Friday, August 05, 2005

Thursday Night's All Right For Fighting

So last night was hilarious. But first, a couple blotters:

Medical device stolen
JOLIET — Staff at a West Side urologist's office discovered Wednesday that a hand-held bladder screening device was stolen.
A representative of Advanced Urology Associates at 812 Campus Drive reported to police Wednesday that the $890 machine had been stolen, likely around July 19.
The machine is quite small and both patients and staff had opportunity to take it, police said.

They may have had the opportunity, but did they have the desire? I assume the thief planned to try to sell it to Remco or something rather than use it at home.

Woman threatening tattoo parlor
JOLIET — A woman angry at a delay in getting her nose pierced has been harassing and threatening the employees of a tattoo parlor, police said.
The woman has repeatedly called Wolf's Fine Line Tattoo since a July 30 visit to the 1117 Plainfield Road body art parlor, police said.
The woman stopped in on that day to get her nose pierced but was told the procedure could not be performed until 9:15 p.m., police said. She reportedly "became agitated" and left the establishment.
She since has been calling the tattoo parlor and making threats, police said.
The woman may have been wearing a Wendy's uniform when she stopped by at the end of July to get her nose pierced, police said.

I'm really glad to get that crucial info about the Wendy's uniform. Now all I can picture is Dave Thomas's redheaded cartoon daughter with a nose ring.

So, last night we went to Jameson's, my favorite Thursday night hotspot. There was drinking, dancing, chats about the current condition of Taylor Street (I fear for Linda's Pizza), and the usual mockery. There was also fighting, but I'll get to that in a second. It was a night of a thousand stars: Legal Larry made a brief appearance, I ran into Fivetone Jerry (who later on was shaking his groove thang on the dance floor), and at the end of the evening, there was even a cameo appearance by Al, the former "Bouncer on a Box" from Samy's. As usual, there was a strange encounter with a random stranger, this time an older softball playing gent who felt the need to adjust my skirt, which kept twisting around, not once but twice. I would have protested but I was so shocked and amused by what was occurring that I couldn't get up the strength. The music was decent, and improved when the DJ finally got over his need to play everything Gwen Stefani had ever recorded. I love Gwen, but not that much at once. But all adventures pale in comparison to The Fight.

We were hanging around when all of a sudden, bar patrons, mostly males, started beating a hasty retreat outside. Having a flashback to Troy Junior high fight mentality, in which you could find a fight by following throngs down hallways, I followed, of course, but didn't see anything and walked back in. Then suddenly there was the biggest fight I've ever seen outside. It seemed like a million dudes were involved. Local statistician Wendy estimated about 30. I was reminded of the big ass fight from Anchorman, only without the bizarre weapons. It would have been awesome if Ben Stiller had popped in and yelled, "Como estas, bitches!" The highlight for me was when a girl tried to get involved and wiped out on her platforms. The way that guys get involved in fights just cracks me up, it's as if they smell the testosterone and feel the need to join in immediately. Diane and I had a good time doing commentary on the fight from the beer garden, which unfortunately took on the aroma of armpits after a while. I think the only thing that would have made the scene more surreal would have been a soundtrack of the music from Platoon or something. Actually, at one point the song playing inside was the "Push me, and then just touch me, so I can get my satisfaction" song, so that was probably pretty appropriate. Eventually la policia arrived and the bar got shut down. We hung out out front for a while and chatted with other rubberneckers before heading over to Larsen's for a slightly less bellicose experience. I love the laidback vibe of Larsen's, and mostly I like the fact that I can sit in that window seat area and sing along to Journey without mockery. It's always nice to end an evening with an impromptu performance of "When the lights go down in the cit-ay." Note: Britney and K-Feds danced to that for their first song at their wedding. Thanks for stealing my song, skanks. Note: there were no chicks doing their hair in the bathroom last night, and for this I am pleased. Unfortunately The Fight was not in the blotter today, but I have high hopes for tomorrow. One final fun thing: check out this story. I've never liked Creed, so I thought it was hilarious.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

More News Briefs

1. So the Herald News informs me today that when Heroes goes away, we're getting an Applebee's in its place. As usual: Oh hell no. This better mean that we're getting rid of the other Applebee's, because I really don't think we need two. I like chicken fingers and all, but not necessary. Could we maybe get a closer B-Dub's instead? My brother's response to the situation: "They really want to make sure that Adrianne Curry has employment."

2. My dad just informed me that he purchased a bottle of Hpnotiq and is excited about trying out the recipes on the bottle. I love my father, for he is apparently a rap star.

3. We got gators. Wall-eyed gators, to be exact. Does this have anything to do with the Dukes of Hazzard movie coming out? Also, is it wrong that I want to see that movie? I have high hopes for Sean "Stifler" William Scott, I think he could make magic again.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Don't Cry for Me Dave Navarro

The truth is, you look like Satan. A kind of hot version of Satan, but still, Satan. His head is gigantic! Anyway, I love INXS: Rock Star. Watching Dave Navarro get emotional is way too amusing. My picks to win: Mig or Marty. Jordis is awesome, but call me sexist, because I can't see a woman fronting INXS. I don't think that "Cover Gurl" Jessica Robinson will win, or should, but I hope she's around for a while because it's all about local celebrities.

I know, it's been a while since the last update. I've been busy finishing my summer classes and working on some upcoming fun for the H-N. Details to come as I get them. Speaking of H-N, let's look to the blotter and such first. Note: there was a Happy Ad a couple weeks ago that featured a guy asking a girl to "ride with him" again. I don't think he was her bus driver.

Food smeared on car
JOLIET — Vandals have left food on a woman's car numerous times in recent weeks, tossing items from a fast-food restaurant on it every few days, police said.
The 24-year-old resident of Marble Street reportedly told police, "someone keeps dumping Kentucky Fried Chicken food on her car. Potatoes, macaroni and cheese and sometimes sauces," according to a police report.
The food causes no permanent damage to the woman's white 1995 Pontiac Grand Am, police said.
The most recent incident occurred overnight Tuesday, as Wednesday morning the woman "noticed potatoes on her car," police said.

Glad to know it's only sometimes sauces, and that there's no permanent damage. If it was Boston Market chicken and sometimes sauces, there's no way they'd get it off.

Pit bull stolen
JOLIET — A woman told police her pet pit bull was stolen from the yard of her Ottawa Street house Monday.
The woman told police she believes the pit bull, a 9-month-old named "Snoop," was stolen from her yard at some point before 3 p.m. Monday.
The yard was not fenced, police said, and the rope that supposedly was securing Snoop was badly frayed.
The woman insisted the dog was stolen, however, as the rope was "triple tied" to Snoop's collar

So the lady thinks that Snoop was stizzle foshizzle, but the cops think he just escapizzled. Interesting.

Catie Cryder had yet another good column today. I especially liked her use of "Tipsy Tom, Drunken Dick, or Heroin High Harry." I'm all about the alliterative nicknames. I liked this story from the Pulse:

Fewer flushes
A Herald News reader called in with two useful water conservation tips last week.
To protect a new well he had dug for $4,000, his wife waters plants with moisture sucked out of the air by a dehumidifier.
And he urinates into a gallon jug until it's full to save on toilet flushes.
OK, so maybe it's one useful water conservation tip.

If this was a bad children's movie from the early '90's (i.e. Problem Child), somebody would think that was lemonade and drink up. And in Open Line:

Check the sign
Can someone from the city please check the stop sign at Westminster and Mayfield. For about five days, it looks like a condom ishanging off of the stop sign. It doesn't look really good in the neighborhood. Joliet

In case anyone was wondering, I did NOT write the Open Line entry about the Northwestern girls in flip flops. I would NEVER refer to them as "floppies."

Hat rack
Our world is going to hell and some boob sits out there and complains about releasing butterflies.
No wonder we're in such bad shape. No one is using their heads for anything more than an object on which to hang a hat. Joliet

What a Hoot
I notice The Herald News has taken to providing all of these nifty statistics about Evergreen Terrace. However, it has been 420 days and there's still no Hooters in Joliet. Let's bring on those chicken wings and some serious eating before football season. Joliet

I assume the choice of "420" wasn't arbitrary. Back to toilet humor:

And nothing but ...
There is one good thing about having brown lawns: If you have a pet, it does help to get the poop to blend in. Shorewood

Mist a Spot
If there is anyone out there that wants their lawn watered, for a small fee, I'll bring over my Great Danes. They do a pretty good job of watering the grass. Shorewood

There's been a lot more Hooters debates, of course, but the only highlight was someone suggesting a restaurant called "Weenies." Oh, and this one:

Butt out
In response to "Open for Business" July 29, this person finds it disgusting that restaurants promote people as sex objects, and slobbering men who call in about Hooters are animals. What about the ladies who go to Sugar Shack? This religious-right person should mind her own business and not tell people what to do. Joliet

Where the hell is the Sugar Shack? Anyone?

Ok, I suppose I should tell stories of recent adventures. We'll go back a few weeks to Emily's Birthdaypalooza weekend, July 15-17. Friday night: Willy Wonka (amazing, as shocking as that was to the Gene Wilder fan in the bathroom at B&N) and Harry Potter release night (not as disturbing as the year before except for the faux British accented wandmakers in the magazine section). Saturday during the day was a dog show at a vet clinic on Republic (Melanie's parents' dog won Best Dressed) and the Wedding Crashers (also awesome, but I still like Old School better). Saturday was night one of Emily and Mike's Birthday celebration. Shannon, Joe, Nancy, Aaron, Melanie, Mike, Kelly, Brian and I headed up to Alumni Club in Schaumburg for our annual Strict Dress Code Fun Night. Everyone got in this time, even latecomer GnomeAttic Joe, who had issues with the code the year before. Apparently they're anti-sandals without ankle straps, but Mike was able to distract the fashion police with his stylish white pants and got in. However, some more frumpily dressed dudes outside bemoaned the fact that Mike got in sans straps. We hung out at our tables inside for a bit before heading out to the bigass beer garden. A new addition this year: Grillmaster Greta, who made hot dogs and hamburgers all night. I enjoyed a burger and bought Mike one for a birthday present. We did some dancing, which was especially fun due to the fact that the DJ was accompanied by a drummer. Nice touch, I don't think it would work at our local bars due to space though. Samy's would have to get rid of the stripper poles. After GnomeAttic Joe showed up with some friends, we ended up running into some dudes he knew from the Shorewood/Minooka area (Shonooka?) and playing several games of Flippy Cup in the beer garden. Good times all around, I was especially amused by an opponent named Mario, which caused me to make several jokes involving fireflowers/mushrooms/and underground music. All in all it was a fabulous celebration.

For the Sunday portion of the birthday weekend (which was my actual birthday), I did family stuff during the day, then headed out with Mike, Shannon, Joe, Wens, Court, Megan and Nance to Jameson's. It wasn't exactly a hotspot on Sundays, but we had a good time, though I can't remember any actual stories.

A few days after my birthday weekend I headed up to Wisconsin for a few days. Wisconsin never fails to disappoint with amusing stories, my favorite being the sign for an upcoming festival featuring a "Chicken Poop Contest." I have absolutely no idea what that means. My mom and aunt finally got to see Napoleon Dynamite, which led to them giggling as the waitress at one restaurant read off the potato choices but neglected to mention any "tots." We also saw a woman (picture soon) who was a dead ringer for Harry Caray at one restaurant. Good times all around.

Last weekend. . .Thursday night we went to Jameson's, shocker. It was packed and a good time, and people were actually dancing, quite the bonus. Amusing trend Wendy and I have noticed lately: girls who use fake voices when they say "excuse me." These girls may have normal voices, but when they pass by, their voices go up about five octaves. Scary!! Wacky characters included a woopitcher who kept insisting he remembered my name, but refused to tell me what it was. Smooth. Again, I need to update about nights out right after they happen so I can remember more stories.

Friday night was party night in Yorkville. I'd share the story, but it might be in the H-N soon and I don't want to ruin any surprises. Saturday evening I went with Shannon and Joe to Naperville. Suddenly a million new bars have opened in N-ville and I can't keep them all straight. We were going to check out some bar on Jefferson that was called Club (insert street number of bar here), but they had a one in-one out policy that wasn't flying with us. We went to Potter's for a while, where we spotted a man that looked remarkably like Mr. Sewell from JCA. We don't think it was him, but it could have been and we weren't in the mood to ask. John Sewell, if you find this page, was it you? I hope not, because I'd feel bad that I missed a chance to chat. Also amusing at Potter's: I watched a guy grooving at the bar until something dropped out of the sky and hit his face. He looked quite confused, then quickly addressed his friends about the unidentified flying object. I wish I had it on film. Afterward we went to Quigley's, where a nice lad named Mark asked if he could join our table and chatted with us about The OC, Harry Potter, and other topics dear to my heart. He didn't like Journey though. We decided to meet Mark and his friend Melissa over at Tapatios for some late night eats. The table we sat at was prime for people watching, but a group of rowdy older dudes that entered were hip to our ploy and made comments such as, "What are you looking at?" and, seriously, "Eat my ass pocket!" Again, don't know what that means.

Monday evening I ended up going out after class with friends from school. We ended up at Larsen's, where I hadn't been in about a year. Oddly enough, Larsen's was packed. On a Monday. Who knew? We encountered many a hilarious person, including a dude I nicknamed Tank Top Timmy due to his penchant for wifebeaters. I told Timmy about his nickname and he seemed to enjoy it. Also amusing: the number of "youthful operators," aka girls who looked to be 21 and under that were working their way around the bar. The funniest moment was when I was waiting in line for the bathroom and two of these lasses came out, letting me know that their friend would be out in a minute as she was "doing her hair." Doing her hair. At Larsen's. On a Monday. Personally I think showering is a big effort for Larsen's on a Monday. Anyway, Hairdo Harriet asked if I wanted to use the facilities while she fixed her hair, but I declined.

I believe that's it for now, I will be updating more often in the next few weeks, and I want to hear more about the "all new Sapphire" if anyone's been yet. Adios!

Subscribe to
Whiskey Tango: Tales From J-Town!