Wednesday, August 11, 2004

That Led Zeppelin song with "I Know Where You're Going"

At least I think it's Led Zeppelin. It could be the Who, but I'm pretty sure it's Led Zeppelin. Go me. Continuing with my theme of titling my entries with the song on the radio. Ah the fun. Let's see. . .what have I been up to lately. Thursday was Wendy's last night out for the summer before she had to get her tonsils out. We had planned to commemorate the evening by dressing up, but the ass cold weather prevented that. What's up with this fall in August deal? October better be hot in exchange for this nonsense. Anyway, Heroes was good. While the week before had been "JCA Alums from my Class" night, this week was "JCA Alums from Wendy's Class" night, and we had fun catching up with former classmates, though, unlike the week before, none of them did parlor tricks with cigarettes. Hollywood Bob and Eddie C DJ'd as usual, as HB was continuing to break his promise of moving away. The contest of the evening was a "Booty Contest," and as an acquaintance of mine won the male portion of the contest, I got to find out firsthand the "booty" given to the winner of the Best Booty. His prizewinnings consisted of a tongue ring (now that's a present that everyone could use! Booty Bob gave it to the first person with this piercing that he could find), and some boxers. Other amusement occurred in the form of a guy wearing a "Thug Love" shirt who asked to "get to know me" (I declined), more characters who looked like Joey Gladstone (but not the usual Joey Gladstone lookalike), a guy who tried to get into a picture i was taking then proceeded to get into a brawl, and for some reason, the continuing trend (I've forgotten to mention this before) of Heroes staff handing out faux pearl necklaces to bar patrons. I don't want to get into the "pearl necklace" thing, but ew.

Friday evening was a low key night, and Saturday was a big event: Kelly's "unwedding." We went downtown to a bar on Rush and Division called Finn McCool's. Apparently this used to be the Alumni Club, who knows, but I really liked it. They played a good mix of music, cover was free, and it was packed. I had a night of "international intrigue" as I kept meeting guys from other countries. First I met James Joyce (Shanny, I know you're amused), a football player from Ireland, followed by Daniel, a longshore man from Australia in the middle of a trip around the world, then Joe, Victor, and Mark, three Canadians. The Canadian trio became our good friends near the end of the evening as we discussed sports, movies, and TV, most notably my favorite Canadian melodrama, Degrassi (and its current version, Degrassi: The Next Generation). One of them referred to the BMW Z-Series as "Zed Series," which is awesome. After the bar, we were advised by a bartender that there was a diner nearby, but we couldn't find it and ended up at an all night gyros and pizza stand (note: the Canadians pronounced it "jai-rose"). There was an odd cast of characters both in and outside the stand and as it was about closing time, the owner, who reminded me of the "Soup Nazi," refused to let Kelly and her sister wait outside for us, even though they were being bugged by bums. Luckily Brian (and a nearby cop) came to their rescue, and the Canadians and I tried to fend for ourselves with a tiny, haggard woman inside the restaurant who reminded us of Bilbo Baggins and kept asking the guys if they wanted to "play pattycake" or "play house." We got out as quickly as possible.

Haven't been doing much the past couple days beside boning up on my "Ghosts in the Graveyard" skills, but the Herald News has had some. . .interesting stuff lately. The
story of the man who accused a Empress security guard of fondling him (note: detectives determined the charges were "bogus." Excellent, Bill and Ted!) has been quite interesting. I like the fact that the man said the security guard told him, I have your (testicles)," and that while his original arrest stemmed from the man "grabbing a waitress improperly," he claimed that he "would never do anything like that if he was halfway sober." No word on the level of his impropriety if he was "all the way sober." And in the Blotter. . .

Man charged twice in two related cases
JOLIET — A man caught drinking in public swiped his confiscated bottle of vodka from the police station after he was released from custody Wednesday night, police said.
Robert Gonzalez, 39, of 26 W. Clinton St. first was arrested in Van Buren Plaza at Van Buren and North Chicago streets shortly before 6:30 p.m. Wednesday.
Gonzalez and another man, 54-year-old Jesus Martinez, also of 26 W. Clinton St., both were drinking beer and vodka, police said, and both were booked on a charge of liquor on a public way.
The two men were released on their own recognizance soon after. After they left, an officer realized a bottle of vodka seized as evidence had gone missing.
An officer tracked down Gonzalez on Jefferson Street near Chicago Street, police said. About 10 yards away, the officer found the purloined vodka bottle, police said.
Gonzalez was arrested again and charged with theft.

I love the word "purloined," but I don't really like vodka.

Six teenagers charged
CHANNAHON — Police nabbed a band of vandals who tore up the park district golf course earlier this week, officials said.
The six teens were linked to a string of vandalism from Sunday through Wednesday not only at the golf course, but in the Fairhaven Heights and Springbrook subdivisions as well.
The Channahon six allegedly caused about $5,000 worth of damage at the golf course alone, wrecking turf, a clock, a ball-washer, a garbage can, a bag stand, an irrigation satellite and a birdhouse. A tee sign, flags, hole cups and rakes also went missing, police said.
Mailboxes were damaged and car windows were broken in the subdivisions.
Police broke the case when they reportedly caught two of the teens — wet and covered with grass — cavorting in swimsuits.
The two admitted "running around and causing damage," police said. The other four were then linked to the mischief.
Two of the teens reportedly explained the vandalism spree as "drunken craziness."

Something about "drunken craziness" really cracked me up. I also like the word "cavorting."

I don't feel it's necessary to post this entire police blotter entry, but another
good one featured a man who "took a bullet to his buttocks," but currently "doesn't have the time" to cooperate with police. I guess he's too busy getting the bullet out of his butt and buying one of those donut cushions. And then there's this one:

Woman files report regarding ex-husband
JOLIET — A woman told police her ex-husband left bloody bandages and novelty parking signs on the lawn of her Whispermeadow Court home.
The woman told police that her most recent experience with her ex-husband involved his leaving a bag of bloody bandages on the lawn of her far West Side residence about 2 a.m. Monday.
The ex-husband has a tumor and he apparently wrapped this tumor in the bandages, the woman reportedly told police.
The man has been "doing strange activities," according to a police report, and also has left signs reading "Ron's Parking Only."
It was not clear from the police report who Ron may be.

Who leaves TUMORS on people's lawns? Have we really gotten to this level? I really hope we get an update on who Ron is.

Oh, I almost forgot to give a brief update on last week's trip to Romeo Fest. Shannon, Joe, and I went to the Fest to see Beatles cover band American English. The band was awesome, and the crowd was fun. It had been a long time since I'd been to a carnival, and I was happy to learn that I could still withstand the Tilt a Whirl. We were amused by the prizes offered by one of the games, which featured such items as framed pictures from a time long ago when J.C. was actually the most attractive member of N Sync and Britney Spears was not a whore. If there ever was a time. . . My favorite shirt spotting of the night was a lad in a shirt that said, "Be Glad I'm Not Your Kid." As I would have had to have given birth to the chap when I was around the age of 10, I was indeed glad he was not my kid. Adios!

A Night at S2X: A Guest Entry by Angie

A couple weekends ago, reader Angie of Joliet invited me to accompany her and some friends to the hamlet of Coal City for Jello Wrestling Night at S2X. Unfortunately I was already going to Naperville that night, but I asked Angie to write up a recap of her adventures. Here's Angie's tale.

So, I had some time today and I decided to fill you in on my Coal City experience. Oh, what a weird, wonderful night. hahaha...The drive to Club S2X (not to be confused with sex) was an interesting. Note from Emily: Club S2X is also not to be confused with "The Brickhouse" or "Batta Boom's," its previous names. Any place where the directions say to "turn onto the darkest side street and go over the railroad tracks" promises an interesting night. Anyway, we got to the bar around 11. I've decided that going to S2X is lot like a high school party in a basement of a house with a small wood bar erected in the corner. The place is really big, but it definitely has that "my parents' basement" charm. There's even an elegant front door leading to a back supply room. Amanda and I got there and decided that we needed a drink to help ease the experience that was Coal City. We headed to the bar and received no less than 17 catcalls and hollas. Note from Emily: Was the word "holla" actually uttered, and was a calculator in use to tally this number? Seems that we were a minority... girls under the age of 30.

After scoring some drinks we headed to the back of the bar and found our friend Matt who bounces there. We sat and talked to him for a minute until he had to run and break up some sort of civil dispute: two men fighting over whose beer it was on the table. Man, they're hardcore down in the CC. Note from Emily: At any time in the evening, did anyone utter the words, "This is how we do it in the CC, bitch?" We headed over to the edge of the dance floor to experience what was being called "Jell-o Night". We got there just in time for the "Put Your Weiner in Jell-o" contest. This consisted of girls tying string around their waists with a hot dog swinging at the other end, between their legs. While standing with your hands behind your back, you had to drop the hotdog into the cherry Jell-O below. (Keep that mind out of the gutter...)

After trying to watch through a solid wall of 30-something year old men and above, we decided to head to the second bar for another round. This is where we met Orange Shirt Man and Old Drunkard. OSM was part of a larger crowd who all mysteriously had the last name. When I inquired about the connection, they said, "We're all cousins. It's like family night!" I politely laughed and turned to order the drinks. After a few minutes of polite conversation, the cousins headed out, but OSM lingered and cornered Amanda against the bar. Trying to occupy myself while they talked, I made friends with OD (B?) who was sitting next to me. He gave me the travel cup, pen and bumper sticker he won in a previous Jell-O contest that happened before we arrived. Note from Emily: Did he also have to drop a hot dog into Jell-O?He seemed harmless enough until he started inching closer and the hands got a mind of their own. Anyway, after warding him off for a while, he decided he had to go to the bathroom. He got up and staggered away. That was when I noticed he left his $97 in change on the counter. Being the painfully honest person I am, I waited for him to get back and babysat his change. Then Mander and I finally headed away.

Right about here is when they started the Jell-O Wrestling in a giant kiddie pool set up on a small stage. We watched about 3 rounds, getting tired of the spectacle quickly. It consisted of two girls stripped down to their bras and unmentionables and dancing. No real wrestling took place until a saucy red head named Michelle (or something like that) arrived on the scene. While the other girl was trying to dance sexily (is that a word?) (Note from Emily: yes), she plowed into the other girl, slamming her to the ground. This match was short lived, being called off by the judges. Apparently they only wanted dancing, no actual wrestling. We tried to walk away, only to find that the guys who were on chairs to see the match were looking down everyone's shirts that walked past. So there were a lot of other eventful things that happened but this story is already long enough. I met a man who told me about being in jail, his two babies' mommas and how is naming his next child Nevaeh. (heaven backwards). Note from Emily: Were the other kids named Lleh and Yrotagrup? Ironically enough, he was one of the cousins we had met earlier.

Angie, I'm going to have to join you on your next trip to "Club S2X." As my only trip to Coal City involved McDonald's, it's time to check out the hot spots.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

In the News

Here's my latest column. Expect a full update tomorrow, including Whiskey Tango reader Angie's account of her night in Coal City!

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