Whiskey Tango-Tales from Montello

Hey everyone, I'm in vacation in Wisconsin until next Thursday (don't worry, I'll be back for bar night), so look forward to a week of Whiskey Tango-Tales from Montello. There's definitely a lot of "culture" up here, so while updates may not be as frequent (or they could be more frequent if the weather is crappy), they will be filled with high quality stories. Highlights so far: we passed a rest area called "Bong Recreational Area." No, I did not see red-eyed people emerging from "The Bong," but I imagine it's quite a fragrant spot. Also, we used to frequent a restaurant called The Galley when I was younger, a nautical themed establishment with a big sign outside that read "EAT." Word on the street is that "EAT" is now a strip club called "The Fox's Tail," but I haven't seen it for myself yet, so I don't know if there's a sign outside reading "STRIP," or perhaps "BOOBS." I'll be back tomorrow with stories from last night at Heroes. Also, you can look forward to features from our local newspaper, The Marquette County Register. With columns like "The News from Montello Care Center," you can imagine that it's a hard hittin' publication. Adios.

Before I Forget

Swolly (or Swollie), according to "Brad," as told by "Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember" and "Plaid Man": tight sleeveless shirt worn by a guy in order to make his arms look muscular. Have you seen a swolly? Discuss! More later.

News You Can Use

Welcome to this week's edition of News You Can Use!

1. Legal Larry & the Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember: Crazy stuff happens in Coal City. I was sent an interesting article from the Coal City Courant about a man who claimed to be sexually assaulted by a neighbor. The man had invited said neighbor over for drinks when some crazy shenanigans (well, when are shenanigans not crazy?) occurred: "The man told police the neighbor asked to use the bathroom and when he returned he was dressed in nylons and a bra. My questions: did he bring the nylons and bra over to the neighbors? If so, what did he carry them in? A man purse or a "European satchel?" The article goes on, and the story gets more tawdry: "Sometime that evening the complainant reportedly passed out and told police he later awoke to discover his neighbor engaged in oral sex with him." Again with the questions: Why, oh why, did the evening of drinking go on after the bra and nylons incident? Did he drink to forget? Did the man keep the bra and nylons on? How was this explained? If the Coal City Courant ever follows up on this story, I hope I get the scoop.

2.The Coal City Courant: Coal City has a newspaper called the Courant. Who knew? Not I. I don't even know what a courant is. I know that "au courant" means in style or current, but I've had to hop to www.dictionary.com again to get the 411. They gave me two definitions for courant as a noun: "1. A piece of music in triple time; also, a lively dance; a coranto. 2. A circulating gazette of news; a newspaper." Although I'm sure they do the courant at Regi's BattaBoom Night Club in Coal City (especially these three) I assume that they're going for the latter meaning.

3.The Herald News: Stickers can hurt appliances: The Blotter on Saturday told the vengeful tale of a daughter's friend and her stickers:

Sticker intruder
JOLIET — A woman told police she has been plagued by a friend of her daughter who sneaks into her home at night and sabotages her appliances.
The woman told police this friend of her daughter enters her Iowa Avenue home while she is sleeping. The daughter's friend then places stickers on her home appliances so they will not function.

So what's the deal here? Are these smelly stickers? Lisa Frank stickers? And do they have magical powers, besides just smelling like pizza, skunk, etc.? Is the daughter in on this along with Sticker Sabotagin' Sallie? Also, can't she just peel them off?

4.MTV: One of the Kids from Kids Incorporated is now in the Black Eyed Peas. So I'm watching the "Where Is the Love" video by the Black Eyed Peas, and there's this blonde girl singing in it. I think to myself, "She looks like that girl from Kids Incorporated, Stacy. So I do a little research, and I was right. Quite a jump for Stacy; I wonder what happened to Martika?

Today's Herald News' Common Sense features a few Joliet-centered poems by Tim Placher. Check them out, especially my favorite, "9:20 pm at the Maxx," about mothers who take their kids shopping for the "maximum at the minimum" past their bedtimes. I especially love the closing lines "You go and buy your tube top/And some discontinued sheets./Come wake me when you're all checked out./Now, let me get some sleep."

That's all she wrote. Hasta pronto.

Yo, This Is Dylan, You Know the Drill

Another fun quiz for you all. As usual, post your results under comments or on the TagBoard!




What 90210 Character Are You?

Who's In Focus?

I'm In Focus! In case you haven't yet read J-Law's "hot scoop" on the Tag Board, my picture is on the front page of the In Focus section of the Herald News today. It's actually a picture of a lot of people, but Courtney, Melanie and I are among them. You may remember my July 1 entry about the Dancing Couple at that Saturday's Jackhammers game. Well today the Herald has a special picture page (sorry, no Bill Cosby) about Jackhammer rain delays and features a large picture of the Dancing Couple in all their glory, surrounded by amazed onlookers. Courtney, Melanie and I are in the top right corner. I'm the one with the hand in front of my mouth in disbelief. I am thrilled to have this moment in time captured on film, a shout out goes to Robert Sumner for his artistry.

In other news: Friday night, as usual, I recovered from Thursday's antics with a trip to the movies. Courtney and I saw Freaky Friday, and it was a cute movie. There was really nothing noteworthy enough to merit a full review, except that Jamie Lee Curtis didn't frighten me quite as much as usual, and I was creeped out by the teenage boy who seemed to be trying to get with Jamie Lee after she and her daughter swapped bodies, just a little too Ashton Kutcher-Demi Moore to be amusing. That being said, I'd give it about three stars, fine family fun.

Saturday night Melanie and I headed out to the Village O'Shorewood (side note: I was a Shorewood trustee for a day during Youth in Government in 8th grade) for the Shorewood Crossroads Fest. Despite the title, I was sad to see that Bone Thugs N Harmony were not performing. Our time was spent in the beer tent enjoying free beverages (thank you Eric for the tickets, they were put to good use) and watching the band, Five Guys Named Moe. There were some fine Whiskey Tangoers shaking their booties (and in the case of one man in a Hawaiian shirt, smacking his wife's booty) to the sounds of the band. The highlight (or lowlight, if you will) for me was a couple sucking face on the dancefloor. Why so funny? The ponytailed male half of the couple was wearing a Just Do Me shirt. Think Nike's "Just Do It" slogan, only cleverly substituting the "It" for "Me." I don't know if these things are back in vogue or if Spit Swapping Sammie had saved his from 1993 when these things first hit the suburban festival scene. We met up with Courtney, Rob and Mike and headed over to Bedrocks, where we left almost as soon as we entered due to the lack of a lively atmosphere, and went to Grapevine. The atmosphere was not especially thriving there either, but for some reason it's hard to find a good bar on the weekends in Joliet. Suggestions? Let me know.

Sunday night I went over to St. Joe's with Megan and Melanie. It was the St. Ann's Parish Picnic, and the crowd was hopping, but one very important thing was missing: smokies. There were no smokies for sale at Sunday's picnic. I had a hot dog, but it just wasn't the same. However, I did wear my new tee-shirt to the picnic that says "Joe" on the front and "Mamma" on the back, which entertained several elderly men who also claimed to be named Joe. I'm now debating whether to never wear the shirt again or wear it on many occasions, with my choice leaning toward the latter. My favorite observation of the evening came from Melanie as we watched the elderly set get their polka on. We noticed a couple pairs of elderly women dancing in each others arms with solemn expressions, and Melanie commented, "I wonder if that turns the old men on."
That's all for now, I'll be back soon with more "News You Can Use," including my favorite Blotter entry from this weekend.