Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Your Cheatin' Heart

Fall's here with a vengeance. I've finally started wearing closed toe shoes, which is a big breakdown for me because I wear sandals as long as possible. What this means for J-town fashion is less tanks and swolleys, but more Nascar jackets. The Herald has had a few good scoops today. The Pulse had an interesting tidbit about some teen "environmentalists":


We've heard of tree hugging, but tree kissing?
A resident near a Lockport cemetery on Washington Street noticed kids hanging out by some trees. She called police and told them the youngsters seemed to be spray painting the trees.
According to the log, the kids told police they were kissing the trees. They were told to stop "regardless of their affection for vegetation."

Although Kelly and I were thinking of starting up our mythical high school band Gargamel again, we might need to change the name to Arborotica. And in the Blotter:

Man steals floor screen from local Goodwill store

JOLIET — A man in blue with an apparent abundance of bad will cursed a Goodwill store employee as he made off with a floor screen Saturday.
The thief, described as a white man wearing a blue T-shirt and blue shorts, went into the 3084 Hennepin Drive Goodwill through the back door about 1:45 p.m. Saturday. On his way out with a $30 floor screen, a 27-year-old employee approached him.
The crook cursed the woman, police said, and then left the store. He proceeded to place the floor screen in his maroon Toyota Tacoma pickup truck and drove off.

I wonder what kind of curse he used. Did he use a magic wand? Did she turn into a pig? I can just imagine the Herald News writeup of an ice cream truck heist: "Some bad humored teens took off with $20 worth of Bomb Pops and Screwballs when they broke into a Good Humor ice cream truck Saturday. . ." There was also a Blotter entry yesterday that I couldn't find on the Herald News website (conspiracy?) regarding a man who "peeled away" with stolen shrimp from an area grocery store. I wonder if the police "cocktailed" him to his residence.

Friday night's plan to go to the JCA game was foiled by the weather, so after dinner at Merichka's (during which I fell out of my chair laughing, no major injuries though), we called it a night. Saturday I did a little shopping at Tarjay and our local mall before heading out to Fox Valley with Rob, Courtney and Mike to do. . .more shopping. I'm very excited that we're getting a Hollister at Fox Valley, but the number of faux purse stands at that mall is a bit troubling. Like I've said in the past, I'm all for the fakes, I have a "Louis Fauxton" and a "Goach," but these things were sad, sad, overpriced facsimiles of the real thing that barely resembled the expensive real versions. For shame. We ate dinner at Pizzeria Uno and headed back to Courtney's to play pool and watch some TV. To our joy, Cheaters was on. For those of you who don't know, Cheaters is one of the best syndicated trashy reality shows ever. Basically one member of a couple suspects the other of infidelities, and enlists the expertise of the "Cheaters" team to run surveillance. The crew tails the alleged perpetrator, shows the person being cheated on what they found, and together they confront the cheater in the heated "confrontation" portion of the program. These people are usually the whiskiest of tango, and it's hilarious. The show was originally hosted by tall, dark, and sympathetic Tommy Grand (real name: Tommy Habeeb) but he has since been replaced by short, bespectacled, and belligerent Joey Greco. Saturday's episode was the infamous one in which Joey Greco, while confronting the perpetrator on a boat, gets stabbed by the perp with a fishing knife. It's all quite bloody and graphic, and another new host, Jack E. Jett (no word on if he loves rock 'n'roll is very vague as to Joey's recovery. I'll get back to Cheaters in a little while, but after Cheaters we enjoyed Elimidate and Showtime at the Apollo. The highlight of Showtime for me has always been the Amateur Night portion, in which wannabe stars perform for the Apollo's not always appreciative audience. If a performer is deemed sucky, the audience will boo until a strange clownlike man called the "Sandman" comes out with a broom and sweeps the person offstage. Hilarity ensues. However, Apollo is now hosted by sassy comedian Mo'Nique, and instead of Sandman, a man named "Omar" tap dances the performers offstage, with the catch phrase "Whomp Whomp" involved somewhere in the melee. While not as entertaining as Sandman, we really appreciated when "Omar" got rid of a spoken word performer whose "poetry" included the line, "when you got that rash from the man with the Lexus and the cold hard cash." Good judgment, Apollo, good judgment.

So, back to Cheaters. Before I headed out to a corn maze on Sunday, which will be another entry all in itself coming soon, I decided to do a little research to see how Joey Greco the stabbing victim was doing. I discovered that Joey is apparently recovering/recovered, but rumor has it that the whole situation might have been faked for the cameras. Apparently there wasn't any writeup of the incident in local newspapers, and the idea that Joey would hold a confrontation on a boat seemed unlikely. This rumor was fueled by the fact that former host Tommy Grand alluded to the idea that this stabbing may have not occurred. I went to the source to see what was up, and found Tommy Grand's website. Not only does Tommy have a new show coming soon called "Stag: Last Night of Freedom," in which spouses-to-be can have their fiance's bachelor/bachelorette parties followed, but he also alludes to some problems with Cheaters: "I will soon be posting an update on my court battle to keep my rights to the show. As the website contained a link to "Contact Tommy," I decided to do so with the following email:

Hey Tommy!
I loved you on Cheaters. Joey Greco just doesn't compare to you, and what was with the episode where he got stabbed anyway? I was just writing to find out when your new show Stag will be airing. I can't wait to see it! Also, will you be filming only in Texas or all over the country.
I think you'd find some pretty good stories here in Joliet!

Tommy must take Sundays off, as when I returned from the corn maze, I saw that he'd written back half an hour after I sent my initial email:

Emily, Thank you so much for your note. regarding the stabbing don't believe what you see. My new show will start in different parts of the country this January and yes we will take cases from all over the country. Thanks again and keep in touch, Tommy

Don't you all (or at least anyone who has watched Cheaters) feel that much better just knowing that Tommy Grand is reachable through a few keystrokes? Anyway, like I said before, the corn maze will be coming soon, it was a harrowing experience and I'm lucky to have emerged relatively unscathed. Adios!

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