Friday, January 02, 2004

This Just In!

Someone found my website doing a search for "shirtless Doogie Howser pictures." No!!!!!!!!!! What's next, "nude Urkel photos"? AAAAHHH!

New Year, Same Old J-Town

The Herald has been damn entertaining lately. Last weekend's coverage of the Holly Club's annual ball was entitled, "Balls of Holly." I think that headline sounds more like transvestite Christmas porn than a social event. Also odd was an entry in Tuesday's Open Line extra:

Heart Concerns
Is it me, or does it seem like everyone is getting congestive heart failure, just like a few years ago everybody got hysterectomies? I think someone needs to check into it.

Congestive heart failure is apparently the latest trend, right up there with trucker hats, but hysterectomies, much like pleather pants, are SO 2000. And how does this concerned reader propose we "check into it"? Should I approach passersby and ask them if they have "gotten congestive heart failure?" Perhaps this year's health trend will be hemorrhoids.

The Herald started the New Year on an exciting note with one of my favorite police blotter entries ever:

Reindeer games

PLAINFIELD — Someone played reindeer games with holiday decorations on the Wesmere Lakes Drive in Plainfield, according to police reports.
A resident of a house on the 2300 block told Joliet police he noticed early Thursday that his two sets of deer lawn ornaments had been arranged in sexually suggestive poses.
The man wanted a report filed "in case the deer are damaged from spreading their legs," according to reports.

Oh man, too much humor to be had here. I remember years ago the sons of the guy who used to cut my hair got in a little trouble with the police for similar shenanigans. But the best part of all is the "spreading their legs" quote. If any reindeer would be spreading their legs, it would have to be this one. She always seemed like a ho. However, Rudolph could not have been involved in any of the reindeer games.

In other Herald news, the "upscale dance club in downtown Joliet" will now be opening early this year, and it now has a name: The Sapphire Room. I don't like this name, it says nothing about Joliet and reminds me of a club that a character on a nighttime drama would own that would be the show's excuse to feature "hot up and coming bands," i.e. the Peach Pit. However, I would have been very happy if they had named it The Smash Club. I love Uncle Jesse.

So I was sick around Christmas time and have neglected to update over the holidays, so I have lots to tell. I'll get to a Best of 2003 list later, not necessarily today, but now I'll "expound" on stories of more recent social outings and whatnot. Last Saturday took us on a trip to Oak Forest "hot spot" The Wild Olive. How wild was the olive? Well, apparently it's quite hopping on Thursdays, but on Saturdays it's more like The Mild Olive. It wasn't too crowded except for a Lifetime for Women convention on the dance floor, and the music featured a lot of late 90's (not to be confused with Bedrocks, they still have the market cornered on early 90's) tunes like "Oooh Aah Just a Little Bit," "Men in Black," and "Don't Be Cruel" (Bobby Brown version, actually that may have been early 90's). We did some dancing and made the best of it, but the music choices were just not conducive to too much fun (the only Will Smith I will dance to is the Miami song, mostly because I like to sing "Bienvenido a Miami.") I definitely want to check out the Olive again, but next time we'll go on their good night. After returning to Joliet, Megan, Wens and I headed over to Samy's for some more adventure, and found it when two groups of guys who were trying to talk to us almost came to blows. Security broke up the situation, and hopefully no punches were thrown in the parking lot later. It felt like a very bad movie, and I only wish that they could have a had a dance-off to settle the score. I love a good dance-off. Speaking of dancing, there was no JLH! Haven't seen her in a while, maybe she's making I Continue to Know What You Did Last Summer. Also on the dancing topic, I have another new favorite dance song, and it's by Britney Spears. Shocking, I know. It's called "Toxic," and I highly recommend it. 3 best dance songs: Toxic, Milkshake, and Hey Ya. Words to live by. Other adventures included running into a rhythmically challenged high school classmate, Chapstick Boy (he's been more prolific lately), and continuing to covet the really cute t-shirts that the girls who win the "Samy's Girl" dancing on the bar contest win. We did not enter this week, but Megan and I are making it a personal goal to win these shirts at some point. Just think of the joy the joy that I could give my daughter one day (no, I don't have a daughter, we're talking hypothetical) when I pass down a shirt that reads "I'm a Samy's Girl" on the front and "I danced on the bar at Samy's" on the back. That's right up there with prom, college graduation, etc. in terms of milestones.

Sunday, while waiting to meet my sister to see School of Rock again at the Supah Savah Silvah Cinema, I finally reached a conclusion about the Louis Joliet, oh excuse me Westfield Shoppingtown Mall, that perhaps savvier shoppers reached years earlier: the movie theater wing is the armpit of Louis Joliet Mall. Occupants include Orange Julius (decent but seems stuck in the '80's), Gamers Paradise (huh? never been in there, don't really see people in there), the aforementioned Hollywood Shot (check out the Judy Booty pic, it's still up!), Life Uniform (certainly the most thriving business venture in the mall), and the butt end of the Food Court. The smell is a mixture of Karmel Korn (learn to spell!), Sbarro Pizza (drip drip drop there goes a greasegasm), and the lovely alcohol scent from Lee Nails (personally, I've always wanted one of those gold charms dangling from the end of one of my airbrushed acrylics, especially the one that says "Bitch"). Typical shoppers include the "got dropped off by my mom, spent my money at Claire's, time to cruise the food court" seventh graders, families going to see wildly inappropriate movies with screaming toddlers in tow, and the guy that wears the "Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Fords" shirt. Needless to say I vastly prefer the Food, Wet Seal and Lids triple threat, the Express-Aero-Spencers-Scary Doll Stand death march to Sears, Creamo-American Eagle Plaza, and even the nothing really good except maybe sometimes Anchor Blue and that's pushing it branch of the mall to the aforementioned armpit. My advice to all those who are tempted to enter Da Pit to catch a film: wait 2 more weeks till it hits DVD (and sometimes it's simultaneously on DVD AND at the theater) and go do something else.

Tuesday night Courtney and I had magazine and worst drinks ever (Caramel Apple Cider that tasted like hot butter) night at Barnes and Noble, during which Courtney heard the official "Best Overheard Line of 2003." The winner of this award for 2002, may I add, was when I overheard a Hooters waitress tell another employee, "It smells like fish in here." The 2003 winner was a fellow B&N cafe customer who told his friends, "No, it's only when I drink hard liquor that I get violent." Beer good, Bacardi bad.

Wednesday night was New Year's Eve. Now, I'm going to reveal a little something about myself that may shock you. I don't like New Year's Eve. But Emily, you say, you're always out on the town. Yes, this is true, and it's precisely why I don't like New Year's Eve. Some call it Amateur Night, and I agree. I have a great time almost every time I go out, so I don't see why we make such a big deal out of one night of the year, which tends to be the night that all the people who usually stay home go out. I just think it's a lot of pressure to have an amazing night that's unnecessary. Let's have a quick look at some New Year's Eves of the past. I'm not saying I've never had fun on New Year's Eve, I've just never had the kind of New Year's Eve that's lived up to all the unnecessary hype.

12/31/97: My friend was grounded, so the only thing he was allowed to do was have people over. The night consisted of 4 or 5 guys and I sitting around watching the Usual Suspects until the tape stopped working. Fun!

12/31/98: A trip to a party with Shannon, Melissa, and Murphy that ended up being a Service Merchandise employee party in which moonshine was served. Highlight: being hit on by a Service Merchandise manager who asked me to dance to Garth Brooks and attempted to woo me by saying, "You look like you're 15." Eeww.

12/31/99: Shannon, Leslie and I go to a Cemeno's New Year's Eve party in a basement with lots of glow sticks. I have too many tequila shots and bow to the porcelain god at Steak N Shake. Again, eeww, and maybe TMI, but it illustrates my point.

12/31/00: Chicago with boyfriend at the time and his friends. Dinner at an Italian restaurant, where we befriend a large group of gay men, who are eating before going to a leather bar (they compliment me on my pleather pants and ask us to join them, we decline), then we go to Second City. Fun night, but it was my first New Year's Eve being legal, and I was the only one old enough to drink, so that kind of sucked.

12/31/01: Big group of us (including a guy who doesn't wear a coat. . .to Chicago. . .in the dead of winter) go to Chicago to bar hop with my college roommate. Bar hopping is impeded by the fact that most bars have private parties going on that you have to pay big covers to get into. We end up at a neighborhood bar with no cover, where we drink and do little else because there aren't a whole lot of people there. Highlight: we do shots, and Melissa hands me a shot. I assume it's one of the shots that we had purchased and I drink it. Later I find out that it was a "Mystery Shot" that Melissa found sitting on a windowsill. Again, eeww.

12/31/02: A group of us head to Walter Payton's Roundhouse in scenic Aurora. This was actually a very good time at the time, big dance floor, lots of people, good music. However, I end up spending the majority of the evening with Greg, a guy who seemed cool at the time. We chat on the phone a few times after New Year's Eve, and one night Melanie and I meet him and his friends out in Naperville. That evening, in an attempt to flirt, he growls at me. We rename him "Grrrrrrreggg" and I am scared. I decide it's best to not talk to "Grrrrregggg" anymore.

And that brings us to this year. We talked about various options but nothing was really sounding too good, so I decided to throw a last minute party for my friends and I. I'd have to say this was my favorite New Year's. We drank, played pool, did karaoke, and had an awesome, relaxing time. One of the more amusing moments will be included in the upcoming "Best of 2003" list.

After a day of recovery and doing nothing, we decided to do a Thursday as usual. After being informed that Samy's was closed (how dare they!), Wens and I met Melanie and Megan at Heroes. We stayed for a little while, enjoying complimentary beverages from a generous bargoer who bought everyone in the bar a beer, but there wasn't a whole lot of entertainment going on, except for seeing a guy in snakeskin shoes/boots (shoots?) and maybe the bald guy who sometimes writes columns on Sundays in the Herald News (couldn't be too sure, didn't want to ask in case it was another bald guy). Oh, there was one exciting development: I found out (maybe this is old news to some of you, but I didn't know) from a fellow JCA alum that the term for the, shall we say, most promiscuous girls in Joliet is the "Joliet Meat Locker." Hilarious. Naturally there is no accompanying term for Joliet's sluttiest men, so I'm going to call it the "Joliet Manwhoredrobe." Megan and Melanie went home, and Wendy and I headed on to Grapevine. There was a large population (aka two people) wearing trucker hats, so I was immediately put off. I just don't like trucker hats. Unless you're an actual trucker, then it's acceptable. And while I'm sure actual truckers do hang out at the Grapevine (it's very close in proximity to the Truck Stop), these were faux truckers (or perhaps f*ckers?) However, there was also a table where a trio of extremely hot (well, one was not as hot as the others, but that's how it goes) guys were sitting that piqued my interest. After quite a while, they called us over. What follows sounds like a joke: "A commercial extra, a professional wakeboarder, and a gynecologist walk into a bar. . ." Yes, these were their actual professions (unless they had been spending the previous part of the evening concocting an evil plot and that's why they hadn't started talking to us until now. . .well, they seemed pretty knowledgeable about their professions). The gynecologist (he chose the profession because his uncle is also a gynecologist. His other uncle works in porn. Again, this is sounding made up) talked a little too much about his job, which wasn't too attractive. I was also amused by the wannabe actor's credits: apparently he's "shopping" in the store during the latest Legend of Zelda commercial, and is also an extra in a video game. I suggested that the best way for him to kickstart his career was to try to get on a reality show, and he seemed agreeable with that. We chatted for a while but soon George the owner popped up (in a newsboy hat!) quoting Semisonic, "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here," so we bid the boys (who, as conversation continued, were seeming like they could be part of the manwhoredrobe if only they were Joliet residents) adieu and headed home.

Ok, that was a long one. I will be back soon, perhaps over the weekend, with my Best of 2003 list. Adios!

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