From the Bar of Bedrocks

Today's Herald News announced a new change for crappy Shorewood bar Bedrocks: they're getting a beer garden. While this is pretty unexciting, and I think that Bedrocks needs to do a lot more (giving out money might work) to gain customers, the article mentioned an earlier incident at Bedrocks that I found pretty amusing. . .



Bedrocks is one of a few taverns in Shorewood, and it's one of the newest. The bar opened in early 2000. Last summer, the bar was fined $250 and was closed for a day after an adult-themed act, America's Loverboys, performed there. Shorewood police officers who attended the show said they saw the five-man dance troupe perform simulated sexual acts. Adult-oriented entertainment is not allowed in Shorewood, according to a statement issued by the village last year.


Simulated sexual acts? In Shorewood? This requires some research, so I did an online search for America's Loverboys. Though they don't have a website themselves (they're too busy simulating sex acts), I found a page with pictures of the Loverboys at the site for the Airport Lounge, an "entertainment club" in Milwaukee. The site only pictures three of the five boys, Robbie (who looks like a potential Tuckaway Tavern ID checker), Johnny Luv (wearing a white towel, not a yellow one like another Johnny we know), and Alex (check out that silver Speedo!). These men look well oiled, but I'd really rather not see them simulating anything. A little more research led me to a message board for Beansnappers night club in Green Bay. Many Loverboys fans wrote in to express their love for the group, but here's my favorite comment:


BRING BACK THE MEN!!! BRING BACK THE MEN!!! BRING BACK THE MEN!!! BRING BACK THE MEN!!! BRING BACK THE MEN!!! BRING BACK THE MEN!!! THEY WERE AWESOME--DEFINITELY NEED MORE OF THAT ACTION!!! WE LOVED HAVING THEM LICK US, KISS US, AND SIGN US.


Sign us? Was this the Denim Diva? Could one of the Loverboys be the patchwork jeans designer? The world may never know. But my curiosity about the "simulated acts" led me to check the Herald News archives for the original story (yes, it's a slow day at work). I found it, and it's a classic. Highlights are in bold.


Village looking into strip show | June 8 performance: Officials will assess police reports for ordinance violation

SHOREWOOD -- It wasn't the Full Monty, but it was close enough for village officials to take notice. No matter how seemingly harmless, adult entertainment is not welcome in Shorewood, according to a village ordinance that some might view as strict.
That means America's Loverboys, a five-man dance troupe, should have trouble finding an artistic outlet in town. June 8 proved to be the exception.
Despite a verbal warning from village officials beforehand, owners of Bedrock's Cave, 700 W. Jefferson St., carried on with the show that Friday night.

And two undercover police officers were in the audience when the strippers hit the stage.

In fact, Bedrock's owner Sandy Tomasik said she gave her blessing to have the officers in attendance.

"We have nothing to hide," she said on a phone interview Thursday.

"In our opinion, it was nothing violating anything."

Tomasik declined to comment further because she said she had no knowledge that a police report had even been filed.

She said she left a message, which has not yet been returned, with the village asking their opinion on the show.

In the report, the officers describe a variety of simulated acts and sexual innuendos that were witnessed.

And the activities detailed were definitely too risque for the village's liquor ordinance, according to Village Administrator Kurt Carroll.

Even though the bar owners described the act to Carroll as a "Las Vegas or Broadway"-type revue, village officials still encouraged the cancellation of the show.

"We told them in no uncertain terms that it sounded like a violation of the village's liquor ordinance," Carroll said.

"But we gave them the benefit of the doubt."

And so for a cover charge, patrons were given a striptease that Friday night.

Dancers bared down to their skivvies; some simulated sex acts on willing attendees.

One dancer "lifted a woman from the crowd up to his waist area and began to thrust his pelvic area into her buttock area two to three times, simulating sexual sodomy.

He then lifted her over his head and placed her back on the ground," according to police reports.

As for tips, the men collected them in their underwear or used their teeth to retrieve them from women's blouses, police said.

And the bar held two competitions.

One called for four women to fake orgasms.

The one with the best impression won a T-shirt.

In the other contest, four women were chosen to remove G-strings -- which were worn over a pair of shorts -- from the dancers using only their teeth.

First prize was a walk through the entertainers' dressing room.

The officers did add, though, that the crowd was "very mild mannered."

"With the exception of the aforementioned violations, the evening was handled very professionally," one officer reported.

It sounds like Julian "Jumpin" Perez is going to have to change "Jumpin" to "Humpin" to get the crowd at Bedrocks going.