Adventures at the Adult Book Store and Herald News Hijinks

Since no exciting stories can come out of last night's adventure of sitting on my tired ass and watching Felicity with my mom, I will share with you a classic Whiskey Tango tale today, along with a couple Herald News items. Read and learn,

Last summer a bunch of us (I believe it was Melanie, Ryan, Melissa, Jake, and I) headed to the Grundy County Speedway in Morris to cheer on our good buddy Sean Murphy in a midget car race. Note: the cars are midgets, not the people. I did briefly stop at a midget wrestling event once, but that's another story. Anyway, after enjoying some cheap food and beer, receiving our very own "Midgets Rule!" t-shirts, and watching Sean win his race, we had some time to kill before Sean's award ceremony. Note: we got to be part of the honorary "pit crew." Definitely a high point in my life, I looked up to good old Dale Earnhart in the sky and said, "I'm with you, Number Three." Well, maybe not. Melissa, Jake and I decided to make a "pit stop" (haha car joke!) at the local adult book store we noticed on the way to the Speedway. The store, which I believe went by the creative name of "Adult Book Store," carried quite an extensive collection of dildos (of all races), windup toys (sorry, no Jolly Pecker, though I asked the burly store owner), and a section, probably much like the MMLC at Northwestern, where lusty patrons could watch videos. There was a sign over that section that read "One person per booth," which made me wonder what kind of orgy-like activities had occurred there before to merit such a warning. I looked through the card section to see if I could find an appropriate "Congratulations" card for Sean, but I don't think their congratulatory cards had anything to do with car races, if you know what I mean. I asked the guy at the counter for ideas, but nothing seemed right. Suddenly a furry creature brushed past me, and I saw a cat on the floor. Apparently this feline was the house pet of "Adult Book Store," and enjoyed free reign of the dimly lit place (though of course, it probably couldn't bring fellow cats into the video booths, one "word that rhymes with wussy" per booth of course). I was really curious about what the name of this cat was, and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to ask the burly owner. I waited expectantly after asking the question, fearing the worst. The answer? "Fur Face." Melissa, Jake, and I walked out of the store, empty-handed but with increased knowledge of dildos, plus size porn (WHY?), and what NOT to name your cat.

And now for today's Herald News. First, from the blotter. . .

Joliet man dodges gunfire



JOLIET — A man sitting on the front porch of an Elwood Avenue house dove for cover when a gunman opened fire on him late Tuesday night.

The 23-year-old told police he was on the porch of the house in the 500 block of Elwood about 11:45 p.m., waiting for his cousin when he heard footsteps on the sidewalk.

Thinking his cousin was approaching, the man called out, "What's up Cuz," police said.

But this was not his cousin. It was a small man in black jeans, a black coat and white hightops, and this small man pulled a handgun and opened fire.

The man on the porch leaped away, diving to the ground alongside the house. He was not injured.


I wonder if the cousin ever stopped by, if the cousin is also a small man, and if indeed when he came by, if the man on the porch again said, "What's up Cuz."

Then there's this front-page story:


Crossing privacy line

Oops, wrong number: Local man victim of error on Pepsi cans


JOLIET TOWNSHIP — A misprint on the back of a Pepsi can has prompted hundreds of pop-drinking, auto-racing fans to call Roger Zabel's house at all hours, day or night, in search of answers to their most pressing questions. What's it cost to get into Chicagoland Speedway? Are they racing this weekend? Where can I buy tickets to see Jeff Gordon race? Ahhh, the joy of Pepsi. Zabel will experience it only after the calls to his unlisted telephone number stop. The soft-spoken Caterpillar worker filed a lawsuit in Will County Circuit Court last week against Pepsico, Inc., and the owners of Joliet's Chicagoland Speedway over the misprint on the backs of what he believes are millions of Pepsi cans. The promotional cans encourage fans to call the NASCAR track for information about the July 14 race featuring driver Jeff Gordon. MORE. . .

Apparently, the correct number to call for racing info is (815) 727-RACE, but the number posted on the cans is (815) 722-RACE, Mr. Zabel's phone number. I haven't tried calling either number myself, but if anyone does do so, please let me know and I'll post the results here on Whiskey Tango.

Finally reader Nate of Evanston wondered whether the Eddie Z mentioned in Monday's entry also owns the window treatment chain
Eddie Z's Blinds and Drapery. This I do not know, but apparently Mr. Blinds and Drapery makes in-home visits, and I really hope that Eddie the DJ does not do the same.