From the Police Blotter. . .

The Herald News finally came through with today's exciting police blotter entry:

Teen arrested
JOLIET — A 16-year-old Glendale Heights boy was arrested for aggravated battery after allegedly hitting a 3-year-old girl with a stick.
The girl's dad told police the boy hit her Wednesday while she was playing at a school playground in the 500 block of Moran Street. When asked why he struck the girl, the arrestee reportedly said, "She hit me first."


What a great defense, I'm sure that would go over well on Law & Order. No exciting stories from last night, just watched Sliding Doors with Joe and Angie. One interesting note though: the Joliet Blockbuster Video does not carry The Karate Kid! What's up with that? Apparently that branch of Blockbuster is not the best. . .around. I will probably be venturing toward the town of Lockport (home of Katie Balicki) with Melanie, Nancy, and Megan, so I'm pretty sure some Whiskey Tango stories will come out of that adventure.

Heroes, Hoochies, and Hair Bands

Yet again, the Herald News was boring. It must be a conspiracy. So we went to Heroes last night, and I observed some disturbing, yet amusing things. There was a pair of girls, that for the second week in a row, has arrived in matching outfits. Not just any matching outfits, but hoochie mama matching outfits. Last week they were outfitted in some kind of sequinned bra tops, this week they went for red fringe. The "Tawdry Twins," along with their friends, also engage in behavior often seen at Heroes: grinding on each other to attract guys. It's just too skanky for me to handle, and much like the Cha Cha Slide, I refuse to participate on principle. At one point when the grinding was just a little too freaky for me to handle, I accidentally blurted out, "Eeww!" audibly enough for one of the grinders' friends to hear. Luckily, she smiled and laughed, perhaps sharing my pain, and I stepped away from the hoochies.
Heroes has a DJ on Thursdays, and when you go there as often as my friends and I do, you tend to notice a pattern in the order of songs. One such pattern is what we call the "Ass Trilogy." The ass trilogy consists of three consecutive songs dealing with booty; examples include "Baby Got Back", "Booty Call", "Back that Ass Up", and "Shake That Ass." This week's ass trilogy only consisted of "Booty Call" and "Back that Ass Up," which did not allow enough time for our favorite security guard to shine his flashlight on various booties on the dance floor. One final bit of Heroes info: for those in the know, the scary Express employee, previously only spotted in her workplace and at Barnes and Noble, was seen at Heroes last night, in a frightening fur collared sweater like the ones she tries to push customers to buy.

In the other story of the day I recently made a cd of the songs that every cover band seems obligated to include in their repertoire. Here's the playlist:
1.AC/DC-Shook Me All Night Long
2.Billy Idol-Dancing With Myself
3.Bon Jovi-Livin' On a Prayer
4.Cheap Trick-I Want You to Want Me
5.KC & the Sunshine Band-Get Down Tonight
6.Joan Jett-I Love Rock N Roll
7.Pat Benetar-Hit Me With Your Best Shot
8.The Romantics-What I Like About You
9.Bryan Adams-Summer of '69
10.Poison-Talk Dirty to Me
11.Rick Springfield-Jesse's Girl
12.Violent Femmes-Blister in the Sun
13.Def Leppard-Pour Some Sugar on Me
14.Cheap Trick-Surrender
15.Kiss-Rock N Roll All Night
16.Commodores-Brick House
17.Wild Cherry-Play that Funky Music
18.John Mellencamp-Jack and Diane
19.Journey-Any Way You Want It
20.John Mellencamp-The Authority Song
21.James-Laid
22.Van Morrison-Brown Eyed Girl.

So yesterday I did a websearch on Whiskey Tango, and what do I find but this? Yes, a Missouri band called Whiskey Tango that seems to epitomize the Whiskey Tango ideal. Check out the hair on Darrell, and I think Darren and Donnie in the back (Moke, the only non-"D" named Whiskey Tangoer, seems to have avoided the curse of the bad hair) seem to be sporting the business in front, party in back look that sends every Billy Ray Cyrus lover aflutter. But it gets even better-check out the song list. Tracks 6, 11, 14, 15, and 17 from my cd are included. Perhaps Whiskey Tango will do some Chicago dates. If not, I might have to order a t-shirt. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like they sell fringed, airbrushed baby tees, as would be fitting.

Sign your name across my butt. . .

I thought I'd share a classic story today, since today's Herald News was very boring. Since everyone knows I enjoy a good booty story, I thought that I'd share a tale from the rear.
Last Friday night Melissa, Blair, Joe, Melanie, and I went to a couple bars in Naperville. We started out at Jimmy's, and after a while two girls arrived. One of the girls had no distinctive traits, but the other girl stood out a bit. First, she had on patchwork jeans, which I always find amusing, due to the fact that there is a girl at our local bars who I've deemed "Patchwork Princess" due to her love affair with multicolored denim. But not only was she wearing disturbingly tight pants, the ass of the pants, as I quickly pointed out to Melissa, was emblazoned with a signature of some sort. Now who could this be? We discussed at the table, and although my former employer Kid Rock was a viable option, we weren't satisfied with mere "ass"umptions: remember, to assume makes an ass out of you and me! However, Melissa and I were worried that Patches might think we were staring at her rump with more than just penmanship in mind if we asked her who signed the pants, and the guys at the table weren't willing to do so either. So we headed on to Features with unanswered questions. After a brief incident with Heineken skunk beer, who should turn up but Patches Patty herself! In our excitement Melissa and I vowed to do whatever it took to find out who signed them. For a brief while this consisted of staring intensely at her ass, which drew some strange, yet interested looks from nearby barflies. We were able to make out an uppercase "Z" in the signature, which made Joe guess that Billy Zane was the phantom signer, but again "ass"umptions were not enough. We pleaded our case to some fellow Cubs fans, but no deal. Finally, we walked up to a guy sitting near the Denim Diva and asked him to do it, he agreed (score!) and called her over. I was slightly frightened at the prospect of speaking to Patches herself, but after observing her doing body shots off hapless males at Jimmy's (whose friends commented, "He's ruining our rep!"), I figured she was an easygoing gal. Our new friend asked her the question, and she responded that her friend, an up and coming designer, made the jeans, and she had him sign them (perhaps so she could sell them on Ebay one day?). We were satisfied with the answer and went on our way. However, this up and coming designer wasn't too creative with his designs, as those pants are seen everywhere now. Who was he? Charlotte Russe? Wet Seal? Or the Fashion Bug himself?

Hello Hello

So last night I was about to go to bed, and my brother came up to tell me a story he heard on the news. He told me that apparently a woman in Joliet had a baby and named it Winston Nascar I-Rock. Naturally, this sounds like something that could happen in J-town, so I was excited at yet another good Joliet story. However, he informed me that he was joking, and it actually happened in Ohio. After I got over my disappointment, I realized how many good stories I have to share about my life in the Southwest suburbs, many of them involving mullets, Nascar, and petty criminals. Also, our local publication, the Herald News often has thrilling, well-written stories, including their hard-hitting Police blotter (highlight: "Man steals Honey Buns") that I feel everyone needs to experience, especially friends who have moved to Lisle and don't get the joy of a Herald News subscription any longer. So I decided to start Whiskey Tango-Tales from J-Town in order to share my adventures with friends and family. Highlights will include the aforementioned Herald News items, adventures at the local bars, and other amusing observances. Now that summer's on its way, Joliet's finest will be out in their muscle shirts and ready to party, and I'll be reporting on all the dirt.
And, yes, I know this design is butt ugly. Unfortunately the template designs tend to be pretty bad. But I felt that the "eternal flame" of this design was the least offensive. Speaking of which, does anyone else think the new Shakira song "Underneath Your Clothes" sounds EXACTLY like "Eternal Flame"? Trust me, it does.