So Joliet It Hurts
Lots of stories for you today. In this morning's Herald News Open Line I found the following gem:
. . .I was recently sitting in a bank drive-through, and the person in the car next to me had their son, who was probably 8 to 10 years old, get out and pee right in the lane where you drive your car. Talk about rude. I almost called the cops
I'm trying to decide what's more disturbing: The act of "urine trouble" itself, or the fact that the Herald News printed the word
pee, which has to be my Mom's least favorite word. Either way it's pretty amusing, and I wonder why the angry caller didn't just contact one of the bank employees and "teller about it."
Thursday: We went to Gippers. Haha, just kidding, Heroes. It was another night of pseudo celebrities, as Christina Aguilera's braided twin was in the beer garden and Faux Woody Allen hung out at the bar. Rather than the usual DJ, a band,
Maggie Speaks played tonight. They were pretty good and played the typical bar band covers, with a notable exception: they played Journey. The song was "Any Way You Want It," and you can bet your sweet muffin ass I hit the dance floor for that one. The beer garden was holding another special event sponsored by Old Style: they filmed people saying what they'd do if the Cubs won the pennant, and the person with the most outrageous answer won a vintage Cubs jersey. Runners up won XXL Old Style tees (Megan and I have joint custody of one, Melanie pawned hers off on a friend who planned to give hers to her grandpa). The winning answer was (sorry for any youths reading this): "I'd dig up Harry Caray, and I'd blow him." I think that one would be difficult to top. The other entertaining event of the evening was Rob's friend Mike getting hit on by a girl who was drinking wine. At Heroes. Now what's that about? Who drinks wine at Heroes? Somehow I think any place in which the beer selection eclipses the wine selection would not be the optimum spot for a glass of Zinfandel (or whatever Franzia wine she was drinking). Hey, perhaps it was a
Firestone Wine. The wannabe Carrie Bradshaw seemed a little shaky with her beverage of choice, and luckily Rob saved Mike before any spillage occurred.
Friday night was yet another Jackhammer game. Melanie, Courtney, Megan and I headed out to see the Jackhammers play Winnipeg, but alas the game was rained out, but not before a number of entertaining events occurred.
1. The dancing couple: When it started raining, everyone headed up out of their seats to get cover, except for a few people, including. . .
The Dancing Couple. Yes they like pina coladas, and gettin' caught in the rain. The Dancing Couple consisted of a man who resembled Mr. Sewell from JCA and wore a black leather newsboy cap, and his lady love, who wore a leather jacket over a tie dyed cropped top, the elastic bottom of which ended just high enough to reveal a paunchy, stretch marked tummy. They danced left and right through the rows, up and down the stairs, singing to each other and stopping occasionally for some awkward kisses. The Dancing Couple drew many a spectator, and soon the crowd was abuzz with awed onlookers. One such onlooker, an adolescent boy, stood behind me and said, "They're dancing." I turned and said, "Yeah, isn't it awesome?" His reply: "Not for me. I'm their son."
2. The onions: You may recall an earlier entry in which Melanie and Justin had an encounter with a man taking onions from the dispenser with his bare hands. Not to fear: this week, Melanie noticed a sign had been added advising onion fans to use spoons to get their condiments.
3. Blue Jammer: I finally saw firsthand the effects of Blue Jammer: We saw a girl whose mouth was so artfully stained with Jammer that it came up to points at the ends, resembling the Joker.
4. The Divas: After the first rain delay, many gamegoers headed home, which left some open seats near us. They were quickly filled with a group of Girl Scouts from Morris who were called the Divas. Maybe they added Diva between Brownie and Girl Scout, I'm not sure. They were very entertaining and we discussed horror movies with them for awhile.
5. Guns and Hoses: When leaving the stadium, we saw a sign for the upcoming firemen versus policemen baseball game, which held the (phallic) title of "Guns and Hoses." When deciding who to root for, it was mentioned that Hoses may be the better bet because they always shoot a steady stream, while guns may shoot blanks.
After the second rain delay, we decided to cut our losses and head to
McBrody's. Check out their extensive martini menu: my favorite name is the "Loose Lawyer." Legal Larry, is that you? We sat for a while and eventually Murphy joined us, and a bit later the Jackhammers showed up after the game was called off. We went to the back of the bar and mingled with the team, and by the end of the night we'd chatted with the majority of the pitching roster and some others. Many people at McBrody's were into the fad of wearing their sunglasses at night, including Melanie after she found a cute pair that someone left in a booth. Besides the Jackhammers, we chatted with some former high school classmates, including a particularly inebriated one who smelled like Hot Dog Burp. Hot Dog Burp, you ask? The hot dog burp smell can be defined as such: a combination of, obviously, the smell of a burp after eating a hot dog, and the smell of those peppers they put on nachos at ball parks and movie theaters. Believe me, you know it when you smell it.
Saturday night we went to see Finding Nemo (my new favorite) and then to Melrose Cafe. I have to say, it looks nothing like the old Family Table; the walls are lighter, so it looks a lot bigger, and they have flat screen TV's (?!) on the walls. Foodwise, I thought my BLT could have been lighter on the mayo, Rob thought the chili could have been lighter on the onions, and Courtney liked her California club and soup, but the split decision on entrees was eclipsed by the FREE CANDY. I did not see jelly beans, but they had a ton of Tootsie Rolls, caramels, and Dum Dum pops, so I was thrilled to the gills.
Sunday I went to St. Joe's Park with Court, Rob, and Megan for the St. Joe's Parish Picnic. If you haven't been to Joliet and would like to get a good primer on our fair city, check out St. Joe's Park in the summer on a Sunday: the description I would give is "So Joliet it hurts." You have all your Slovenian favorites: smokies, sauerkraut, poticas, and also cotton candy, cheap beer and (boxed) wine, Bingo, polka bands, and more muscle tees than you can shake a stick at. We played Bingo for a while but were unsuccessful in our attempts; I also failed at the "Win Apple Schnapps" game. There were other types of liquor you could win at that game, but Apple Schnapps stood out the most. Other games had prizes included floral arrangements and scary ass clown dolls, needless to say we didn't try our luck. The polka band was a lot of fun and we had a great time watching senior citizens do the Chicken Dance. We saw the fireworks (ooooooh. . .ahhhhh) and watched another cover band. I don't know what band this was, but they sang TWO Journey songs: "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" and "Lovin,' Touchin,' Squeezin." That's all the news to report here, though I was watching "Clueless" tonight for a bit and was amused by a suggestion that Cher makes to Tai while they're at the Valley Party: "Let's make a lap before we commit to any particular location." Ah, how life imitates art. As the guy hosting the Old Style event at Heroes said the other night, I'm going to make like a baby and head out.
