Sunday, March 09, 2003

Ohio is "Oi, ho!" backwards

I found my Ohio journal!! And most of it still makes sense!! So, today I will write up the Ohio trip, and if I have time, I will write yet another entry about my wacky week (Strangest moment: dancing in a schoolbus to "Cry Me a River.")

An interesting side note about Ohio: Reader Patrick of Los Angeles, formerly of Hubbard, Ohio, recently ran into Mimi from Drew Carey (which is set in OH) at a Jamba Juice near his home. Rumor has it she still looks pretty frightening even without the heavy makeup, and was not too friendly to Patrick when he went up to her. Hopefully I haven't given anyone, given anyone nothing but shattered dreams about their favorite actress, but I'm here to report the news.

Anyway, back to Ohio. When we left off, we had just taken a ride on Schwabinchen (which sadly, is no longer a part of Cedar Point, they closed it at the end of the season). We headed over to these rides that are basically like the Giant Drop at Great America, except that one shoots you up (no, it didn't leave any track marks) and the other drops you down. After we got off the ride and were standing around to decide where to go next, a group of guys approached us (luckily, not including the lad with the raisin shaped mole we noticed in line) and asked if we wanted to go on a ride with them. We said OK, and were quickly introduced to a bunch of soon-to be college students from New York. I wish I could remember their names, but unfortunately my website erased the old comments people left on it over the summer when the New York boys used to post. However, the funniest thing about these boys was that they had recently discovered that one of them didn't know what cold cuts were, and were greatly amused by his ignorance to deli-fresh meats. Cold Cut Connor was greatly embarrassed at his lack of knowledge, but we didn't hold it against him. We proceeded to ride one of the boob-pain inducing rides (I think the Mean Streak) with our new friends, and I almost wish we had bought the pictures because it would have been hilarious to look back on. After that we went back to our hotel with the New York boys and took a dip in the hot tub. We then called it a night and , and the boys headed back to their campsite with plans to do shots of Goldschlager to cap off their evening

The next morning we packed up our stuff and went to lunch at Friday's, again. We had a brief encounter in the gift shop with the child from hell who was, quite literally, a freak on a leash. We were also lucky enough to have another encounter with Snoopy, who was sitting on a bench outside Friday's. We seized the moment and Nancy pretended to take a picture of me using a pay phone, all the while focusing on good old Snoops. Fashizzle.

We got on the road and after driving for a bit, we happened upon a tourist attraction we could not resist: Prehistoric Forest & Mystery Hill Family Fun Center in Marblehead, Ohio. I don't know where to begin, but everyone in the world must visit this place. We started out on a tour of Mystery Hill, which is an area in which the laws of gravity are defied. According to the website, "In one place you feel ok and only a few inches away you feel strange." Basically, there's balls that roll uphill, pendulums that only swing one way (haha), and little crooked shacks. I'm no Mr. Wizard, so it's hard for me to describe it, but I'm thinking there are Negative G (and I'm not talking Dr. Dre) forces at work. We were led on our tour by (I'm spelling this phonetically) Andrasheshka, a well meaning girl who apparently did not understand that boy cut shorts are for underwear, rather than outerwear. Andrasheshka had a thick accent ( I think Polish) and I couldn't tell what she was saying some of the time, but we're pretty sure that when she finished the tour and left us to fend for ourselves in the Prehistoric Forest, she said, "Have fun, pick some mushrooms." Perhaps Andrasheshka was straight trippin'. The Prehistoric Forest consisted of a forest area with little places where you could dig up "fossils" (aka brush the dirt off them) and life-sized replicas of prehistoric beasts. Another favorite line from the website: "There are Dino bones, serpent, Pterodactyl, dino egg nest and a little guy that likes to hide, he will show himself at just the right time, can you find him?" Thank God that the "little guy," whatever that means, didn't "show himself." It probably wasn't just the right time. These replicas were very old and decrepit looking, they reminded of the dinosaurs on Gumby. The mastodons and wooly mammoths were especially bad, their fur looked a little weather beaten. We chose not to play miniature golf, though I did get my picture taken with the giant caveman statue, and headed off to see the "exotic animals." Another website quote: "The next stop is the Exotic House where you will see Snakes, Lizards, Frogs, Water Monitor, Tortes, " I particularly enjoy how the sentence ends in a comma, as though the writer had to run into the Exotic House (which sounds like The Silver Slipper to me) to see what other animals there were, and maybe got eaten by one of them in the process. Also, since when is a torte an animal? I thought it was a dessert. Anyway, besides the baby wallabee (living a placid existence in Ohio) the animals were not too exotic. The highlight for me was the cageful of rats. Despite all their rage, the sign on the box read "Aah rats." Perhaps Willard was the proprietor of the Exotic House, I'm not sure. After advising an employee who was eager to get out of Marblehead, OH about the wonders of the Windy City, we hit the road for the long ride back. The only particularly funny recollection of the ride was a stop in a bathroom that featured a Li'l Blast a Scent machine, an apparatus that squirts out your favorite perfumes, if your favorite perfumes are Opium, Obsession, and Giorgio. I decided to try the Obsession, and I'm thinking it was a Designer Imposter, because it smelled like ass. We got back to Joliet a few hours later.
Thus ends the extremely belated tale of our Ohio trip, probably the funniest vacation I've ever been on. Girls (or should I say MEN), if I'm leaving anything out, please give me the scoop! My mind is not a sponge, so I may be leaving out pertinent details. I'm hoping to include the rest of my week today or tomorrow.

Subscribe to
Whiskey Tango: Tales From J-Town!