Friday, March 04, 2005

Don't Take the Girl

Still on the country kick, of course. I managed to hear "Don't Take the Girl" not once, but twice yesterday. I was happy, as it's one of my favorites, but two burning questions about this song: 1. Do people usually get held up in movie theaters by strangers that come and pull a gun? I'm amusing this song is set in the South somewhere, not Compton. 2. Does she die at the end? I'd like to believe that the God of "Don't Take the Girl" is a benevolent God and lets them both live, but Tim McGraw could be one sick son of a gun. If Tim and I ever sit down for a cup of Joe, I will ask him these burning questions, along with what the hell is up with "Indian Outlaw." I heard it for the first time today, and. . .no. Also on the Tim tip: thanks to reader "Dirty Rog" for hooking me up with an mp3 of "Way Back When." I haven't had a chance to listen to it yet, but I can't wait. Also recently heard on the country stations:
1. A Clint Black remake of "Desperado." This song always reminds me of JCA masses and the episode of Seinfeld where "Desperado" is Elaine's boyfriend's song, and she wants their song to be "Witchy (Witchay) Woman."
2. "If Heaven" by Andy Griggs contains one of the nastiest lines ever: "If heaven was a pie it would be cherry/Cool and sweet and heavy on your tongue/And just one bite would satisfy your hunger/And there always be enough for everyone."
3. "Ten Rounds with Jose Cuervo" by Tracy Byrd is fabulous. Between that one, "Drinkin' Bone" and "Watermelon Crawl" (also sung with my pal Jack the other day), Tracy Byrd is awesome.
4. I LOVE Neal McCoy's "The Shake." Apparently I need to get my ass to a country bar to dance to this one.

It seems that most of country music subscribes to five themes. Theme one: romance, love, relationships, etc. Two: How awesome the singer's town is. Three: church and Sundays. Four: Drinking. Five: Back when. It's hilarious.

Ok, on to other topics so I don't alienate the non-country music lovers. So last night a bunch of us went to Sapphire, as we heard they have ladies'nights on Thursdays with no cover and $3 drinks. Things seemed odd at first when we pulled up and noticed no valets were working, and we were right: I would not call it "Ladies' Night," I would call it "No One's Night," as the place was deserted. Eventually more people came, and we still had an awesome time, but we were confused. Thursday is a huge bar night, Sapphire is packed on weekends (when they have cover and regular priced drinks), and they have no cover and $3 martinis on Thursdays. This does not compute. Apparently I need to start putting up fliers around town to attract crowds. In recent months I've rarely gone out on Thursdays, yet every time I do, there isn't much of a crowd. It must be the "Dead till St. Patrick's Day" deal that bartender Brad of Jameson's/Sapphire fame told us about. Anyway, we got to sit in a booth, so I got to feel Lindsay Lohan VIP (but not VIP enough to go upstairs, apparently they're too busy putting in beds up there to let people in). The music was great, and we danced a lot. Melanie was approached by a Bill Cosby lookalike on the dancefloor, but she didn't want any pudding pops. We also tried to solve the mystery of an Anthony Fedorov lookalike who had some odd glasses on. We couldn't tell if they were regulation spectacles or some Elton John specials put on purely for show. Anyway, a good night, hopefully they get more people on Thursdays soon. I think that's about it for now, enjoy your weekends everyone, and for more entertainment, check out the debate in the comments under the last post about what celebrities personify our local bars!

A quick note: Reader "Jack's mom" clued me in to another song with entertaining lyrics, LeAnn Rimes' "Nothin' Bout Love Makes Sense." Among the highlights: "Nothin' bout love can make an equation nothin' short of amazing," (I love math in song, and Shannon, it reminds me of the Ireland version of "Rock Your Body"), and "Like the lights of Las Vegas going out on the sand, a jumbo shrimp or a baby grand." Mmmm shrimp. I'm glad it's Friday. Adios!!!!

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Gone Country

I think I've set Whiskey Tango comment posting records with my latest post. Little did I know that talking about country music would spark so much discussion! I've been continuing listening to 98.3 and 99.5, and it's just way too entertaining. I was lucky enough to hear "Drugs or Jesus" again yesterday (my other favorite part is "Everybody just wants to get high, sit and watch a perfect world go by"), have had the chance to "enjoy" Craig Morgan's "That's What I Love About Sunday" a couple times (that one is just awful), and learned that former child country singer Billy Gilman (who used to scare the crap out of Shannon and I)is apparently soon to be 17, experienced musical difficulty when his voice changed, and has a new album coming out soon. I was also very excited to get to hear Rascal Flatts' "Mayberry" yesterday; my good buddy and former Herald News "G-Rated" reviewer Jack got me hooked on that one. However, all these discoveries pale in comparison to the knowledge bestowed upon me by one of my Whiskey Tango readers: the existence of Tim McGraw's song "Back When." I have yet to hear this song, and it's not on ITunes unfortunately, but the lyrics are amazing. Highlights are in bold:

Don't you remember
The fizz in a pepper
Peanuts in a bottle
At ten, two and four
A fried bologna sandwich
With mayo and tomato
Sittin' round the table
Don't happen much anymore

We got too complicated
It's all way over-rated
I like the old and out-dated
Way of life

Back when a hoe was a hoe
Coke was a coke
And crack's what you were doing
When you were cracking jokes
Back when a screw was a screw
The wind was all that blew
And when you said I'm down with that
Well it meant you had the flu

I miss back when
I miss back when
I miss back when

I love my records
Black, shiny vinyl
Clicks and pops
And white noise
Man they sounded fine
I had my favorite stations
The ones that played them all
Country, soul and rock-and-roll
What happened to those times?

I'm readin' Street Slang For Dummies
Cause they put pop in my country
I want more for my money
The way it was back then

Repeat Chorus

Give me a flat top for strumming
I want the whole world to be humming
Just keep it coming
The way it was back then

Repeat Chorus

I can't say that I remember peanuts in a bottle OR the fried bologna sandwiches (there are few things nastier than bologna), but dude, this song is hilarious. Can someone tell me if it's a fast song or a ballad? I need to be prepared for when it comes on the radio.

In other country news, why do I hardly ever hear any Garth on the radio? I heard "The Thunder Rolls" yesterday, but that's about it. Is it because he cheated on his wife with Trisha Yearwood, or payback for the whole Chris Gaines incident? I was listening to Garth's greatest hits album a few weeks ago, and apparently I'd never listened to the lyrics to "That Summer" too closely before, because it's NASTY. The scenario: a teenage boy goes to work for a horny widow and they get it on. This one's almost as bad as "Young Girl"! Some highlights: "When I told her that I'd never,
she softly whispered, 'That's all right.' And then I watched her hands of leather
Turn to velvet in a touch." However, the most horrible part is a line from the chorus: "She had a need to feel the thunder!" Dude, aren't you being a bit presumptous about your sex skills and/or size?

Anyway, that's all my country news for today. However, I was checking the statistics for how people found my website, and I found some amusing things. Apparently there's a link to my website on a webpage about Ghetto Booty contests, and I also found that someone found my website doing a search for "beansnappers." I did a search for "beansnappers" and it led to me a list of some porn sites. What the hell is a beansnapper? I looked to see why I had written about "Beansnappers," and apparently way back in the day I had referenced some club with that name in Milwaukee where America's Loverboys had performed. Who knew? As usual, more news later!

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Drugs or Jesus

So lately I've decided I need to expand my music horizons. Friends and neighbors that I usually consider to have good musical taste are into country music. I've always loved Garth, and I went through that "I love sappy songs about people dying and living life" phase that every senior at JCA goes through after Kairos, which made me enjoy a lot of Tim McGraw. I've always had a weakness for "I Hope You Dance" and others of its type. I've also heard some recent country songs on 99.9 that I've liked, including Tim McGraw's "Skydiving" and some Keith Urban song about taking your cat and leaving your sweater, so I decided to try listening to country radio for a few days. Overall this hasn't been a bad decision, WCCQ plays a lot of older songs that I know and I've heard some good newer ones on US99 (one song that I really like I found out is sung by American Idol loser Josh Gracin. Argh.). However, last night I heard the worst country song ever: "Drugs or Jesus" by Tim McGraw. The hell? Tim, how the mighty have fallen. "Don't Take the Girl" was awesome, and then you sing "Drugs or Jesus?" I wasn't even aware that it was that clear cut of a decision.

In other news, Sheer Secrets, the lingerie shop on Route 30, has a sign out front on which someone PROPOSED to his girlfriend. Romantic, eh? I wonder if they met at the shop. . . "When our hands met over the crotchless panties, I knew it was love."

Monday, February 28, 2005

The Best Port-A-Potty Ever! Posted by Hello

Kelly's birthday: When Joliet goes goth. Posted by Hello

The Freaks Come Out at Night

Again, this song is NOT on the radio, but it's appropriate for this post. On Saturday, we headed to Chicago to celebrate Kelly's birthday. Kelly had suggested something a little different for the big 25. . . a goth club in Lincoln Park called Neo. Seeing as I am the polar opposite of goth (I wear more cable-knit than capes), I was very entertained at this idea and eager to check it out. I figured the people watching had to be outstanding. So we headed up to Chicago and pre-gamed at Kelly's place for a while. Everyone tried to get in the mood by wearing black (except for Kelly's friend Shane, clad in an all red ensemble) though I think only Kelly and Brian managed full-on goth look. We took a picture of the group and the all black gathering kind of looked for an ad for One Tree Hill or some other teen drama. So after a mishap with a bus (CTA: when people are standing under the bus stop sign, that means they want to ride) that led some interesting cab rides (in Kelly's, Kelly made an impassioned plea to CTA, complete with fake tears, over the phone about poor college kids who can't afford taxis; in my cab, we jammed to Love FM), we got to the club. We walked down the dark alley to Neo and entered to find a large black room with an interesting mix of people. I saw a guy in a french blue dress shirt (I didn't think those were allowed), a guy who could have passed for a lost Nelson brother, and some people who were more standard goth. We headed to the bar, and Nancy and I were delighted to see they had Woodchuck. Also available were $2 PBR drafts. I did not partake, but Kelly did and was pleasantly surprised to find that what was supposedly to be $2 PBR ended up being Blue Moon, quite a steal. Other PBR drinkers did not get so lucky. We ended up sitting in a lounge type area in one corner of the club, perfect for watching the ever growing amount of Neo patrons, including a man in a cowboy hat(again, are those allowed?). After a little bit Kelly, Melanie and I went out to dance. The music was kind of techno-industrial, but they threw in some 80's stuff as well. The styles of dance on the floor were quite varied; some danced like at a typical bar or club, one man danced somewhat like a Charlie Brown character, and others were bending and stretching like taffy, including a man in pinstriped pants and a guy with black pants that laced up the sides, revealing some unnecessary thigh. It was pretty dark in there so I couldn't always see everyone that was coming in, and much to my chagrin, I did not see any vampires or people with fangs. Everyone kept telling me that those people come later. Alas, it was not to be, as Melanie and I left pretty early, but I'll have to ask everyone else if there were any fang sightings. After a trip to the bathroom, where Nance and I encountered someone talking about her industrial-strength bra, Mel and I headed back to Kelly's to get the car. The fun of the evening was not to end there; on the way out of Kelly's parking lot we saw the BEST PORT-A-POTTY EVER. Pictures will follow. Overall notes on the evening: Neo was a lot of fun and not as intimidating as I expected, with the added bonus of Woodchucks. Kelly, have a lovely birthday tomorrow! More news later.

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