Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Blotter? I Hardly Know Her!

Note: It is my goal to have Jackhammers shirts made that feature a picture of Jammer. The front would read, "Jammer?" and the back would read "I hardly know her!" If anyone with the means to a silkscreening machine feels the need to steal my idea, give me a heads up and we'll go into business.

Note 2: I added the definition of "swolley" to the Urban Dictionary website.

I haven't watched last night's Chaotic yet, but I'll post highlights later. Anyway, the blotter was back in action today, and over the weekend, there was an amusing story about the Jackhammers first game that featured 2 19 year-old girls who are apparently friends of the Jackhammers. One of the girls is quoted as saying, "They want to be our boyfriends." I found this somewhat sketchy. Ok, the blotter:

Man shot with taser

JOLIET — A local man heading for an early-morning tryst at a West Side motel was set up by his paramour and shocked by a taser-wielding man hiding in the back seat of her sport utility vehicle.The 25-year-old man told police he received a telephone call from a 26-year-old Crest Hill woman who asked him to "meet up" with her at the Comfort Inn at 3235 Norman Ave. about 2 a.m. Monday.
The man headed over to the motel and got a room for himself and the woman. He then went out to the parking lot, where he saw the woman sitting in a Nissan Pathfinder.
The man walked up to the Pathfinder and a man sat up in the back seat and shot him with a taser.
The man refused medical attention.
Police said the woman is about 5-foot-10 and 140 pounds. She has brown hair and was wearing a white T-shirt and torn jeans.
The woman reportedly lives in Crest Hill with the man wielding the taser gun.

I wonder how this whole set up went down. If it was a Super Soaker rather than a Taser, it would sound very Saved by the Bell, if Zach was Taser Tom, Kelly was Torn Jeans Tammy, and Slater was Wants to Get Some Walter. I liked the inclusion of torn jeans in the tawdry tale.

Retail theft

JOLIET — An employee of a store at Westfield Louis Joliet mall thwarted a 13-year-old's attempt to abscond with a package of fake mustaches, police said.
The employee of Gamer's Paradise spotted the Crest Hill teen opening the package of fake mustaches and stuffing the false facial hairin his pocket. The youth then left the store without paying for the mustaches.
Police arrested the teen on a juvenile contact form charging him with retail theft in connection with the incident at 1:45 p.m. Sunday. He was released into the custody of his mother.

Why the hell was he stealing mustaches? Was there some kind of Super Mario Brothers themed costume party going down at Game Stop on Sunday night? Was he heading for a mustache joint? I like the "false facial hair," that's some good alliteration.

Kids on school roof

JOLIET — The principal of Timber Ridge Middle School called the cops on three Plainfield youths playing with tennis balls on the roof of the school Monday.

The principal reportedly told police the youngsters — an 11-year-old and two 12-year-olds — were "on the school roof with tennis balls after school hours" about 4:40 p.m. Monday.

The parents of the children were notified by police of this alleged mischief.

All I can think of is the Will Ferrell "Get off the shed!" skit from SNL. Question: how important were the tennis balls to the crime? Are they not allowed on the school roof either? Again, word choice is great here, I love "alleged mischief." It sounds like something of which Keebler Elves might be accused.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Party in the City Where the Heat Is On

In preparation for my trip next week to Miami Beach(only 9 days away!), Elimidate has been thoughtfully rerunning their "Miami Beach Week" episodes. In search of what clubs I should check out (or more likely, not check out if they're on Elimidate), I've been TIVOing several episodes. I hadn't watched Elimidate on a regular basis on some time, but watching it again reminded me of several important Elimidate observations and lessons:

1. The two most used words on Elimidate are "trashy." and "classy" Besides attempting to pitch woo at their would be suitor, the gals on Elimidate spend copious amounts of time discussing the trashiness of their competitors and how classy they are in comparison. Trashiness comments sometimes kick in immediately if a fellow competitor is an actual whore (quite common), but sometimes the girls hold out and wait to see which competitor attempts to suck face with Don Juan first. Kissing Katie is always immediately subjected to comments such as, "That's so trashy," "A little soon, don't you think?" and "I think I'm a little classier than that." News flash: if you're classy, you're not on Elimidate. 'Nuff said.

2. The people on Elimidate are getting fuglier. When this show first began, as I recall, the people weren't bad looking. However, it seems that they're scraping the bottom of the barrel these days. The girls have always been kind of skanky, but the dudes they're getting on there these days are just icky. They also seem to have taken about 50 Valiums before going on the show. The dudes, who in the majority of the episodes I've watched recently, are personal trainers, seem to be picked mainly for their ability to say things like, "I like to work hard, but at night, I like to get wild" with absolutely no expression whatsoever.

3. To win on Elimidate, you have to be the second skankiest girl. There's always one total skank on each episode. These girls may refer to themselves as "nymphomaniacs," flash the dude on the dance floor, or look like Chapter 11 Paris Hilton. Anyway, these girls rarely ever win (except for the nymphomaniac). To win this show, all you have to do is be less skanky than the skankiest girl, but still make out with the dude at some point. I don't know winning methods for the four guys-one girl episodes, but they seem to be running those much less lately anyway.

Recent adventures. . .Lately I keep seeing the Joliet trolley around town. One day it was on Caterpillar Drive, today it was parked at the defunct Dominicks on Jefferson, with no passengers. The trolley kind of creeps me out because it makes me think of Mr. Rogers and on that show, seeing the trolley meant that we were going into Puppetland. I don't want to go to Puppetland.

Friday night Wendy and I went to the first Jackhammer game of the season. It was as amusing as always. Though we bought lawn seats, we never sat down during the game because the people watching was just too entertaining. Many children had incurred the wrath of the Blue Jammer early on in the game, and speaking of beverages, rumor (and my hairdresser) has it that they have a little coffee bar stand at Silver Cross now. Both Jammer and the Harris Bank Lion were spotted, though not together, so they could be the same person. I had my chicken sandwich (not as good as in the past, alas), and Wendy attempted to get a pretzel, though we had a bit of a Goldilocks moment: the first stand had none, the second had cold ones, and the third stand's pretzels were described by Concession Stand Connie as "lukewarm." A brief stop in the gift shop led to a visit from Jammer (no canoodling!) and some amusement due to the "Jackhammer Tarp Crew" shirt. The back of the shirt features the slogan, "Shut Up and Pull! We get ____ when it gets wet." I don't remember what word is after "get," and I looked at the website, I think it says "hot," but I'm not sure. Either way, a little kinky for the Jackhammers, and they have them in children's sizes! Melanie's brother and cousin continued on in their tradition of doing the sumo wrestling event, and we received a very interesting gift bag courtesy of Jiff Peanut Butter and Smuckers, which featured some sugar free preserves, a jar opener, and. . .a peanut butter spreader. As the spreader was kind of knife like (not sharp or anything, but I bet a jailbird could come up with a way to use it as a weapon), we were a little confused by its inclusion, but it led to some fun jousting.

After the game (well near the end, it was getting cold), we headed to McBrody's. The place was packed, and we ran into many familiar faces, including Legal Larry, several of Wendy's relatives and the majority of the people that were at the game. Also at McBrody's at a "private party" which seemed not too private were a lot of people wearing buttons with various pictures of some guy on them. I finally asked one guy what was up with the buttons, and he told me they were for his friend's birthday, but I could come to the party without a button. I decided it was inappropriate to ask if I could just have the button. I love McBrody's, but I really wish they had more bathrooms. There's a one toilet ladies' room, and another room that has a unisex sign on the door that is usually just used by females, except for on Saturday night. Guys, I assume you have several urinals in your bathroom (though I could be wrong), don't take ours! This includes the tiny wife-beatered man who seemed confused about the bathrooms in general.

We headed to Jameson's after McBrody's, where, yet againk, we saw a lot of people that were at the Jackhammers game. Not too much adventure ensued, though we saw some swollies (of course), and tried to get a dancing man involved in a dance off. However, he seemed confused by the prospect.

Saturday evening I headed out to Morris for my friend Sean's midget car race. No, we didn't go to "Adult Book Store" this time. I'm always entertained by trips to the Speedway, mostly because Sean is treated like a celebrity and had to sign autographs for excited boys and girls. Melanie and I checked out the gift shop, but none of the "Midgets Rule!" shirts quite tickled our fancies. I was looking for a wifebeater style tank in kelly green, but options were limited to a patriotic tie-dyed camisole. Basically Sean needs to start making "Murphy Motorsports" shirts for girls. Anyway, congratulations to Sean on your third place finish! Next time I head there I think I need to get some headphones. The only other amusing note from that evening was that I saw someone wearing one of the "Rock Star Couture" shirts the losing team made on The Apprentice. I couldn't tell if it was bedazzled though.

In other adventures, my mom and I went to Naperville yesterday, where I enjoyed a Jamba Juice and saw something incredible. We went to Ann Taylor Loft, and my mom called me over to a table of sleeveless tees. They looked harmless enough, and then she held one up. The armhole was bigger than my head. Yes, we've found it: the female swolley. It might have been this shirt, I'm not positive. It looks cute on the website, the armholes look fit for human proportions, but believe me, it's a swolley. We got out of there pretty fast.

That's all the news I have for today. Adios!

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