Thursday, June 16, 2005

Heroes and Legends. . .of the Racetrack?

NEWSFLASH: Rue "Blanche Devereaux" McClanahan has decided to get her butt off the lanai in Miami and help some pachyderms. According to this story, Rue's protesting the movement of some elephants from Chicago to Oklahoma. Does this have anything to do with Wankie?

I've heard from a couple different people that the new location of Heroes will be somewhere near the Chicagoland Speedway. To this I say. . .someone's wearing Bad Idea jeans. Does anyone go out in that area other than when there are races going on? Do J-town locals really want to travel that far? I'd probably go once or twice for curiosity, but I don't think I'd travel that way regularly when there are so many entertaining bars that are more convenient. More news on this as it comes.

Miami pictures: haven't had a chance to upload them to the computer yet, I'm planning to do it this weekend. You'll all get to see the mock turtleneck swolley soon enough.

In Herald News news, we have some interesting blotter entries. On an ironic note, the head of the Driver's Ed program at Lincoln Way East got a DUI recently, which makes me worry about teenage drivers in Mokena. We had an incident where a kid thre w a Roman candle at a "candy man" (I assume it wasn't the ghost of Sammy Davis Jr.). And then, we have this:

Sex offender arrested
ORLAND PARK — A carnival worker choking on Polish sausage found himself saved — and arrested — by Orland Park police at Orland Days.A registered sex offender was working at a concession booth selling candy and inflatable cartoon characters at the Orland Days carnival, police said.
Police walking on patrol at the festival encountered the man, who was choking. Paramedics were called and they dislodged a piece of Polish sausage from his throat. Police then ran a name check that revealed he is a registered child sex offender.
He was charged with felony unlawful contact with children by a sex offender on June 1.
Police said the man was charged with a felony because he was working in a capacity to deal specifically with youngsters.

There is just so much wrong with that, and again I've been blessed with knowledge that keeps me away from carnivals. Here's another one that has some good use of quotation marks:

Juveniles intoxicated
LOCKPORT — Police officers found two allegedly intoxicated teens in an alley early Saturday morning.
At approximately 2 a.m., officers received a call for a disturbance in an alley near Ninth and Lincoln streets. There they discovered a 15-year-old and 13-year-old who appeared to be very intoxicated, police said.
Officers then located a "teen party" where alcohol was being served in the area.
Police said no arrests have been made at this time, but the investigation is ongoing.
The intoxicated juveniles were released to their parents, police said.

I love "teen party." Why does that need to be in quotes? It sounds like some kind of anthropologic study of the lives of teens, and also, for some reason, reminds me of the "rave" episode of 90210 where Andrea and Steve try to "exchange an egg" to find out where the "rave" is going to be held. Sorry, I've got quotation mark fever.

Woman punches another
JOLIET — A lesbian love triangle exploded when a "jealous and aggressive female" punched another woman in the face Tuesday, police said.
The 20-year-old woman on the other side of the jealous and aggressive female's fist told police she had been in a relationship with another woman in her Evergreen Terrace apartment building, but her paramour has since moved on and taken up with this jealous and aggressive female.Still, the former flames do live in the same building and speak often, the 20-year-old told police.
The other female grew angry when she learned "that her woman was talking to another woman," police said. She dealt with this anger by punching the 20-year-old in the face, police said.

Somebody's got paramour fever. . .I really like the talk of the jealous and aggressive female, we have the phrase mentioned three times just so we're clear.
And in the Open Line. . .

Harley riders
I remember when only bikers rode Harley's. Now you have blue hairs riding them and they look like dorks.Joliet

What does this caller propose be done about the blue hairs? I would assume that bikers do age and become blue hairs at some point.

Toilet flushers
I know that the more people you have in Joliet, the more people that you have flushing toilets. And that takes a lot of water. Now we're told we can't water the grass. It's people that flush the toilets that are to blame, and you don't even charge them enough to come to the city so they can flush it.

Wow. I think Joliet should change its motto to "Joliet: The more people you have, the more people you have flushing toilets." Does this person think we should just stop flushing altogether? I think that might lead to a situation similar to my favorite Police Blotter ever. Also, is this person implying that people come to Joliet, bags of waste in hand, ready to flush? I think they have plumbing in Shorewood and Plainfield, last I checked. This post also reminded me of the ultra sketchy restaurant bathroom I encountered in Miami. For some reason they were having toilet issues, and patrons were encouraged to throw their toilet paper away rather than flush it. According to Julie and my sister, this is common in Greece. Ick.

Painting the grass
Joliet needs to realize that we've been in a drought for almost the past two months. There should be a total ban on lawn watering. With all of the increasing home development, we're running short on water. We don't need to keep the grass green when we need water for bathing, cooking, laundry and flushing the toilet. We don't need just a few people with green lawns and the rest have dry lawns. The grass will come out of the brown stages. If the people need green lawns, they can spray paint their grass.

I found that one amusing because last night I was watching the ultra crappy Hillary Duff movie "A Cinderella Story," aka "what happens when Emily doesn't want to go out and there's nothing good on." Anyway, part of the plot of the movie is that there's a big drought in the San Fernando Valley, and only Hillary Duff's lawn is green because her evil stepmother (played by Jennifer Coolidge, aka Stifler's mom and one of my favorite actresses) insists on watering it. At the end of the movie (sorry to give it away, Duff fans), Hillary gets a kiss from her Prince Charming (played by hot but squinty "One Tree Hill" star Chad Michael Murray), and the rain begins to fall again. A remarkable movie, let me tell you. Last week during my food poisoning incident, I watched the Olsen Twins film "New York Minute" on cable (I could only handle mindless things), and that was surprisingly much better. And back to the subject of crap. . .

Tails dragging
The way these young men wear their shorts down around their knees so their underwear sticks out, how stupid you look. The only thing I can figure out is maybe their mothers never changed their diapers and they walked around with a load, so they're used to having their tails dragging behind them. Let's see you get a job looking like that. If you walked into my business, I'd tell you to hit the door.

Maybe they were walking around with a "load" because they didn't want to pay to go to Joliet to flush the loads down the toilets, did you think of that one, caller?

I was also entertained by Natalie Ruffatto's column yesterday regarding "Brady Bunch" reruns. I was obsessed with "The Brady Bunch" in junior high, to the point where I dressed up as Alice for Halloween. I, also, have no idea where Alice found the time to get her hair up like that. I think it took my mom and I about two hours to create that feat of styling magic. Speaking of "Brady Bunch," Shannon's hairdresser's son was evidently at McBrody's on a night when "Scoop" Brady and Adrianne Curry were carousing there. I have yet to meet a Brady star, but I think I would most want to meet Oliver, only because I've seen him on VH1 recently and he looks entertaining. Hanging with Greg would be fun too, because his book "Growing Up Brady" was awesome. Also, did anyone besides me watch the early '90's drama version of "The Brady Bunch" called "The Bradys"? Even I had to give up on it after a while. All I remember was that Bobby was a paralyzed racecar driver hooked up with Martha Quinn, and Marsha was an alcoholic (and played by a different actress). They need to rerun that show. Ok, enough of the Bradys.

In other H-N news, we are getting a CVS on Essington. Yes, another pharmacy. We need another pharmacy like we need another discount cigarette store. In social news, I went with Court and Rob to see "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" on Friday night. First, let's discuss our viewing experience. We were in the back row of the theater, in a sea of neckless men. Seriously, we were surrounded by a slew of men with large heads that sat directly on their shoulders. It was quite odd. Also, the neckless men in front of us kept alternating putting their arms around each other and the woman next to them, who, luckily, had a neck. Anyway, I really liked the movie overall. The plot could have been more complicated, it was a little simpler than it needed to be, but the acting was great, and any movie with Brad Pitt, Vince Vaughn, and Adam Brody is the movie for me. Three stars. After the movie I met up with my pal Gnome AtticJoe at Jameson's for a while, where I think I saw a couple people using the patio, and I definitely saw a woman in cowgirl wear.

Saturday afternoon, Courtney, Rob, and I had a shocking sighting at Barnes and Noble: a boy with a tail. No, I'm not speaking of some frightening half man/half boy hybrid, but a kid with a braided tail in his hair straight out of 1989. Camera phones were whipped out and I think Courtney got a decent shot. After eating dinner at B-Dub's, Shannon, Joe, and I met up with Nancy in Naperville where we attempted to check out one new bar, "Peanuts" (it had 5 people in it, so we did not enter), and ended up at another new bar on Jefferson, Rizzo's. This place was pretty cool, kind of a Features vibe but not a logistical nightmare. The dance floor at Rizzo's is upstairs rather than in a main walking area of the bar, which is nice. We did not dance, however, but hung out in a booth and did our usual commentary. Issues discussed included the reasons behind the fact that the Shaq movie "Steel" (not to be confused with "Blue Steel") was playing on the TV's, the strangely homoerotic greeting behavior guys in the bar were giving each other, and the crazy walk of one bar patron in a miniskirt. She kept doing this "pause, twist hips, pause, twist hips" series of movements that made her look like her hips needed to be oiled. I like the location of Rizzo's, as everything else is over by Jimmy's and it's nice to have another bar near Quigley's.

Sunday evening Melanie and I went to St. Joe's park for the first time this season. Two very bad things: no bingo and no smokies. The bingo I can deal with, I don't usually play, but it seemed odd not having it there. It's not like there was canasta to take its place or something. However, no smokies was quite disappointing. I know not every picnic has smokies, but I was in the mood. However, I did enjoy an excellent grilled hot dog. The people watching was fabulous as usual. I actually saw a man wearing what I believed to be an anti-Bush swolley. When swolleys get political. . .The band for the evening was called, I believe Class VII (I might be wrong on the Roman numeral part). The band had a cast of thousands, including a saxophonist and keyboards, and was overall pretty entertaining. Apparently they had played some Journey before I arrived, but oh well. I was particularly amused by their performance of "Love Shack." After St. Joe's, we went over to Jameson's, where we actually sat on the patio! The patio was very nice. Apparently they're getting bags this week and soon the music will be piped out into the patio area. There will also be a fire pit Amusingly, since they were lacking in outdoor music on Sunday, someone pulled up his car and turned on the radio.

In culinary news, the Pepe's in Shorewood is NOT open yet, despite newspaper coupons that say "now open." Shannon and I had plans to dine there for lunch yesterday, but were thwarted and had to go to Chili's. WOW Wingery is open and I plan to check it out very soon. That's all I have for now, more news soon!

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