Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Robble Robble

It's almost turkey time, yay, which means it's almost "Night Before Thanksgiving Bar Fun Night," which apparently is also known as "Black Wednesday." That's some news you can use. I can hardly wait for the fun and festivities, during which we'll be belatedly be celebrating Megan's birthday (Happy birthday Megan!) The holiday season is off and running.

I have to give a shout-out to Legal Larry and the "guy whose name I can't remember" for their latest Coal City Courant Update. The crime scene in Joliet has been less than interesting lately, except for one entry in today's blotter that I'll get to in a bit, but the Courant has had some crazy stuff going on lately:

A Coal City man received a minor injury when he ran into a tree. Police were called to the man's home after a neighbor saw him bleeding from the nose and mouth. The man told the police he was on his way from a local establishment when he got lost. He went on to say that the injury occurred when he was "messing around with some squirrels and ran into a tree."

Oh man. I bet you anything that guy's name was Cletus. And what exactly does "messing around with some squirrels" entail? I just hope it's legal. And here's another Courant classic:

Some of the most clever villains have nicknames, and the one that struck last week could best be described as the Hamburglar.
It was around noon on Friday, Nov. 14, when a Braidwood woman exited the Coal City McDonald's after she noticed her car door was ajar.
As the woman approached the vehicle, with hamburger in hand, a dog approached and snatched her sandwich. Reacting to the events, the woman swatted at the dog who then bit her right hand.
The woman had two bite marks on her right hand and a sprained right thumb along with open bite marks on her left hand from when the dog grabbed the burger. She was later treated at the Riverside Medical Center in Kankakee.
The large breed dog was described as being black, tan and white in color. The dog fled the parking lot without a trace. Police initiated a search for the animal without luck and informed Grundy County Animal Control of the incident.

Well, the Hamburglar had a tan face, and dressed in black and white. . .maybe he can transmogrify into canine form and hangs out at the Coal City McDonald's, figuring it's not too heavily policed, scamming for snacks. Again, I recall my visit to the Coal City McDonald's for Free Fry Friday when I interned at the Bus, during which a teenage McDonald's customer informed me that our visit was probably the most exciting thing ever to happen in Coal City. Speaking of the Golden Arches, what's up with the new ads for McDonald's announcing that their Chicken McNuggets are now made of all white meat? What were they made of before?
In other "reader mail" news, reader Terri sent me a link to a hilarious website. The "Gallery of Misused Quotation Marks" lists many situations in which quotation marks are used inappropriately. Considering how often I am amused by the use of quotation marks in "The Blotter," this is perfect for me. My personal favorite? Have Breakfast with "Santa."

In other news. . .went to Samy's last Thursday, nothing too exciting except for a random (but hot) stranger that ran up to me and hugged me for unknown reasons, and a lad from Naperville who took pride in being a "redneck." Redneck Robbie, you're from Naperville, there's no excuse! Friday was a movie watching night in which "From Justin to Kelly" was screened. It was just as bad and unintentionally funny as one would imagine. My favorite line was, "My friends call me Kelly for short." Short for what? Kelly Jo? Kelly This Movie Sucks? Kellina?

Saturday I stopped by the mall (people's motor skills have improved since last week) before another exciting night on the (J) town. We decided to check out Bedrocks for a change of pace, and after we gathered our troops there, we decided to head somewhere else. Bedrocks was having a "Retro Dance Party," (tomorrow night they're having a "Turkey Testicle" Party!) and the music was classic 1993 again, we heard some Crystal Waters ("100% Pure Love) and Cece Peniston ("Finally") before hitting the road to where else. . .Samy's. Samy's has taken the place of Heroes for now, we'll see what happens when the weather warms up again. Speaking of warm, it felt like a sauna inside Samy's, I'm hoping it will improve before "Black Wednesday." The night was relatively uneventful and not too entertaining due to the heat, but I did win myself a "lovely" XL Budweiser Football tee when I was the first person under 30 to dance on the bar for the night. I was convinced by my friends to do this b/c we thought it would be a good prize, and ended up winning a butt ugly Budweiser shirt.
In other news. . . I'm happy to see that Senor Tequila finally changed their sign to inform us that they'll be open on Thanksgiving. I'm sure that come St. Patrick's Day they'll be giving us the same news. . .Town and Country has a really awesome new sign up on Jefferson that is somewhat distracting while you're driving but still quite a work of art. If I wasn't the such a crappy bowler (note: my ball once "bounced" from one lane to another) I would aim to get my name up there some day. And in our final news brief of the day, the Police Blotter offers something interesting today after a long drought:

Man bites Target security guards
JOLIET — Two Target security workers captured a shoplifter but not before he sank his teeth into both of them.
The suspected shoplifter, 26-year-old Gregory Joly, of 22028 Illinois 113, Wilmington, was arrested and booked into the county jail on charges of aggravated battery and retail theft, two county warrants for failing to appear in court on a felony theft charge, a misdemeanor theft warrant, and a theft warrant out of Indiana.
A patrol officer called Sunday afternoon to the Target at 2701 Plainfield Road arrived to find a "pile of people" in the fire lane in front of the store.
Joly was at the bottom of this pile, and two store security guards were handcuffing him, police said.
The security guards detained Joly after he walked out of the store without paying for DVD sets of "Smallville" and "Band of Brothers," police said.
Joly struggled with the security guards, police said, and bit one in the wrist and one in the back. The man he bit in the back reportedly was taken to Provena Saint Joseph Medical Center with puncture wounds.

I'm sorry, I enjoy the show and everything, but who steals "Smallville"? And bites someone in response? When this guy went crazy did the security guards still call him Superman? I'm kind of disappointed that I decided to wait to go to Target yesterday rather than go Sunday, that would have been pretty entertaining. That's all for now, have a great Thanksgiving!

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