Parental Stories and Heroes Hooligans

Herald News update: The Your Health section now features a column written by Dr. J.D. Wright, aka Jennifer's dad. My favorite quote: "Many doctors are actually 'going bare.' That doesn't mean they've shed their clothing." What does "going bare" mean? Read the column and find out!


Reader update: Reader Deb Brsan, aka Melanie's mom, of Joliet had some Whiskey Tango spottings at a softball game at the Park District Tuesday night. Apparently the members of one of the teams had something extra peeking out from under their baseball caps:tails. Whether or not these hair add-ons helped the team win the game is not known. Apparently the "Home Run Hair Hotties" (the real name escapes me) attracted some rather rowdy fans, whose lewd talk left them in danger of being kicked out of the park. However, they must have behaved, as there was no mention of softball altercations in today's police blotter. In other hair news, the car parked next to ours in the parking lot of my office has what looks like hair extensions on the front passenger seat. Next to the fake hair is a bag of Arby's Market Fresh sandwiches. Anyone for lunch?


Bargoers came in all ages last night at Heroes. I spotted a woman carrying her baby out of the bar a little after 11. Somehow that just takes underage drinking to a new level. On the other side of the spectrum, an older woman who strongly resembled JCA librarian Mrs. Hartnett danced excitedly with her facial haired friend to the new Eminem song "Without Me." Unfortunately, the ID TV wasn't back this week, as the Heroes staff figured out a more discreet and less potentially dangerous way to check ID's. A new addition to Heroes was the ability to sign up to be in some band's music video. Not only would you get free food and beer (sounds like a professional shoot) if you were selected, but you'd get a whole dollar just for signing up! Though Wendy and I were approached by a gel-loving guy to sign up, I'm only willing to be a video ho in a remake of ZZ Top's Legs (apparently my old buddy Kid Rock has recorded a remake) or as the girl on the car Whitesnake's Here I Go Again (then again, look at Tawny Kitaen now). I don't want to end up as a husband abuser.


When Melanie and I went to get some beverages at the bar, we were approached by a short fellow in a Bob Marley shirt and a fuzzy black Kangol hat. The Mad Hatter invited us to stop by the pool table, telling us that was where the "party" was at. When I lied that we'd stop by, he said in a very Wooderson(Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused)-esque voice, "I hope you do." I was just waiting for him to say "all right all right all right." When I walked by that area later, the only party I saw was a festival of bad hats: not only was Mr. Kangol there, but a large black man in a cowboy hat.


The ass trilogy was split up last night, but there was still adventure on the dance floor. Kelly entertained some nearby hip hop lovers with her MC Hammer dance, almost starting a new craze on the dance floor. Chuckie was without his flashlight again, but attempted to sing Lil Kim to me, which was a frightening experience. There were no hoochie twins this week, but i did see hoodie twins. Apparently the cooler weather made people wear more clothes, which made for a more pleasant viewing experience. The motto of fashion at Heroes should be "That outfit is a privilege, not a right!" Alas, Heroes allows equal opportunity skankiness. Stay tuned for this weekend's stories, which may include midget car racing!

Badges, Bars, and Badly Written Letters

The police blotter was good today; besides the secret marijuana lab in Kankakee, it included this item:


Man arrested


JOLIET — A dancing, spinning, allegedly intoxicated man didn't need a badge, but he still ripped one off a patrolman's shirt, police said.

Jonathan Hinton, 37, of 216 S. Richards St. was arrested on charges of battery, resisting a police officer and disorderly conduct following the midnight Tuesday incident near the corner of Collins Street and Elwood Avenue.

Officers on patrol reportedly spotted Hinton "dancing and spinning" in the middle of the northbound traffic lanes on Collins. Hinton also was carrying a cup of wine, police said.

The officers approached Hinton to "check his well-being," police said. He reportedly attempted to conceal his cup of wine next to his leg and "continued walking away" from them.

He also "refused to cooperate," police said, and would not leave the roadway.

When the officers attempted to remove him from the roadway, he ripped the badge from a patrolman's shirt, police said.


In other news, Melanie of Joliet reported that three out of four cars in front of Miss Camille's on Tuesday night were Cadillacs, each a different color. . . There must have been some roadside musical chairs going on on Essington Monday night, as Nate ran over a folding chair in the middle of the street on the way home from Spider-man. . . Whiskey Tango made its way to Naperville last night as Shannon, Joe and I spotted some Women's Workout World employees (one with a big orange 'fro) posing on top of the bar at the Samba Room. . .And finally, there's been some controversy in the world of education in J-town as the city is considering reopening Carl Sandburg Elementary, and sending some of the kids who go to Thomas Jefferson elementary to that school. Some poor misguided soul apparently couldn't get her facts straight and thought that Thomas Jefferson would be closed completely. In her anguish she wrote the following letter, a copy of which arrived with our Herald News today. All the spelling, punctuation, and grammar are exactly how they appear in the letter.



SAVE THOMAS JEFFERSON SCHOOL


Dear residents the county is trying to close down Thomas Jefferson and relocate all students' handicapped or not to other schools. I wish I can stop them myself but I need your help save Thomas Jefferson. I like a lot of parents and teachers are trying to stop them from doing that. I wish you all could help us stop them from taking or kids of of the school that they have been going for years. Mostly from k-4 grade the kids like it there most parents like that school they are trying to send our kids to Carl Sandburg which just last year a student got out of hand and the teachers there took it upon their selves and hit the student. So please help fight to save THOMAS JEFFERSON SCHOOL that we mostly all probably went there one time or another.


I'm sure that "the county" will be moved by this eloquent plea. My favorite part is the assumption that "we mostly all probably went there one time or another. I mostly all probably went to Troy and Joliet Catholic, but not Thomas Jefferson. Let's just hope that whoever wrote this letter is not a product of Thomas Jefferson, because it doesn't say much for their language arts program.

From the Bar of Bedrocks

Today's Herald News announced a new change for crappy Shorewood bar Bedrocks: they're getting a beer garden. While this is pretty unexciting, and I think that Bedrocks needs to do a lot more (giving out money might work) to gain customers, the article mentioned an earlier incident at Bedrocks that I found pretty amusing. . .



Bedrocks is one of a few taverns in Shorewood, and it's one of the newest. The bar opened in early 2000. Last summer, the bar was fined $250 and was closed for a day after an adult-themed act, America's Loverboys, performed there. Shorewood police officers who attended the show said they saw the five-man dance troupe perform simulated sexual acts. Adult-oriented entertainment is not allowed in Shorewood, according to a statement issued by the village last year.


Simulated sexual acts? In Shorewood? This requires some research, so I did an online search for America's Loverboys. Though they don't have a website themselves (they're too busy simulating sex acts), I found a page with pictures of the Loverboys at the site for the Airport Lounge, an "entertainment club" in Milwaukee. The site only pictures three of the five boys, Robbie (who looks like a potential Tuckaway Tavern ID checker), Johnny Luv (wearing a white towel, not a yellow one like another Johnny we know), and Alex (check out that silver Speedo!). These men look well oiled, but I'd really rather not see them simulating anything. A little more research led me to a message board for Beansnappers night club in Green Bay. Many Loverboys fans wrote in to express their love for the group, but here's my favorite comment:


BRING BACK THE MEN!!! BRING BACK THE MEN!!! BRING BACK THE MEN!!! BRING BACK THE MEN!!! BRING BACK THE MEN!!! BRING BACK THE MEN!!! THEY WERE AWESOME--DEFINITELY NEED MORE OF THAT ACTION!!! WE LOVED HAVING THEM LICK US, KISS US, AND SIGN US.


Sign us? Was this the Denim Diva? Could one of the Loverboys be the patchwork jeans designer? The world may never know. But my curiosity about the "simulated acts" led me to check the Herald News archives for the original story (yes, it's a slow day at work). I found it, and it's a classic. Highlights are in bold.


Village looking into strip show | June 8 performance: Officials will assess police reports for ordinance violation

SHOREWOOD -- It wasn't the Full Monty, but it was close enough for village officials to take notice. No matter how seemingly harmless, adult entertainment is not welcome in Shorewood, according to a village ordinance that some might view as strict.
That means America's Loverboys, a five-man dance troupe, should have trouble finding an artistic outlet in town. June 8 proved to be the exception.
Despite a verbal warning from village officials beforehand, owners of Bedrock's Cave, 700 W. Jefferson St., carried on with the show that Friday night.

And two undercover police officers were in the audience when the strippers hit the stage.

In fact, Bedrock's owner Sandy Tomasik said she gave her blessing to have the officers in attendance.

"We have nothing to hide," she said on a phone interview Thursday.

"In our opinion, it was nothing violating anything."

Tomasik declined to comment further because she said she had no knowledge that a police report had even been filed.

She said she left a message, which has not yet been returned, with the village asking their opinion on the show.

In the report, the officers describe a variety of simulated acts and sexual innuendos that were witnessed.

And the activities detailed were definitely too risque for the village's liquor ordinance, according to Village Administrator Kurt Carroll.

Even though the bar owners described the act to Carroll as a "Las Vegas or Broadway"-type revue, village officials still encouraged the cancellation of the show.

"We told them in no uncertain terms that it sounded like a violation of the village's liquor ordinance," Carroll said.

"But we gave them the benefit of the doubt."

And so for a cover charge, patrons were given a striptease that Friday night.

Dancers bared down to their skivvies; some simulated sex acts on willing attendees.

One dancer "lifted a woman from the crowd up to his waist area and began to thrust his pelvic area into her buttock area two to three times, simulating sexual sodomy.

He then lifted her over his head and placed her back on the ground," according to police reports.

As for tips, the men collected them in their underwear or used their teeth to retrieve them from women's blouses, police said.

And the bar held two competitions.

One called for four women to fake orgasms.

The one with the best impression won a T-shirt.

In the other contest, four women were chosen to remove G-strings -- which were worn over a pair of shorts -- from the dancers using only their teeth.

First prize was a walk through the entertainers' dressing room.

The officers did add, though, that the crowd was "very mild mannered."

"With the exception of the aforementioned violations, the evening was handled very professionally," one officer reported.

It sounds like Julian "Jumpin" Perez is going to have to change "Jumpin" to "Humpin" to get the crowd at Bedrocks going.

Whiskey Tango Movie Review: Spiderman

Last night Nate and I went to see Spiderman at Movies 8. As usual at the J-town theaters, there were several small children at a 9:30 show on a school night. Overall I liked the movie, it had more unintentionally funny moments than real ones, but the effects were cool. I was quite impressed with how much Tobey Maguire bulked up for the role, but I still can't find his face attractive because I always picture him dressed up as Screech on Saturday Night Live. I don't usually mind Kirsten Dunst, but I just found her voice really annoying, so I just kept laughing at inappropriate moments. Kirsten definitely was the main source of the Whiskey Tango factor in this movie, she wore clothes that looked like Kelly Kapowski's hand me downs. It was definitely an entertaining film though, but it had a few odd and disturbing elements I need to highlight.


1. The costume of the villain, the Green Goblin, was really lame. I found Willem Dafoe, the actor who played the character, much scarier when he was dressed as a normal person (his face looks like it's made of elastic) than in his costume. The head of the costume has this big fake mouth that looks like it's always open. Somehow mouth breathers just don't scare me. Look at P. Diddy-he's not scary! Also, it bothered me whenever the Green Goblin and Spiderman talked to each other. Between Spiderman's lack of mouth and Green Goblin's gaping mouth, the non-moving mouths reminded me of a Japanese monster movie.


2. Unnecessary Macy Gray. The unnecessary performance of an annoying pop star in this film is second only to the completely unnecessary Smashmouth (that band gives me convulsions) concert at the end of the movie Rat Race, which ruined that movie for me. All of a sudden in the middle of Spiderman, there's a big festival, and Macy Gray's singing in it. Why? She scares me! Luckily it's a very short segment.


Despite these issues Spiderman is a good movie, and will definitely be better than the Matt Damon-as-a-horse cartoon that we saw a preview for. Why God why?

Saturday Oooh Oooh

Update: I got an internship downtown (oooh oooh!)

The excitement of Saturday began during a trip to Louis Joliet Mall. While I spotted many men with tails, my mom had a more exciting spotting: Damian Anderson! Apparently's Northwestern's former Heisman trophy candidate was home for the weekend (he lives in nearby Wilmington, a town known for rednecks) and had to get his shop on at the mall. My favorite "DA" story is the time he brought 40's of malt liquor to class.

Saturday night we celebrated Shanny's graduation (magna cum laude and an English award, way to go Shanny!) from USF at The Foundry in Aurora. The Foundry, near Fox Valley Mall, is an old movie theater converted into a restaurant/bigass sports bar. It's a fun place to go with a group of friends, but not the best place to socialize with new people. Jake and I theorized this is because of the extremely quiet music. Also, the music that is played basically sucks ass, to be blunt. Sorry, sports bars and O-Town just don't go together. However, there was a big group of us so we had a ton of fun. We did make one new friend, though, in an odd but typical for our group of friends way. Melanie, Leslie, Jake, Shanny, Melissa and I were standing by the bar waiting to get shots (mmm Goldschlager). Melissa noted that a lad sitting at the bar looked like Nate from the back. I jokingly said, "Nate!" then commented that he was in Minnesota for the weekend. The guy at the bar turned around and said, "Did somebody say Dave from Minnesota?" I said, "No, but are you him?" He pulled out his ID and indeed, he was Dave from Minnesota. Dave recently moved to the Chi-town area from Minnesota and knows not a soul in the area, perhaps coming to the bar to making new friends. He joined our group for the rest of the night and seemed like a nice lad, though I didn't chat with him too much. The other new acquaintance I made at the Foundry, one I definitely hope to see more of, is Sauza Diablo. The bartender told me it's basically a margarita in a bottle, and I'd have to agree. I tend to be a typical Mike's Lemonade, foofoo drink loving girl, so this works great for me. On the other hand, the new Captain Morgan rum and coke in a bottle does not come highly recommended by Leslie Ferguson. Though I didn't encounter any guys saying, "Shit!" this weekend, I did walk by a group of guys at the Foundry who responded with "Oooooh!" (unfortunately, not in the Ludacris style). While a baby step up from "Shit," I was still not impressed with this line. However, it was a definite step up from my favorite pick up line, yelled by men in the parking lot of Heroes at Melanie and I a few months ago: "Where are you going? We have condoms!"

Welcome to the Jungle

I've been busy the last couple days so I have a lot to catch you up on. Before I forget to mention it, I noticed two interesting things on the way to work today. First, there was an old woman pulled over on Glenwood by Thomas Jefferson, probably commiting the unspeakable crime of speeding in a school zone. She was hunched over the steering wheel, one of her hands tangled in her freshly washed at the beauty shop head of white curls, and it made me ask the question: why do all old women have curly hair? I'm sure there are also some straight haired seniors, but the majority of the old women I've seen have fluffy, cotton candy-like, heads of white or silver curls. All the Golden Girls got a little kinky with their hair, even Bea "I'm Really a Man"Arthur. Why is this? The second interesting encounter occurred at Glenwood and Springfield. We were listening to Ludacris' "Saturday" on the radio, and what did I happen to see. No, not a big ole ass, but a Ludacris lookalike. The resemblance was remarkable, and if you see him around town, you should probably stay out of his "bizz-nass."


Today's Herald News was unremarkable, but the last few days have had a few articles of note. Saturday's police blotter included students arrested for throwing desks (whatever happened to detention?), and a drug arrest after suspects were seen "acting suspiciously" and "dumping a leafy material out the window." What could that "leafy material" be? Herald News, why be so sly? However, my personal favorite recent blotter story appeared in yesterday's paper:


Mom punched in nose after giving advice

JOLIET — A man punched his girlfriend's mother in the nose while sitting in an emergency room at Silver Cross Hospital, police said.

The woman suggested that her 18-year-old daughter not marry Jon C. Jordan, 21, of 326 Fairmont Ave., police said. The mom was waiting to be treated Saturday around 3 p.m. for a car crash earlier in the day.

After the suggestion, Jordan punched the mother on the nose, causing a cut, police said.

Hospital officials separated the two. Jordan was arrested by Joliet police on charges of battery and released on a $1,000 bond.



I'm sure that suggestion was very polite: "Honey, I suggest you don't marry that man." It's bad enough that Jon C. Jordan chose to punch his future mother in law while she was waiting to be treated for a car accident, but to do so the day before Mother's Day? Somehow I have a feeling we won't be seeing their wedding announcement in the Keepsakes section anytime soon. . .



On to this weekend's events. Friday night, following dinner with the family, Nancy and I ventured out to Mokena (to find out what Muppet does not live in Mokena, even though it would be appropriate, click here) to meet up with Kelly and Eric at The Jungle, a dance club located in a shopping center next to a day care center. After declining the complimentary valet parking, we arrived at the front of the club, where there were a couple turnstiles, a disorganized line, and a man with a clip board. Wondering if this was some kind of pseudo Studio 54, and half expecting clipboard man to allow a nearby clubgoer entry, only to be told, "Not with that shirt!", I joked to Nancy about how we weren't on "the list." A balding guy ahead of me took me seriously and informed me that he and his cue-balled cohorts were on the list, but had two extra spots that we could have. Nancy and I agreed, and with that we were on "the list." Unfortunately no, we weren't with the DJ, but we were waived the $5 entry fee. We entered the club, which appeared like a revamped Discovery Zone with jungle decor. Instead of going "DZ" we headed up to the bar and met up with Kelly and Eric. We were quickly met by a man who reminded me of Scotty in Boogie Nights, who asked to take our picture for the website. Unfortunately, when Kelly and Nancy checked the website, our picture was not posted, but then again, neither was the girl that posed seductively with the elephant mural on the wall, and maybe that's a good thing. Nancy and I checked out the "Member Room," which looks like someone's family room and has very low security: Bouncer:"Are you members?" Nancy and Emily: "Yeah." (lying) Bouncer: "Ok." The music at the jungle was basically 92 Energy style techno, and though we didn't dance (apparently the crowd doesn't get going till much later, and we left pretty early), we observed many wannabe ballers and shotcallers dancing spastically by themselves, and many middle aged men bobbing Night at the Roxbury style on the outskirts of the floor. One funny moment occurred when a girl tapped me on the shoulder, saying, "Move! I can't see!" apparently because I was blocking the view of the dancers. Really, there was nothing to see. In conclusion, I would say that the Jungle definitely does have fun and games, but I probably would enjoy it more on a night when I had more energy.