Friday, July 30, 2004

Bungle in the Jungle

Oh, the excitement. With the latest system upgrade I can write in color. This could come in handy when I talk about rednecks.

So last night I went to Heroes as usual, accompanied by my pal Wendy (aka "Shellie," as she was greeted by a former acquaintance last night), and later on Mike and Brian. We had a feeling it was going to be an amusing evening, and we were right. As soon as we walked in the doors, a man exiting the establishment told us to be careful, as it was "a jungle in there." However, he didn't mention if it brought him to his "sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na knees, knees."

We entered the bar, purchased beverages, and due to the blinding brightness of the not-yet-turned-down indoor lights, decided to hightail it to the beer garden. All the stars were out last night at Heroes, including Steve Sanders (the lookalike, not really Ian Ziering), Bruce Willis(again, a lookalike, but more of a meld of Bruce and Mr. Clean) and "America's Next Top Model" Adrianne Curry (actually her, not a lookalike). As my family had been big fans of this show, I quickly called my mom to inform her of the sighting. When I told her that "America's Next Top Model" was at the bar, she asked me which one, which amused me, because I really doubt any models who aren't originally from Joliet spend much time at Heroes & Legends. Who knows though, maybe it could become an international hot spot one day. I spread the news of America's Next Top Model to many an acquaintance, including "Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember," who we ran into in the bathroom line. Speaking of the bathroom line, I just can't join in the "girls using the guys' bathroom when the line's too long" phenomenon. I'm not saying the women's restroom at Heroes is always sparkling clean, but it's got to be better than the men's room.

It was a night for teachers at Heroes, as we encountered many professionals in the education field, including a fellow "JCA Student Prints" writer who was confused when he thought Wendy asked him if he was an employee of "The Student Prince." Another fellow JCA alum soaked up the celebrity spotlight by attempting some parlor tricks with disappearing cigarettes. Speaking of parlor tricks, has anyone seen Amish in the City? The new reality show on UPN is surprisingly tasteful and features Mose, an Amish lad who spends a lot of time crafting little wooden toys and games the likes of which I've seen on the tables at Cracker Barrel. Ooh Cracker Barrel. It's been years! Does anyone know if it's open 24 hours?

Back to Heroes, it was overall a night of hilarity. At one point Wendy and I were outside and saw a couple guys in some matching motorcycle/motocross (I obviously know nothing about these things) jackets. I predicted something amusing would happen with these biker boys, and I was correct, as a little later they came up to us and asked us if we wanted to "go for a ride." We quickly declined, to their disappointment. They seemed completely surprised that we weren't chomping at the bit to ride (presumably motorcycles, but they hadn't mentioned what exactly we'd be riding at that point) with complete strangers who were possibly intoxicated. Also, one of the biker boys was only wearing his jacket halfway on, which was a creative look. At least his collar wasn't up. To be polite, I asked them what kind of bikes they had, not that I know anything about bikes (besides perhaps Schwinn and Huffy). They spouted off some brands, but nothing registered with me and they moved on to look for willing victims. I should have asked if they'd had a sidecar, because that might have been tempting.

We danced a lot this week, though I am confused by the concept of Eddie's Co-DJ Hollywood Bob. Every week (although I don't know if he mentioned it this week), he claims it's his last week at Heroes, yet he always comes back. Have plans fallen through? Does he want attention? Is Heroes just a "hard habit to break?" No one knows, maybe not even the small man with painstakingly tweezed eyebrows that seemed to join the DJ entourage briefly while the evening's "booty shaking" contests were going on (the prizes were from "Eternal Body Jewelry," aka the stand at the mall that, according to Courtney and Rob, sells Metallica navel rings), then as Wendy put it, "Quantum Leaped out of there." While dancing, I had an amusing encounter with local bar legend "The Hat Man." I don't know this man's name, but he's always wearing some sort of fedora (or those hats that are like fedoras but flat at the top, I don't know what they're called). At one point, I saw a girl dancing who seemed to be wearing the Hat Man's hat, and later on while I was dancing, I felt a tap on the shoulder, and the Hat Man was holding out his hat for me to wear. I declined the offer (I don't trust hats that have been passed around), but felt proud that I had been deemed worthy of the hat. In other dancing news, I highly enjoyed the blotter today:

Woman wanted in stabbing incident
JOLIET — A woman stabbed a man in the arm after the two argued over his talent for dancing Wednesday night, police said.
The stabbed man was taken to Provena Saint Joseph Medical Center after the 9 p.m. attack at Evergreen Terrace. He was treated for a quarter-inch puncture wound to his tricep.
The 20-year-old man was "hanging out" on the north side of Evergreen's 362 N. Broadway building and began dancing. The woman shouted at him that he thought he was "better than anyone else," police said, and also apparently denigrated his dancing skills.
The man told the woman to "back away," police said, and she punched him in the face. He responded to this physical contact by pushing her to the ground, police said.
The man then turned to walk away and the woman stabbed him in the tricep with a kitchen knife, police said.
The woman chased the bleeding man all around the Evergreen Terrace apartment complex, police said, but the man managed to give her the slip in the 358 N. Broadway building.
Police said the knife-wielding woman is about 20 years old, 5-foot-10 with a medium build and has braids. She was last seen wearing a blue sleeveless shirt and blue denim capri pants.
Besides suffering a stab wound to his arm, the man also suffered the loss of his $135 Hugo Boss sports jacket and his $30 Geoffrey Beane dress shirt, which were torn in the attack.

All I can say is "Drama!" This guy must have been really cocky with his dancing prowess, but I think a dance-off would be a better attempt to thwart him than stabbing. That woman needs to see "You Got Served." I'm also sorry that the $30 dollar Geoffrey Beene shirt got damaged. That's a loss noone should have to "suffer." That's all I have for now. Adios!

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

There's No Earthly Way of Knowing, Which Direction We Are Going

I cannot think of a good title today, and I was just watching Willy Wonka  the other night before the comic mastery that is Joe Schmo 2 came on.  I was deathly afraid of the Oompa Loompas when I was little, but I'm surprised that I wasn't more scared of the segment I quoted, where Willy Wonka is rowing the boat and it's all psychedelic. Some of the background images are really freaky in that scene.  I'm really looking forward to the Willy Wonka remake with Johnny Depp, but my sister informed me that they're not going to make it as psychedelic this time.  This worries me.  They better keep the Oompa Loompa songs intact.

In other movie news, I haven't been to any movies lately, though I'm really looking forward to The Village. I haven't seen a good scary movie in a while.  If anyone is ever considering watching the Gwyneth Paltrow stewardess film A View From the Top, it's time to consider other options. Not a quality film in the slightest, as I learned when I caught it on cable the other night.  One of the worst parts-they use a COVER VERSION of "Don't Stop Believin' !"  A travesty!!

Music wise, I've picked up a few new CD's over the past week for my birthday, courtesy of my brother and Megan, all of which are excellent.  I got the 13 Going on 30 soundtrack,  Van Halen's Best of Both Worlds greatest hits collection, and (I know, I should be caned for this one) Ashlee Simpson's Autobiography.  I feel terrible that I like the Ashlee Simpson one so much, but it's so catchy.  Also, listening to 99.9 so much has led me to contemplate buying Foreigner's Greatest Hits, but knowing that I can hear "Cold as Ice," "Hot Blooded," and the rest every time I flip on the radio leads me to wait on making that purchase.

So last Thursday, we went to Heroes.  Apparently Eddie Z was at the Prince concert, so his partner in crime, "Hollywood Jim" was taking over the "turntables." What do you call turntables when a DJ uses CD's?  This I do not know, but Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio.  Yes, we got some Starship playing on 99.9 right now, but I digress.  So anyway, this was apparently Hollywood Jim's last night DJing in Joliet as he was moving to Florida, I believe, but I was not too impressed with his solo skills.  None of our requests were played, but he played a lot of old dance music that was a bit unnecessary.  We spent most of the night outside, dancing from time to time but returning to the beer garden when the dance floor was being cleared for a "thong contest."  Classy, but I can't decide whether it's less classy than the fake orgasm contest a couple weeks back or not.  Not much else happened that night, it was mostly a chilling in the beer garden evening but a good time nonetheless.

Friday was my brother's birthday, and both of us had to get up at the butt crack of dawn on Saturday for certification tests, so we had a quick family dinner at Friday's.  I always enjoy the fine cuisine at Friday's, but I was glad I didn't notice the fugly new flower arrangement outside Friday's before we ate, because I would have lost my appetite.  Pictured below, the Fugliest of Floral Arrangements is  a giant monstrosity that must be stopped.

Saturday I had my tests during the day, did some shopping in Wheaton and Naperville, then got home in time to kick it Dragon Light style with Megan.  Ah, Dragon Light, my old standby for Chinese. The only other place I go for Chinese is Golden Dragon on Wilcox, which has the bonus of delivery and awesome sesame chicken, but I don't like their fried rice nearly as much as Dragon Light's.  After Dragon Light I headed home before going out to Samy's for the evening.  It was an eventful night at Samy's; there was a questionable incident with an ambulance, we saw a girl get carried out of the bar twice, and we met some members of the team that played the Jackhammers that weekend, the Kansas City T-Bones.  One of the "players" had recently pulled his groin muscle and felt the need to point out where this muscle was located.  If this was an attempt at pitching woo, it was not too good because the word "groin" is kind of a mood-killer.  We also ran into old pal O.J. and company (happy belated birthday O.J.!) who informed us of the fun they'd had at Monday's Van Halen concert. 

Didn't do anything interesting Sunday or Monday, but yesterday I went on a work outing to the Kane County Cougars game.  The weather was beautiful and I got quite sunburned, and we had a great time.  As usual, I didn't pay much attention to the game, but as the Cougars were already assured of a spot in their playoffs, they didn't really need my support.  When we got back to Joliet, I had my first visit at my cousin's preferred local bar, Bobby's Tap.  We got there just in time for Jeopardy, and the competition was fierce. 

That's about all I have for now, more news soon! Adios!

The world's ugliest flower arrangement, outside Westfield Shoppingtown Louis Joliet Mall (I think I got the name in its entirety) Posted by Hello

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