Thursday, March 18, 2004

The Best Police Blotter Ever. Seriously. I Don't Know that This Can Be Topped. But Feel Free to Prove Me Wrong, Citizens of Joliet and Police Blotter Author

Apparently it's Superlative Day, because that might have also been my longest title ever. Ok, so the police blotter. The best ever, ever ever today. But first, here's a couple other recent good ones:

DUI Charge
JOLIET-A motorist learned the hard way Thursday that driving the wrong way down a one-way street while drunk with a prostitute is never a good idea, police said.
Officers reported seeing a man make a left-hand turn the wrong way onto Ottawa Street from Washington Street shortly after 3 a.m. Police pulled the man over and noticed he appeared to be drunk, authorities said.
Then the officer inquired about the man's female companion. The driver said "he wasn't going to lie" and told police his friends had just visited with the woman and he wanted to see her too, police said.
Then he admitted paying her $20, police said

I loved how he learned the lesson "the hard way." I didn't know that the "don't go down a one way street the wrong way when drunk with a hooker" (that sounds kind of kinky) life lesson was one you had to learn by experience.

Joliet man arrested for fleeing scene

JOLIET-A man ended up in jail because he had to go to the bathroom and couldn't wait for the police to finish filling out a traffic ticket Sunday.
Charlie Todd Jr., 49, of 1317 California, was pulled over on Jackson Street near Willard Street by Joliet police, for failing to use a signal when changing lanes.
While waiting for his ticket, Todd said he had to go to the bathroom, police said. The officers told him to wait, but Todd got into his car and left the scene.
Todd then drove through a stoplight and stop sign eventually pulling into his driveway on California Avenue. Police said they tried numerous times to get Todd to come out of the vehicle, but he resisted and was forcibly removed
Todd was arrested and booked into the county jail on charges of aggravated fleeing and eluding police, resisting and obstructing a police officer.

They never say that the guy left the car. He had to go to the bathroom really badly, but he never left the car. I'm thinking that that car might need to get its interior cleaned.

Police report possible plot to poison guard dog

JOLIET- A West Side business owner alerted police to a possible plot to poison his guard dog after a frozen meatball struck his window Monday.
The owner of Alliance Fence Corp. told police he was sitting at his desk when he heard something hit his window about 7 a.m.
The owner went outside his 1738 Irish Indian Trail business to investigate, police said, and found a frozen meatball on the ground near the window.
The owner reportedly told police he believes the meatball may contain rat poison "and was intended for his guard dog."
The owner "feels this may be a possible set up for his business to be broken into or a theft of fence material from his property," police said.
The business is posted with a "Beware of Dog" sign, police said, and this could have tipped the would-be prowlers to the presence of the guard dog.

Mamma mia, that's a spicy meatball! Yes, I could see where the "Beware of Dog" sign could have tipped off "would-be" prowlers that there was a dog on the premises. Much like a "Honk If You Love Alyson Hannigan" license plate frame might tip off would be car prowlers that the car's owner indeed loves Alyson Hannigan. Perhaps this knowledge might lead them to assume that a break-in could lead to the acquisition of an American Pie soundtrack or Buffy the Vampire Slayer action figures

And now, the best police blotter entry ever. Warning: contains "toilet humor."

Cops: Joliet woman finds unknown feces

JOLIET-A woman returned Tuesday to her Oneida Street home to find a surprise in her toilet, police said.
The 47-year-old woman told police she discovered "fecal matter in her master suite toilet," police said. "None of her daughters claimed responsibility" for the enigmatic excrement.
The woman believes her estranged husband may have dropped off the found feces, police said.
While something was left behind, nothing was taken, police said, and there was no sign of forced entry.

This is just amazing. I cannot tell you the joy that this entry brings to me. "Enigmatic excrement!" "Found feces!" "Something was left behind!" Sheer brilliance. I wonder how the daughters denied that the doo-doo was their own. Perhaps the line, "I shit you not" was stated. Or maybe, "Not me! I haven't eaten corn in forever!" As to who to the "poopetrator" (a pun on perpetrator, if you didn't guess) was, I have some suspicions. . .

perhaps Mr. Hankey comes out for St. Patrick's Day these days. I wonder how she guessed the estranged husband might have done it. Did he have a "unique pooping style"? Also when they say "dropped off," do they mean "pooped in the master suite" or "pooped somewhere else, then brought it over to the Oneida Street residence? O.J., I want the full (Pooper) scoop(er) on this issue. It's a load of crap (literally) that this woman called the police, but oh am I happy that it happened. I've always wanted to write a book of my tales of Joliet called, "You Can't Make This Shit Up." Today I learned that literally, you can't make this shit up.

In recent music news, I have heard the Steve Perry classic "Oh Sherry" twice in the past week, once in Joe's car and once at the dentist. If anything can make teeth cleaning pleasant, it's the soothing voice of Steve Perry. "Oh, Perry. . ." Also in music news, 88.7 did a whole Irish music 24/7 deal this week, but Shannon and I have found that their definition of Irish music is depressing dirgelike instrumentals with the occasional drinking song thrown in to lighten the mood. I'm really in the mood for a new radio station. B96 and Kiss are getting too repetitive, the Mix DEFINES repetitive, and although I do enjoy hearing "She's Like the Wind" as much as the next person (if the next person is Patrick Swayze), Star 96.7 just isn't what I would define as cool. I do enjoy the classic rock on 100.7, but I don't have any more room for presets in my radio, so I need to decide what to get rid of. Former favorite 94.7 the Zone is inching closer to being replaced, it was awesome when it was modern alternative, but its new positioning as a modern hard rock station isn't too fun; I prefer Def Leppard and Poison to Godsmack and Korn. I just need a radio station that's like a mixed tape and basically has a little bit of every genre (except perhaps Contemporary Christian Pop, I'm not a DC Talk fan) thrown in. Also, I miss the Bus, my internship there was quite a fun summer.

Recent nights on the town. . .saw Starsky and Hutch last Friday and I loved it. You can't go wrong with Ben Stiller, a Wilson (I prefer Luke to the scary nose of Owen, but they're both good), Vince Vaughn, Snoop, and comic genius Will Ferrell, directed by "Old School" genius Todd Phillips. Excellent film, three and a half stars. Saturday began the first in a chain of Irish-themed days that I've enjoyed lately. I headed downtown to go see Gaelic Storm at the House of Blues with Shannon, Joe and my sister. Before the concert, Jen and I did some shopping on Michigan Avenue. During this shopping trip we had a Celebrity Sighting. Now, I have had some Celebrity Sightings in the past, soon I'll do a whole entry devoted to them on a day with less news. So we're walking down Michigan, I'm on the phone with Joe, and I spot a guy from Alias. Which guy from Alias? Is it this one?


Or is it this one?

Sadly, no.

What about this one?

Ding ding ding!!

Yes, I saw the guy that plays Marshall on Alias walking down Michigan Avenue. I probably would have been much happier to see Michael Vartan, but I don't know that I would have even realized it was him except for thinking "Ooh random hot guy." However, Kevin Weisman, aka "guy who plays Marshall" is very distinctive, and much easier to notice. This added some excitement to my day. In another note, and I'm a little picture happy today, I saw my friend Leslie last night and apparently she also saw a lesser known celebrity strolling Michigan Ave. recently:

Yes, Jaime Gleicher of Rich Girls fame. Man I wish that show was still on.

Ok, so Saturday night we headed to House of Blues to see Gaelic Storm (Irish band that was the band in the movie Titanic) perform. The opening band was Black 47, a kind of Irish punk band that I wasn't a big fan of, but the lead singer according to Joe, looked like my dad with different hair. I did note the resemblance, but I also thought he looked like a young Jerry Springer. Note: my dad does not look like Jerry Springer. Anyway, the concert was a lot of fun, Gaelic Storm was awesome and they had a new song about a girl who wants a "pina colada in a pint glass," and I can relate to that. After the concert we went to Fado and thanks to my sister's eagle eyes, avoided sitting at a table that someone had puked on but did not avoid the attention of Jimmy, an Irish lad from "Tipp" (erary) that had recently come to the United States in search of "prosperity and romance." He did not find prosperity or romance during his conversation with us, but he did give me his festive green beads (note: no Mardi Gras exchange occurred for the acquisition of the beads).

Sunday Shannon, Joe, Julie and I headed to Beverly for the South Side parade. We did not bring liquor because according to the website, the police would be cracking down on public drinking this year, but apparently that was an empty threat because the streets were filled with boozers. After we left Julie with her fellow Dan Hynes for Senate marchers, we strolled down Western and found a bar, Brewbakers, with a line that looked negotiable. We headed in for a day of celebration, during which many amusing moments occurred. We met a guy named Vinnie who unfortunately did not have a girlfriend named Blossom, encountered a woman in the Port-a-Potty line who carried a silver flask of 1800 tequila and challenged another guy in line to do a shot while calling him "Puss Boy," and saw Patrick Swayze and Saddam Hussein lookalikes. I also think I might have seen a guy who was on the daytime reality show Starting Over, but I wasn't sure and I figured asking him would be embarrassing for all parties.

As for St. Patrick's Day itself, I went with a bunch of people to Ballydoyle in Downers Grove. It had been a while since I had been to the fair village of DG, and this pub, along with a lot of other new restaurants, had popped up in my absence. My favorite ever establishment in DG, a hot dog place that also sold cute accessories and had chairs shaped like high heels, and had a checkerboard and red decor that led me to refer to it as "The Max," continued to no longer exist. The Ballydoyle had quite the party going on for St. Patrick's day; their menu included corned beef "sliders" and these really good seasoned Irish potato chips (I did not opt for sliders, but their cheeseburgers were really good), they had a couple bands playing (including one that had played at Cuba, the best ever club in the world in Galway, Ireland, I still have to do an Ireland journal), and also some Irish dancers that were really good. Melissa, Shannon and I started entertaining the idea of being Irish dancers for Halloween next year, I just want one of those curly wigs. We had a lot of fun taking pictures with random people with Melissa's camera (and continuing to "take" pictures after the camera ran out of film), and learned that it's not a good idea to play with fire in the Ballydoyle, after a couple acquaintances got the boot after some experimentation with matches. A fabulous St. Patrick's day overall.

And I think that's all I have to tell you about today. My brushes with celebrity will be posted soon. Adios!

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