Friday, August 08, 2003


Ok, first thing, I found the best website ever: There's a thing on there called Tha Shizzolator; what you do is type in a website address and it translates the website into Snoop speak. Try it with my website, it's hilarious.

I forgot another odd thing from Alfa's the other night; Alfa's also has bar stools with engraved plaques for special customers. Again, I don't remember the names, but I will consult with Angie and get back to y'all.

Heroes last night was rather entertaining. We decided to have a theme night to make things more amusing, and our theme for the night was "Casual Night." Basically we wore pigtails, shorts, flipflops, t-shirts, etc. instead of the regular bar attire, and it was good times. Among the entertaining events of the evening:

1. Oh Hi Ho: Wendy and I passed by two guys. The guys told us we were "good looking," and explained that they were from Ohio and thus didn't usually encounter "good looking" girls. I asked if the girls in Ohio were ugly, and they concurred. I assume they were not employees of the Ohio Tourism Board.

2. Accessory Man: Nancy and I were approached by the same guy during different parts of the evening. He complimented Nancy on her flip flops and me on my "choker." I really would not describe my necklace as a choker, chokers make me think of those ugly ass lace necklaces with the cameos that were popular in 1993, but oh well. Perhaps this man was some sort of fashion consultant, a "Straight Eye for the Straight Guy" if you will.

3.Shout-Out, Part 3: A pal of "Legal Larry" came up to me and told me he had heard about the website. Alas, his modem had been down and he had not been able to check it out for himself. Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember, I hope that your modem will be repaired soon so you can check out the site and find this lovely shout out.

4.Dirty Dollar: Near the end of the evening we saw a dollar bill on the floor. We couldn't tell for sure if it was real or not, but it looked fake. I wanted to pick up the dollar, but Aaron warned me that it was too dirty. At one point the dollar disappeared and I accused (kindly, of course) fellow bargoers of taking the faux bill. Luckily it showed up again and I picked it up. Unfortunately, it was not Haunted Trails money or anything fun, just a fake dollar bill. I was disappointed, but not as much as the time that my mom and I were at Toys R Us and spotted a twenty on the floor. I picked it up and it was fake. The bill read, "Disappointed? You won't be if you trust in the Lord." Now I don't claim to know the secrets of the Lord, but I really don't think he wants his followers to scam people at Toys R Us.

5. Out of the Blue: Near the end of the night someone acquired a pen. Wendy used said pen to doodle a face (Mr. Pringle?) on the end of her hand, and I drew a face as well. I also decided it would be a good idea to have faces on my knees like Debbie Gibson used to do (unfortunately, I did not sport the ripped jeans or the little black hat). Side note: I met Debbie Gibson a couple years ago when she was in the musical Cinderella in Chicago. I told her I used to dance to her concert video when I was little. She told me that made her feel old. Sorry, Deb!

6.Service with a smile: Nancy and Megan and I were standing around, discussing how we needed to get beverages. Heroes was packed and it was very difficult to get served. I made eye contact with a couple guys sitting at the bar and smiled. Immediately they asked if we wanted drinks, and offered us shots as well. We got our beverages, thanked them and got out of the situation with no unwanted flirting or cheesiness. Yay for polite guys who give girls free drinks without being obnoxious. Thank you again, whoever you were!

7. Tall man, short pants: Sitting by the bar, our group spotted a fashion nightmare: a man wearing capris. Yes, you heard me correctly. This guy had on a tight black sleeveless shirt and white capri pants. He was a good looking guy and definitely getting a lot of attention from the ladies, but dude, capri pants? I think not.

Have a lovely weekend everyone, I'll be back with more news on Monday!

Thursday, August 07, 2003

News You Can Use

And welcome to the second edition of News You Can Use. Don't you feel smarter already?

1. Sybaris does not have telephones in their suites so that your stay is free of distractions. Also, if, you stop by any Sybaris location, any day of the week from 1-5 pm and take a tour of their romantic suites, you will receive a free t-shirt and special discounts!

2.Alfa's: People still use the expression, "Ain't no thing like a chicken wing." West Side Chopper shirts are in vogue. Having a promiscuous mother is apparently something to toast over, as we heard the following: "Our mom's a slut! Clink!"

3.Guy at Grapevine: Contrary to popular belief, girls should not wear black pants because they "make your ass disappear." The fashionable male even pointed out an example of this faux pas. In other Grapevine news: "Guts, cuts, or butts, no one rides for free."

4. Herald News: Sorry, I had to stick a little Blotter in: "The owner of a far West Side McDonald's showed up to his job of serving billions and billions Monday morning and found hundreds and hundreds gone." The thief wouldn't dare steal any McGriddles, they just sound so nasty! Has anyone dared to try one? Please let me know, we can post a review.
5.J & D Gyros: There is such a thing as mulberry flavored ice cream. That sounds more like a candle scent to me, and I know some candles smell really good, but that doesn't mean we should eat them.

Ok, I gots to go, more news later!

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

We're Gonna Party, We're Gonna Rock, Here's What's Showing at the Cinemark

I really miss Front Row Joe and Popcorn Penny, half the fun of going to Movies 10 (or Ghetto 8) was watching their adventures ("Quiet please, for the feature!") before the main attraction. I promised you a review of American Wedding, and you'll get not only that, but a review of Bend It Like Beckham as well. But first, the Blotter and my other adventures. . . In Saturday's blotter there was the tale of three Joliet men convicted in a drug operation. Now this might sound like a hard hitting case for Whiskey Tango, but believe you me, I found a gem of a quote. Apparently one of the men had been stashing cocaine at his girlfriend's house. Apparently this man was really worried about the girlfriend testifying, and was quoted as saying "Ain't no case if there ain't no her." I may have to write a rap song with that line, it brings to mind such classic lyrics as Snoop Dogg's "It ain't no fun if the homies can't have none," and Coolio's "Ain't no party like a West Coast Party 'cause a West Coast Party don't stop."

We also have a case of a woman being "illegally touched" at the sales trailer of a construction site in Shorewood. The woman describes the man as having "big eyes," and from the sounds of it, we have a "big eyed" attacker on the loose; Melanie and I wondered if this big eyed man was the same guy from the model home on Thursday, and the Herald News concurs: "Another man, described as having big eyes, reportedly attacked a woman at a far West Side model home Thursday."

Here comes a more lighthearted blotter entry:

Mailbox incident

JOLIET — A woman's mailbox was filled and smeared with whipped cream overnight Thursday.
The woman reported the whipped creaming of the mailbox outside her Arbor Gate Court Thursday morning.
Two 14-year-old girls were implicated in the incident, but not charged. They reportedly agreed to clean up the mess they left.

"The whipped creaming of the mailbox" is my new favorite expression, rather epic in proportion. Use it in a sentence if you will. And finally. . . you knew something entertaining had to happen at the Bob Dylan/Dead concert:

Teen bites police officer

JOLIET — Instead of taking a bite out of crime, a young concert goer decided to take a bite out of a police officer Saturday evening. A 16-year-old girl attending The Dead and Bob Dylan show became upset with an officer when he wouldn't let her use his cell phone to call her mother, police said.
The teen continued pestering the officer for the phone and ignored his answers.
Police said the sweet 16 then turned hostile and started kicking and hitting police.
Finally, she clamped down with her teeth on the officer's forearm.
Police arrested the juvenile and charged her with aggravated battery to a peace officer, battery causing bodily harm, resisting and obstructing a peace officer, and illegal consumption of alcohol by a minor.

I don't think McGruff the Crime Dog would be too proud.

Anyway, back to the weekend and stuff like that. Friday night after a brief stop at Glory Days to say goodbye to Ryan and eat some nachos that were inexplicably topped with shredded Italian beef rather than ground beef, Courtney and I went to see American Pie 3. Some background: I loved American Pie, didn't like American Pie 2 quite as much but still found it entertaining, and was very excited to see the 3rd one. We got some crazy movie previews including one that starred Stifler, the Rock, and Christopher Walken (buy your tickets NOW), then we settled in for an hour and half of mediocrity. This slice of Pie was the worst by far. Yes, it had some hilarious moments, and my new favorite quote is, "It's on like Donkey Kong," but I don't know. . .the plot just wasn't there. It seemed like most of the movie was just a Stifler showcase. Now I love Sean William Scott, I think he's hot for some reason, but he's just losing the Stifmeister. It seemed like it was really hard for him to get back into the role after doing other things, and it just wasn't working. He seemed psychotic rather than hilarious, and he couldn't even get the Stifler face down anymore. Other problems: unnecessary Kevin (I never understood why we had to have his character in the first place), Finch with a scary bloated face, and not enough Jim or Stifler's mom. However, it did have some really funny parts and a great soundtrack (despite the cover version of "Laid"). Overall, I would rate it 2, maybe 2 1/2 stars out of 4. I gotta say, this was no Old School.

Shannon and Joe and I saw "Bend It Like Beckham" last night. I liked this one a lot better than "American Wedding." Why? It had a cute storyline, it was set in England, fun music (the Indian music reminded me of my belly dancing class), and a really, really cute Irish guy with an accent. It was very cheesy and inspirational, but for some reason I really liked it. The soccer playing reminded of the 2 weeks Melissa and I played soccer in high school, my only foray into high school sports as a participant rather than an onlooker. I'd give this movie 3 out of 4 stars.

Another recommendation: Doggy Fizzle Televizzle, Snoop Dogg's show on MTV. I caught about ten minutes of it the other night and it was hilarious. Highlights: Snoop working at a petstore and smoking catnip out of a pipe, a guy trying to break the world record for the Longest Shout-Out ("I'd like to give a shout out to all four of my baby mamas. . ."), and a ripoff of those Sally Struthers commercials for sponsoring orphans in which you could sponsor a washed up rapper ("Call now, Coolio's standing by"). Good stuff.

Okay, final thing for the day. So my uncle is selling raffle tickets, and the prizes include a gift certificate to Sybaris. I was highly amused by this; who wouldn't love the pick-up line "I got a gift certificate to Sybaris, wanna go down the slide?" With some input from my brother and Joe, I came up with a song (set to the tune of Eddie Money's "Two Tickets to Paradise," also known as the theme song to my favorite Fox slutfest "Paradise Hotel") about this topic:

Two Tickets to Sybaris

I'm gonna take you on a trip 25 minutes away,
We can get pizza at the Frankfort Aurelio's if that's OK.

I've got two tickets to Sybaris,
Don't slide into the syphilis!
Two tickets to Sybaris,
Hope the pool's not filled with piss!

I could probably come up with more lyrics, but there really isn't much more to the song. Thanks for the increased amount of comments and tagboarding lately. Please continue to take the 50 Cent quiz, I haven't found any other good quizzes lately except for "Who in B2K is your baby daddy?" and I don't really know what that means. Adios!

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