Automobiles, Alfa's, and Sammy Hagar

I forgot to mention another interesting detail from Saturday night in Naperville involving adventures on the way there. First, we were driving down Jefferson (in Melanie's car, Nicky the Farting Neon) next to a car with a pretty attractive guy in the passenger seat. Alas, the driver looked like the white version of Biggie Smalls, but the passenger was cute. He looked over and smiled a few times, then asked where we were going. We told him Naperville, and he seemed to be confused about the existence of such a town. He said that he and his driver were headed to the movies. Alas, the flow of traffic necessitated that we speed up, so the car with the attractive lad was a few lengths behind us. As we were turning to get on the highway, cute guy pulled up next to us again and angrily said, "Why'd you speed up?" This may have been accompanied by "Yo," but I'm not positive This display of ignorance was accentuated by hand gestures straight out of a Busta Rhymes video. Speaking of "Woo-hah!," we saw a license plate on the way to Naperville that read, "Hooah." Of course we had a lot of fun screaming that one out, but I don't believe the car was occupied by Al Pacino and/or Chris O'Donnell.

Last night I headed out to Garnsey with Melanie and Ryan. Though I had been informed that Garnsey wasn't the happening Tuesday night spot (who could go wrong with 50-cent draft?) that it used to be, we figured that there'd still be somewhat of a crowd, especially considering that it's summer. However, when we got to the parking lot there were very few cars in sight. Ryan decided to head home, and Melanie and I headed over to Alfa's, as I remembered hearing that people went there on Tuesdays. We arrived to a crowded parking lot, and when we saw local bar legend "Kermit" hanging out near the bouncers, as she is apt to do at most bars, we knew that this must be the new "hot spot." We saw many familiar faces, but something about that place was just offputting. Perhaps it was the fact that I saw more ponytails on males than females, I don't know. I just couldn't put it into words. A stop in the bathroom, where one woman talked about her male friend (or lover) Cookie, and another sink appeared to be decorated with the remnant of someone's weave, was especially disturbing. While having a discussion with our drunken acquaintance (and friend of midget car racer Sean) "Hornet," I realized one of the main things that bothered me about Alfa's: they had carpet. I just don't like carpet in bars, it doesn't set the right tone, and it seems unsanitary and impractical, considering how often people spill. I decided to rename the bar "Barpet." After a bartender's sad but brave attempt to make me a Tom Collins ("You want anything in it besides gin and tonic?"), we headed home.

Reader Courtney of Plainfield hit the Whiskey Tango jackpot at Saturday's Sammy Hagar/David Lee Roth concert. First, she spotted a limo driven by a mulleted man heading out to the concert, obviously a good omen for the day's events. As she and her boyfriend checked out the arts and crafts booths before the concert, she heard one man say to his female companions, "I'll buy you anything as long as it's crotchless." She also saw a handwritten sign by the booths that read, "Stealing from single mothers is wrong." I'm not exactly sure how this applied to the concert, maybe single moms ran all the booths, but it is true. However, I don't think it's a good idea to steal from married moms, either. Courtney also commented that Sammy's performance of "Pound Cake" was accompanied by what appeared to be Girls Gone Wild videos. Overall, she said it was a fun experience, and I'm sure that we'll all be taking a trip down to Cabo to party with Sammy in the near future. I'm hoping that reader Kelly of Plainfield (what is it with Plainfield girls and hair band concerts?) will give us a report on her trip to the Poison concert in a few weeks, I have a feeling that there'll be an interesting crowd there.

Finally, today's Herald News Our Town section confused for a few reasons. First, how does Lockport high school have 14 valedictorians, and six salutatorians? I know they have a couple campuses, but how does that work? Also, the article about the local concert season, written by Minooka sophomore Alison Syring, has a headline of "Summer Concert Splash: i need a dek here and here. thanks." What does that mean? Is it some kind of editing command that accidentally made it into the paper? Any and all Medildos, please feel free to let me know! Tanya update: no news yet, I'm still waiting. Tanya? Tanya can you hear me?

Piano Picnics and Naperville Nights

A quick note: reader Nancy of Joliet informed me that while on her way to Dixon, IL, she passed a sign for a strip club that advertised an upcoming America's Loverboys show on their marquee. Hopefully they won't get into the same kind of trouble they got into at Bedrock's. . .
An interesting article in Saturday's police blotter:

Bicyclist robbed

JOLIET — A man riding his bicycle near New Avenue and Scott Street was robbed at gunpoint Friday afternoon.

The man told police a gray 1986 two-door Cutlass pulled up next to him about 12:30 p.m.

The man in the passenger seat exited the car and brandished a semiautomatic handgun, police said. The man then said to the cyclist, "Give me your (stuff)."

The 21-year-old on the bicycle surrendered a $300 PlayStation II video game, police said. His assailant then plucked $70 cash from his pocket before fleeing.

Gee, what do you think the assailant really said instead of "stuff"? It's a tough question. But what Playstation II game costs $300? When I asked my brother, reader Tom of Joliet, about this, he said they probably meant a Playstation system. Still, how can one carry a Playstation on a bicycle? That must be one pretty bigass basket. Even if he had it in his backpack I'd think it would be hard to balance.

I spent Saturday afternoon in reader Melanie of Joliet's backyard, serving as "games coordinator" for her piano student picnic. At first this just consisted of being "Hammock Cop," keeping the kids off the hammock, then later on we progressed to Duck Duck Goose, Simon Says, water balloons, and polka Musical Chairs. All I have to say is that Duck Duck Goose was never so violent when I was little. When I picked one kid to be goose (but not DaGoose of course), rather than get up and chase me around the circle to tag me, he stayed in his spot, moved his arm back, and whacked me really hard in the arm. I guess I'm lucky we didn't play Red Rover, that would have gotten ugly.

After an afternoon shopping trip and some Simpsons Road Rage playing with my brother, I headed out to Naperville with Nancy, Megan, and Melanie. We started out at Jimmy's, where the outdoor area, though unexciting, was packed. We were lucky enough to be seated near a Tom Petty lookalike (Nancy called that one) that yelled out, "I don't do drugs!" Apparently he'd had his last dance with Mary Jane. After a brief time at Jimmy's, where I saw Melissa and Jake (and a midget), and a stop over at Features to meet up with Melanie again, we headed over to Quigley's to do a shot that Nancy recommended. Alas, they don't serve shots after 11, so we had a Mike's Cranberry Lemonade (much better than Mike's Ice Tea, aka soap) and sat for a bit. After Nancy and Melanie gave advice to a lovelorn woman in the bathroom, we headed out in search of a bar with better shot policies. We decided to spot in at the bar of the Carzz Seafood grill. When we entered, Melanie confirmed the name of the bar with the bouncer and gave him her approval of the place, while Nancy, Megan and I had the long-awaited shot: the Redheaded Slut. It was very good, but we didn't know what was in it, other than peach Schnapps. We asked another bar patron, and he told us it was peach Schnapps and Yeagermeister. I was surprised it was good after hearing that. We soon headed home, but the adventure was not yet over: as we drove by Samy's on the way home, we noticed (actually everyone but me noticed) a man stripping down to his underwear in the parking lot. There were a lot of cars out there, so we weren't sure what was going on. By the time we got to the parking lot, he was clothed again, but we saw men in weird white makeup. Megan noticed a KISS sticker on one of the cars, so we figured out this must have been some kind of KISS cover band changing out of their costumes after their show. Crazy stuff.

Nothing too exciting has happened the last couple days, the smelly ice cream man was back on Sunday, though I stayed far enough from the truck to notice the odor this time. However, I am disturbed by the ice cream man's music. It's typical ice cream truck music, but in between repetitions is a disembodied female voice saying, "Hello?" It's really scary, and the kids on my cul-de-sac (is that how you spell it? Word Man, let me know) do great impressions of it. Today on my lunch break I had an entertaining discussion with Grace, the 3 year old across the street, about the gender of the next door neighbor's lawn care provider (it was a guy, but Grace kept insisting it was a girl). I also saw another great car sticker today, and I forgot to mention the "Calvin pissing on Osama" sticker I saw a weekend or two ago. Today's car, which had a license plate reading, "XRAYTED," had a sticker reading "F@!# Terrorism." Apparently porn-loving X-ray techs like to stand up for our country. Finally, who is Tanya? A reader named "Tanya" (and I don't think it's that ho from the Real World, she spells her name with an "o" anyway) left this comment: what exactly is this "whiskey tango?" I have not heard of it in my country. Tanya, who are you? Are you real? Did you beat up Nancy Kerrigan? Let me know!

It's Gettin' Hot in Here

Yay for warm weather! It's been an interesting few days. We'll start with Thursday's adventure at Heroes. It was extremely crowded, and we saw a lot of interesting people. Apparently Warner Bros. teeshirts worn under jean overalls are back in style, at least for artistes. The ass songs were in effect as usual, along with one of my favorite songs, "Raise Up (North Carolina)," by Petey Pablo. Now if you don't know this romantic tune, the chorus goes, "North Carolina, raise up! Take your shirt off, raise it 'round your head like a helicopter." When this song was playing, Wendy and I passed by a bar patron who tried to get us to just do that, complete with pantomime helicopter motions. We politely declined both the offer to strip and the chewing tobacco he offered us. I thought about asking him to "ditch the dip." Later on in the evening, when walking inside from the beer garden, we passed by this lovely gentleman again, who politely apologized to me by saying, "Sorry about the tit thing." Someone's been to Miss Manners. . .


The other quality line of the night came from an older bar patron. When Nancy was walking off the dance floor, he stopped her and said, "You have a unique style! What's your nationality?" As Nancy wasn't wearing anything particularly ethnic, we were confused, but oh well. If anyone's looking for a lighter, I highly recommend Thornton's on Jefferson, as Wendy bought a particularly lovely one with a black man yelling "Whazzuuuuuup!" on it. I believe that was all the excitement from Heroes that I can recall.

Friday night, post Jewelry Party at the Whalen's (I bought myself a toe ring and earrings), Melanie, her cousin, her cousin's boyfriend and I headed out to the Tuckaway Tavern. We were hoping to see a performance by Remedy Band (check out the remedy cam section and look at Saturday, April 13 to find a picture of yours truly and some friends), but alas Remedy was not in attendance, and we were treated to "Jump Around" and other classics playing from a cd player. We had been sitting outside in the beer garden for a while when the night became a family reunion for Melanie and her cousin, as both Melanie and Jennifer's parents arrived. We sat around, drinking and eating some (surprisingly good) Tuckaway pizza, and listening to Melanie's dad's personal brand of psychological analysis. There weren't many familiar patrons, though there was one scary drunk guy that seemed to be having some kind of attacks as he told his stories about peeing (again, sorry Mom!) in the stands at a Bears game. I have many stories from Saturday, and I will update in a little while with those. A preview: Tom Petty lookalikes, extreme duck duck goose, shredded jeans, and bicycle theft!