Friday, July 01, 2005

Buy Your Miracle Bras at Fox Valley. . .

. . .because we've got peepers at the Joliet Victoria's Secret. The headline of the article, is of course, classic: "Cops: Victoria's Secrets Unkept." Is it wrong that I find this hilarious? I can't wait to see who the perp is. An article highlight:

The store remained open Wednesday, and customers were not scared off by the ominous yellow tape prohibiting the use of the changing rooms.

Today's paper had an update that consisted of very little new info, except that I enjoyed this quote:

Deputy Police Chief Fred Hayes said the investigation into who may have turned the Victoria's Secret changing rooms into a makeshift peep show is still running hot, but detectives have yet to identify who was leering at the unwitting lingerie shoppers.

After hearing about this incident, aka "Peeping Tom Checks Out Teddies," I decided to draw my own conclusions as to who's been peeping. Last week, Chuck Berry gave a concert in Joliet, and I had a vague recollection of the Chuckster getting in trouble some years past for taking pictures of women using the bathroom at his restaurant. I did a little Googling, and I was correct. Is this a coincidence? I think not.

During what I expected to be a mundane visit to Subway today, I found several bits of humor. First, they're getting rid of Sub Club cards due to "fraud." Apparently Jared and his ilk have been defrauding the sandwich artists in order to get better deals on their BMT's. Personally, I've always been anti-Sub Club because those little stamps were archaic. Secondly, I was behind an older man in line who, when asked what bread he would like, asked for rye. Come on now. Finally, as I was getting a drink, I overheard two elderly women sitting by the window who were extolling the virtues of Subway. One of the women claimed to have been going there forever (surely she'd know better than to ask for rye!), and talked about they make it "your way" at the sandwich establishment, as opposed to McDonald's, where they slap everything on your burger without asking. Last I checked, you can special order at Mickey D's, and I think "Have it your way" was Burger King's slogan, but oh well.

I had a little "Am I dumb?" moment Wednesday night. I started classes again last night, and my instructor referred to the Filipino language Tagalog as "Tuh-GAH-log." I always thought it was pronounced "tag-uh-log" like the Girl Scout cookie. If anyone knows, let me know. I don't talk about Tagalog very often, if at all, but I'm curious.

Back to the news. . .Open Line and the blotter have been pretty slow besides the Vicky's incident. This one was amusing:

Stray dog bites man's hand
JOLIET — A black dog bit the hand that tried to feed him Sunday morning, police said.
The dog wandered up to a man in the back yard of a Kylemore Court residence shortly before 8 a.m. The 67-year-old man told police he was standing in his yard when the dog walked over to him.
The man discovered the dog had no tags, police said, so he tied a rope around its neck and attempted to give the dog some water.
The dog responded to this act of kindness by biting the man's left hand, police said.
The man called police and an officer responded to his back yard. The officer then attempted to contact Animal Control, police said.
"Animal Control never returned the page given to them by radio (dispatchers)," according to a police report.
"(The officer) took the dog out to the dog pound and tied him up and gave him water," the report said.

There was another incident where a guy put a cop in a "headlock." Maybe it's in quotes because he was unsuccessful?

Women beaten with mini bat
JOLIET — Things turned ugly for two women vying for the affections of the same man when one beat the other with a "souvenir mini bat" Thursday on Hyde Park Street, police said.
The beaten 20-year-old Lockport woman told an officer she was attacked "over a 'mutual boyfriend' issue," according to a police report, and that her rival was "angry over them having dated the same man."
The one woman hit the other with the souvenir mini bat about the face and body, police said. The beaten woman suffered multiple scrapes and had blood in her hair, police said.

Was it an inflatable bat? I love this one. I'm picturing a "Whack a Mole"-type situation going down. Also, someone missed a very good opportunity to use the word "paramour."

And in Open Line. . .

I'm a taxpayer, Teamster and homeowner. I've paid a lot of taxes, and I'm watering my lawn. This isn't Russia. Come find me. And I'll tell you how to solve the water problem. Tell these politicians to quit lining their pockets with contractor money, and put some infrastructure in and roads in before they build houses. With that said, I'm watering my lawn. So, go ahead wake me up at 4 a.m. Come and get me.Plainfield

This isn't Russia, guys. Apparently this man thinks Joliet is becoming a Communist regime. Will the Rialto Square Theatre be known as the Red Square anytime soon?

Ok, recent adventures. I was in Hilton Head for a brief vacation and my cousin's wedding. I absolutely loved it there, the weather was beautiful, the area was gorgeous. However, there wasn't a lot of Whiskey Tango, but once in a while I need a break from that. From Wednesday afternoon through early Friday evening, I saw little to no Whiskey Tango. During that time, I sunbathed, went to the pool, did some shopping, and went shark fishing. Shark fishing was incredible. I never thought I would enjoy fishing, but it was amazing. There were, I think, 11 of us from my family on the boat, and we had a fabulous time. Yes, I have pictures, and I actually caught two sharks. They're reef sharks, so they're pretty small, but it was a lot of fun. Shark fishing was followed by a dinner that included a suspicion of Whiskey Tango; when my cousin asked a waiter where he was planning to go out after work in an effort to find out about area hot spots, the waiter answered, "Wherever they f**king sell liquor." He was quite a bad ass. Friday was WT free up until we went to the hotel bar after the rehearsal dinner. That was where we encountered Target The Band. I don't know if they refer to themselves as just Target, but I like Target The Band. It sounds like a command, much like "mock turtleneck." I want to target the band. . .with a Super Soaker. Target the Band consisted of three musicians, including a ponytailed keyboardist, and a diva of a singer, Michelle. The band played quite a variety of tunes, including some Maroon 5, Outkast (an all white band singing "I Like The Way You Move" is as soulless as it sounds, especially when aforementioned ponytailed keyboardist rapped), and an inexplicable rendition of "America the Beautiful." We weren't sure if we were allowed to keep drinking during that one. Michelle was also clad in a strange ensemble that had a skirt portion, but pants as well. What was the deal? My cousin seeked to clear up the mystery by dancing up to the stage and asking her if it was a one piece, and she confirmed it. Also present at the bar: a mulleted man who looked like a combo of Screech and Slater (my sister named him "Screechter"). We got a picture, but it didn't come out very well. Apparently South Carolinians spend their free time learning mad dance skills, as people were going wild on the dance floor. There was one dancer who had some masterful skills and displayed them with a variety of partners, including a woman who appeared to be wearing shoes that featured lights flashing on and off, much like children's tennis shoes. I was relieved to have some Whiskey Tango back in my life. Wedding highlights: a good time was had by all. I was mostly amused by the videographer, who was all about being "artsy." Apparently he was drawing hearts in the sand and videotaping them when people were taking pictures on the beach. At several times I saw him filming people pouring drinks and coolers of beer. At another point, he took a deck of cards, spilled them out on the floor, and filmed them. Finally, when the dancing began, Mr. Videographer became an ass aficionado, filming everyone's butts on the dance floor. After some time, I approached the man and asked him (in a friendly manner, of course) what the deal was with the butt shots and he claimed that he only taped them during "Baby Got Back," and that the rest of his camerawork only looked like ass videography due to the lighting. I was confused and let that one go. However, on my way back to my hotel room later, I noticed some Cheetos artistically spilled on the lobby floor. I don't know if this was the work of Handicam Harry, but I took a picture for posterity. He'd be so proud.

And in Joliet adventures, Wendy and I went out for a while last night to a couple "hot spots." First, we hung out with Mike, Brian and Kelly for a while at Jameson's. I continue to love Jameson's, but I continue to wish people would dance there. It'd be the perfect bar if they did. A little advice to the DJ: stop repeating songs so early in the evening. I think I heard "American Baby" twice in an hour. When we were in the bathroom, I heard something over the loudspeaker about the "new Sapphire," and I really want to know what that means. I had heard something before about Sapphire having problems and how they were thinking of making the main floor more casual, while having the second floor more like Sapphire is now. Insiders, give me the scoop.

Having a need to dance, we eventually went to Samy's. My new name for Samy's is "The Necessary Evil." If you want to dance, and you don't want to be the only person on the dance floor, it's one of the only options. However, the crowd is sketch and a half. I saw a girl wearing pants that said "Dang!" across the ass. We spent much of our time at Samy's chatting with reader Jerry of Fivetone, and discussing, among other things, the origin of swolley. It's a bit tricky, since you'd think "swoll" would be the noun and "swolley" the adjective, but it's just not the case. Also, supposedly you can buy Tab t-shirts at Target. Is Tab still available? I want a Green River shirt.

In news of Whiskey Tango across the globe, my brother just alerted me to a new class of people in England known as "chavs." This article has a lot of information and a truly hilarious accompanying picture a little further down the page. This website has a lot more info and lists Britney Spears among the celebrity chavs. That's all I have for now, enjoy the weekend!

Thursday, June 30, 2005

No, I was not hanging with Belding. Bayside was this random mall type place the woman at our hotel told us to go to that was basically like the crappy stands at Navy Pier. Posted by Hello

Me, after I was "dared" to sit at a table in the water at the bar at the Delano. How risky! Posted by Hello

Scary, scary mannequin. Apparently scary mannequins are not just in Ireland. Posted by Hello

Apparently "Your on Video" should be smiling. Posted by Hello

"Wayne, what would you like?" "I'll have the cream of . . ." Posted by Hello

Aren't we all glad the new "millenium" is here? A more subtle mistake than some of the others, but it's still there. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Satan's steam tray: nine corn dogs in a row at Canal Days. Posted by Hello

Apparently that's supposed to be an egg. Looks more like a tater to me. Posted by Hello

Mr. Hot Dog joins the Weiner's Circle. Posted by Hello

Jammer: Mid-Thrust. Posted by Hello

When love and hate collide: the Jackhammer Swolley. Posted by Hello

Shut Up and Pull! We Get Busy When It Gets Wet. Yes, this is a children's shirt. Posted by Hello

A really blurry picture of the Steelman and me. I am not trying to promote JTHS alumni, I went to JCA for goodness sake. However, I seriously thought there was a man dressed as a robot tromping about Silver Cross Field and wanted my picture taken with him. Note: the blurriness of this picture makes it look like the pictures from "The Ring." It's been 12 days, so I think I'm safe. Posted by Hello

I made sure not to participate in any "photograpy," but as long as "photography" is allowed, it was worth a shot. Taken in the Vizcaya mansion in Miami. Posted by Hello

It's the famous Swolley Mock. . .and he's not too pleased. Posted by Hello

Dancing, dancing men. I have video of this but I don't know how to post it yet. Posted by Hello

Pretty, pretty flower. Yes, sometimes I'm capable of taking pictures of things other than Whiskey Tango. Posted by Hello

Ecto-Cooler! Posted by Hello

Mistake #1: Sandwiche. Mistake #2: Rosemery. Mistake #3: Caessar. This was the place where there was a sign on the bar for "jin." I'll have a J&T, thanks. Posted by Hello

Some of the many fine fashions available in Miami Beach. I think Kelly Kapowski would wear the outfit on the left accompanied by a cropped white jean jacket. Posted by Hello

Stripper shoes. Floor to ceiling stripper shoes. Posted by Hello

"Breclets," anyone? Note that one of the styles available is WWJD? I think Jesus would spell bracelets correctly. Posted by Hello

Two pink cars, ah ah ah. No, the Miami Mary Kay ladies have not gone hipster. These were outside a restaurant known as "Big Pink." Posted by Hello

The people in Miami are teensy weensy (not to be confused with Tinky Winky). This picture was taken by Julie, who is quite a tall girl, to demonstrate the Smurflike height of the patrons of the Opium Garden. Posted by Hello

Could this bikini be any more J-town? Miller Lite, combined with Cubbies blue and NASCAR checkerboard, makes for a swimsuit that some might wear to Samy's, paired with some cutoffs, of course. Posted by Hello

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