Well This is Bizarrely Ironic. . .

Streetcar Suburb You scored 32 out of 40 on urban-rural and 19 out of 40 land intensity.

People know you as: Grandmama Quote: "Maybe the neighbor can lend us some sugar." Your score indicates that you prefer a large metropolitan area to the wilderness and that you like your personal space. But you also enjoy interacting with other people occasionally and maybe, just maybe, on a rare occasion you even enjoy walking somewhere besides across the parking lot to your car. You should live in a pre-World War II suburb. The kind populated by bungalow houses and charming little corner grocery stores. Just like grandma. Examples of places you should live: Bethesda, MD; Evanston, IL All Categories Secluded'>http://www.okcupid.com/tests/describescore?testid=16534455155473404923&category=0">Secluded Hideaway / Farm'>http://www.okcupid.com/tests/describescore?testid=16534455155473404923&category=1">Farm or Ranch / Small'>http://www.okcupid.com/tests/describescore?testid=16534455155473404923&category=2">Small Town / Little'>http://www.okcupid.com/tests/describescore?testid=16534455155473404923&category=3">Little City / Suburb / Streetcar'>http://www.okcupid.com/tests/describescore?testid=16534455155473404923&category=5">Streetcar Suburb / Rowhouse'>http://www.okcupid.com/tests/describescore?testid=16534455155473404923&category=6">Rowhouse 'Hood / Downtown'>http://www.okcupid.com/tests/describescore?testid=16534455155473404923&category=7">Downtown Loft

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: alt="free online dating" src="http://is2.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif" border=0> http://www.okcupid.com/">%20alt="free%20online%20dating"%20src="http://is2.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif"%20border=0> You scored higher than 83% on urban-rural alt="free online dating" src="http://is2.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif" border=0> http://www.okcupid.com/">%20alt="free%20online%20dating"%20src="http://is2.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif"%20border=0> You scored higher than 18% on land intensity

Link: The Where Should You Live Test written by TwelveFloorsUp on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Streetcar Suburb
You scored 32 out of 40 on urban-rural and 19 out of 40 land intensity.

People know you as: Grandmama
Quote: "Maybe the neighbor can lend us some sugar."

Your score indicates that you prefer a large metropolitan area to the wilderness and that you like your personal space. But you also enjoy interacting with other people occasionally and maybe, just maybe, on a rare occasion you even enjoy walking somewhere besides across the parking lot to your car.

You should live in a pre-World War II suburb. The kind populated by bungalow houses and charming little corner grocery stores. Just like grandma.

Examples of places you should live: Bethesda, MD; Evanston, IL

All Categories
Secluded Hideaway / Farm or Ranch / Small Town / Little City / Suburb / Streetcar Suburb / Rowhouse 'Hood / Downtown Loft

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

The Poop Scoop

Yes, I know I haven't updated in eons, these things happen. Once I'm done with my school stuff next week I'll be updating more. Anyway, here's the latest column (note: I have no idea where that picture that accompanies my column in the paper came from, I know I didn't take it and it wasn't even from the mall!)

And here's that blotter that you've all been waiting for:

Police Blotter
JOLIET — A misguided gift-giver got a jump on the Christmas season Saturday night, delivering packages of dog feces to at least two far West Side residences.In one instance, the package was placed on the front porch of a Wesmere Lakes Drive home and set afire, apparently in hopes that the unwitting resident would rush out, stamp on the flames and soil his footwear.
This did not happen, police said, as no one was home when the parcel of dog dirt was deposited. The homeowner reportedly returned to his residence and found the charred bag of dog excrement, as the fire died out before his arrival.
Fortunately for all, the blaze did not spread to the front porch.
Police believe the same fecal felons are responsible for throwing a plastic bag of excrement onto the front porch of a house on Arbor Fields Drive.

Of Bob Guiney and Blotters

I didn't get a chance last week to post a link to my latest column, so here it is. Enjoy my tales of the Bobster (again, the H-N is doing well with headlines). Updates over the next month may be infrequent due to school and the column but I'll try to do as much as possible.

In the Blotter:

Thwarted shoplifter strikes
JOLIET — A local woman smashed an employee of a Westfield Shoppinngtown Louis Joliet store in the head with her purse after he stopped her from stealing Playboy clothes Sunday evening, police said.*** was arrested on charges of battery and retail theft in connection with the 6 p.m. incident at the Spencer's in the mall.
A 20-year-old store employee reportedly spotted *** stealing two Playboy shirts and a Playboy belt and stepped up to stop the crime.
But police said *** clubbed the employee in the head with her purse.
She was still arrested, police said, and the Playboy merchandise was recovered.
The employee suffered head pain but refused medical attention, police said.

I am assuming this happened at Spencer's. Do any other stores have Playboy gear? Hopefully I don't shop at them.

Man stabbed after intervening in struggle
JOLIET — Chivalry may not be dead, but it landed a Romeoville man in the hospital with stab wounds to his chest and left leg.
The 28-year-old man told police he was driving along South Eastern Avenue about 11:30 p.m. Tuesday when he noticed a man beating up a woman.
The man, who drives a Dodge Stratus, related to police that he sprang from his car and told the woman's assailant, "What are you doing, dog?"
The two men then fell to fighting, according to a police report, and the Romeoville man came out the worse for it, getting knifed in the chest and leg.
He was treated for his injuries at Provena Saint Joseph Medical Center.
No description of the woman in distress or her attacker was provided by police.

I think every knight in shining armor should use the word "dog" when confronting evildoers. I think Lancelot used it often back in the day.

We also have the "Oh My Hose" incident. I don't know what to say about that except that that may be the funniest website name ever. I hope foot loving freaks don't start frequenting my website thanks to the mention.

I want to give Kudos to Common Sense writer Katie Cryder on her awesome column regarding my favorite comfort fashion, the hoodie. A highlight: "As anyone can see, the hoodie was not created with nor is it worn with criminal intent (though its appearance on "Law and Order" is abundant). "

In recent social news, Halloween and my Friday night will be covered in upcoming columns. . .went out to Naperville with Shannon and Melissa on Saturday but nothing too much to write about, except that Rizzo's kind of reminds me of a sauna with its strange light wood walls. Also, I can't get behind that bizarre cropped flared stretch pants (gauchos?) that everyone's wearing these days. I tried a pair on, but much like the poncho of yesteryear, it's a no. That's all I have for now. . .I'll try to update later in the week. Adios!

Painting the Town Schaumburg

Here's the latest column. Again, I liked the headline. For some reason I can't get the accompanying picture to post right now but I'll try again later.

It was a Friday!!

So I got "Open Lined" today! Here's the quote:

Unimpressed
I don't really see anything fascinating or impressive about a bunch of young kids bar-hopping on a Thursday night out of town. I was wondering, don't these kids have to go to work the next morning?
Joliet

Some notes:
1. Where'd they get that it happened on a Thursday? The article in the paper didn't say what night it happened and the online version, which I think is from one of my earlier drafts, states, "On a recent Friday night we decided to take a break from the J-town scene and check out other venues."

2. I don't see anything "fascinating" or "impressive" about it either, but it is a funny story.

3. Sadly enough, though I may look youthful, I am no longer a "young kid."

I don't mean to get defensive, but I'm very excited to be the target of an Open Line complaint and feel the need to share my view.

Have you seen this (wo)man?

Ok, here's the police sketch from a couple weeks ago of Billie Limacher's mugger. Everyone should apparently be on the lookout for an earless Cro-Magnon.

In other H-N news, I think the first picture on the special high school football section is going to cause some Open Line drama. Just a prediction.

Recent social outings. . .Friday night Wendy, Megan, Court and I went to Jameson's, and I will refer to it as the "Thursday that turned into a Friday." I've never seen Jameson's that packed on a Friday, it was like a Thursday night crowd, only one night later and with a lot of randoms. I thought this night could be column worthy, but my camera wasn't cooperating and I decided that this night was better for the website since most of the humor came from mocking people. First point of amusement: the dancefloor. There were a ton of people dancing, and the majority of them, oddly enough, were guys. One glance at the dance floor might lead some to believe that we were at Spin rather than Jameson's. There was basically a big group of guys, and a couple chicks that danced on them at certain times. One of the most amusing dancers was an acquaintance who seemed to take "back that ass up" quite literally. Shannon and Joe's dog, Abby, is what we call a "butt presenter," meaning that she usually approaches you with her butt and scoots back into you, and this guy seemed to have a similar trait. Other amusing lads included a guy with a mock turtleneck. As you know, mock is a command and I made up an impromptu version of "Breakfast at Tiffany's" to accompany the mock. The lyrics: "And I said, 'What about mocking that that turtleneck?' He said,'I think I remember that shirt, and as I recall, I think, we both kind of mocked it,' and I said, 'Well that's the one thing we mock." The music was also pretty hilarious: they played a 5 minute Britney Spears megamix that may not have gotten the crowd going, but certainly entertained me, as I had almost forgotten about such classics as "Lucky." During one bathroom trip, I saw someone's discarded thong, and during another, a girl who apparently had been called a bitch by the girl who opened the bathroom door for her gave a long rant about how unnecessary that was, only to stop in the middle to compliment another girl's top, who said she got it at "The Wet Seal." I can't properly capture how hilarious it was in writing. Finally, my favorite bar patron was this guy who looked remarkably like Jason, the antique car enthusiast from Laguna Beach, except that, as Wendy said his beard looked like magnetic Wooly Willy shavings. It was a good night.

Saturday evening Melanie won a free party at Zentra downtown, so a bunch of us went. It was a fun night, nothing too crazy to report but I must recommend the free parties there. No cover, free drinks from 9-10, a bottle of champagne, and a reserved booth. The booth probably isn't too necessary since it wasn't that crowded, but it's nice to go to the city and not spend money. In other Melanie news, she was quoted in Sunday's article about the Slovenian Grape Fest. Said Melanie: "I attend because my heritage is important to me," she said. Then she added: "And for the smokies, of course." Props to Mel for getting the smokies mentioned in the H-N. That's all I have for now, but if you ever watch "Lost," check out this link, it's hilarious. Adios!

Smell of Wine and Cheap Perfume

As most of you know, my favorite band is Journey. My favorite song of all time is "Don't Stop Believin'." However, I am a Cubs fan, but I have chosen to root for the Sox right now because of their theme song is the aforementioned classic song. Note: the song is also my ringtone, but I picked that way before any of the baseball shenanigans. Anyway, check out this hilarious tribute to Journey.

Guess I'm "Painting the Town" Cheez-It Orange This Week

So the first edition of "Emily Paints the Town" was in the paper this week. Here's a link to the column, unfortunately photo free. Whoever came up with this week's title is AWESOME, and I'd give you Kudos if I knew who you were and if I had any. I was very dismayed to see that the print version has an error of the "its/it's" kind in the last paragraph, as I work hard against those types of errors, being a future teacher of American and all, but for some reason it's different in the online version so I'm hoping it wasn't my grammar error originally. Otherwise Shannon might kill me. Since there are no photos online, I've included the picture that accompanied the column in this post. I'd add in my logo, but I don't know how to put PDF files on this page. Have a lovely weekend!