
d. "It's ten times better in the back."
e. "I didn't think she rode hard."
f. "I'm not sticking my hand down there."
g. "I'm falling, and I cannot get my Cadillac."

Keep it clean, see you later!