Parental Stories and Heroes Hooligans

Herald News update: The Your Health section now features a column written by Dr. J.D. Wright, aka Jennifer's dad. My favorite quote: "Many doctors are actually 'going bare.' That doesn't mean they've shed their clothing." What does "going bare" mean? Read the column and find out!


Reader update: Reader Deb Brsan, aka Melanie's mom, of Joliet had some Whiskey Tango spottings at a softball game at the Park District Tuesday night. Apparently the members of one of the teams had something extra peeking out from under their baseball caps:tails. Whether or not these hair add-ons helped the team win the game is not known. Apparently the "Home Run Hair Hotties" (the real name escapes me) attracted some rather rowdy fans, whose lewd talk left them in danger of being kicked out of the park. However, they must have behaved, as there was no mention of softball altercations in today's police blotter. In other hair news, the car parked next to ours in the parking lot of my office has what looks like hair extensions on the front passenger seat. Next to the fake hair is a bag of Arby's Market Fresh sandwiches. Anyone for lunch?


Bargoers came in all ages last night at Heroes. I spotted a woman carrying her baby out of the bar a little after 11. Somehow that just takes underage drinking to a new level. On the other side of the spectrum, an older woman who strongly resembled JCA librarian Mrs. Hartnett danced excitedly with her facial haired friend to the new Eminem song "Without Me." Unfortunately, the ID TV wasn't back this week, as the Heroes staff figured out a more discreet and less potentially dangerous way to check ID's. A new addition to Heroes was the ability to sign up to be in some band's music video. Not only would you get free food and beer (sounds like a professional shoot) if you were selected, but you'd get a whole dollar just for signing up! Though Wendy and I were approached by a gel-loving guy to sign up, I'm only willing to be a video ho in a remake of ZZ Top's Legs (apparently my old buddy Kid Rock has recorded a remake) or as the girl on the car Whitesnake's Here I Go Again (then again, look at Tawny Kitaen now). I don't want to end up as a husband abuser.


When Melanie and I went to get some beverages at the bar, we were approached by a short fellow in a Bob Marley shirt and a fuzzy black Kangol hat. The Mad Hatter invited us to stop by the pool table, telling us that was where the "party" was at. When I lied that we'd stop by, he said in a very Wooderson(Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused)-esque voice, "I hope you do." I was just waiting for him to say "all right all right all right." When I walked by that area later, the only party I saw was a festival of bad hats: not only was Mr. Kangol there, but a large black man in a cowboy hat.


The ass trilogy was split up last night, but there was still adventure on the dance floor. Kelly entertained some nearby hip hop lovers with her MC Hammer dance, almost starting a new craze on the dance floor. Chuckie was without his flashlight again, but attempted to sing Lil Kim to me, which was a frightening experience. There were no hoochie twins this week, but i did see hoodie twins. Apparently the cooler weather made people wear more clothes, which made for a more pleasant viewing experience. The motto of fashion at Heroes should be "That outfit is a privilege, not a right!" Alas, Heroes allows equal opportunity skankiness. Stay tuned for this weekend's stories, which may include midget car racing!