From Kindergarten to Heroes

Lots to talk about, so I'll work backwards from today. This morning I was lucky enough to attend my neighbor (and protege) Maggie Whalen's kindergarten graduation at St. Ray's. As I went to public school and probably saw more fights and lice epidemics than award ceremonies, this was a new concept for me. I was away at school for Maggie's older brother Jack's kindergarten graduation last year, but I watched it on video, so I knew a little about what to expect. The kids didn't wear caps and gowns, however some of the little boys were dressed in suits, which was mildly disturbing as they looked like miniature bible salesmen. After a performance of some song that involved pointing at the audience (how rude!) and a performance of High Hopes (which, for some reason, different kids sang at different speeds, I don't know if this was intentional or not), the kids received their diplomas. Following a group prayer was the highlight of the ceremony, a performance of the song "Numbers All Around." The song consists of questions about numbers, with the kids holding up cards with the answers. For example, one question was "How many times do you eat each day?" This question was Maggie's to answer, and she proudly held up a sign reading "5." She's a mini-version of me, I have to say. This song was also performed at Jack's graduation, and my brother and I found it hilarious, and made up some inappropriate questions to include in the song, such as "How many times did you pee your pants?" Maggie especially loved that one. One question was "How old do you wish you were," and one girl held up "18," which I found a little disturbing. The funniest part was one overeager boy who kept holding up his number, "8:00," (upside down, by the way) for questions that had nothing to do with time. After the song was over, the teacher gave a little closing speech, during which the same overeager boy stood up and started yelling, "Blah blah blah!" The kindergarten teacher quickly shushed him, but he definitely stole the show.


Last night I got to go to another children's performance, this time it was Jack and Maggie's piano recital, as led by their instructor, reader Melanie of Joliet. Unfortunately the city of Joliet screwed up, as usual, as the staff of the Bicentennial Park Theater managed to doublebook Melanie's students' recital with the recital of the Allegro Piano Academy. The two groups alternated, and the difference between the teaching styles of Melanie and the Allegro teacher's styles was apparent; while Melanie's students played Beethoven and "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," one of the Allegro students attempted to sing along with her music (it wasn't pretty), and another played Enya. One of the Allegro students also had a fake blond ponytail and displayed a shocking resemblance to Jon Benet Ramsey.

Before I move on to the tales of last night's adventures at Heroes, I have a disturbing observance about one of my old favorite cartoon shows. While my brother and I were waiting for my parents to get ready for the graduation today, I checked around on TV and saw that Alvin and the Chipmunks was on. While this show never made sense to me-how could Alvin date human girls legally?-I have never been more disturbed than by today's episode. The episode was a flashback in which Dave explained how he ended up adopting the three chipmunks. Apparently Dave was living alone, trying to make some money writing songs, when one cold winter night a cloaked figure left a bundle on his front porch with a note. The note basically said that due to the cold weather and the "nut shortage," the chipmunks' mother was leaving them to Dave. I'm sorry-"nut shortage"? I never saw the Chipmunks eating nuts, they always ate basic human food, so apparently they don't need "nuts" for nourishment. Is this some kind of sick innuendo? Does the chipmunks' mother assume that their children need a male role model, someone with "nuts"? I checked the official webpage, but the only relevant info I found was that Alvin "suffers from 'small munk' complex." "Small munk?" I'm not gonna go there. . .


Anyway, on to Heroes. It was packed last night, so of course adventures were had. There was no ass trilogy, the songs were distributed through out the night, but Chuckie had his flashlight, which Nancy counteracted with a laser light of her own, kind of a small scale Star Wars battle. I saw many former high school classmates, including a fellow JCA alum who apparently is not a big fan of post-bathroom usage hand washing, as both times I saw her in the bathroom she left without using the sink. Needless to say I did not shake her hand that evening. Again Nancy was mistaken for a celebrity, this time Jessica Alba, and Megan was told by a bar patron that he once saw her on Star Search. We met a few interesting lads, one who lives not too far from "Adult Book Store" in Morris (no, he doesn't know Fur Face, but I asked), and another who showed us creative dance moves like "the Dolphin" and "stirring the chili." Another Fashionable Male sported the largest Afro I'd ever seen up close. Express Girl made her rounds, again draped in some kind of furry/feathery ensemble, and according to Nancy, seductively moving her sweater off her shoulders in order to bare her tank top straps. Perhaps she was looking for "Fast Cash". . .

People were definitely getting freaky last night. First, we saw one girl, either very drunk or very skanky, that was having what some people might call "sex with clothes on" (much worse than the person that term was coined for) with a variety of males. Let's just say they were simulating sex in a very uncomfortable place, and I'm not talking about the back of a Volkswagen (Mallrats was on at lunch today). She made quite a scene. Later on in the night Nancy, Megan and I stepped outside to escape from the heat. We glanced over to the outside bar and saw some people behind it, and it was quickly established that there was some hanky panky going on. We walked back inside, and a guy who was a couple years younger than me in high school, who I hadn't spoken to all night, approached me and said, "There's people f**king out there." I don't know how he knew this for sure, as when we looked outside again it appeared that the people were wearing clothes (of course, it could have been sex with clothes on), but this JCA alum seemed pretty sure of his story. Needless to say we spread the word to Shannon Murphy, who tends to be good at finding out such things, but nothing's been confirmed yet. I know there were other funny things that happened, but I can't remember them right now, so Nancy, Megan, and Kelly, feel free to add anything else you remember. This weekend the co-originator of the phrase "Whiskey Tango," Jen DeGeus, will be back in J-town, so adventures will be sure to occur. I'll leave you with one final quote, overheard in the bathroom of Heroes: "My thong's riding up the wrong way."