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Just wanted to let you know that I added a new thing to the site: if you scroll to the bottom of the page, you can type in your email address and become a subscriber! When you become a subscriber, you'll get an email every time I update the website. No, you will not be added to any mailing lists and I will not send you any porn. I would do anything for love, but I won't do that! I'll update soon with tales from Heroes and Legends, and remember, I love you like a fat kid love cake.

The Boys of Summer

So much to tell!!

Note #1: If you click on the little sitemeter icon on the bottom of my page, you can find out how people got to my website. I have a new favorite search that led to my page : Joliet whore pictures .

Note #2: I saw a hilarious video for a new song by teen female rap group Fannypack. The song? Cameltoe. The lyrics explain it all.

Ok, back to my week. Last Wednesday I headed to Harrah's in downtown Joliet for my final round of Wheel of Fortune auditions. My fellow game show hopefuls were a cross-section of suburban Chicago; my personal favorite was a mullet who went for bald in front, party in the back, and wore a lovely camouflage tee with embroidered letters reading something about imaginary friends. I wish I had thought to write the exact words down with my "I tried out for Wheel of Fortune" pencil, but unfortunately the only paper I had was my application. Speaking of the application, I knew I was in trouble when I saw questions including "Who's your favorite country music band?" (I decided the Dixie Chicks might be too subversive a choice) and "Do you like Nascar? Who's your favorite racer?" I should have put down Speedracer. He's a demon on wheels, you know. Anyway, the only familiar face I saw was a bartender from Samba Room in Naperville, notable because he participated in last year's impromptu version of the Samba Room dating game (Question: "If you could be any flavor of ice cream, what would you be?" Answer: "Neapolitan, because the vanilla is sweet, the chocolate is taboo, and the strawberry makes every woman want to lose their cherry." No, I don't get it either.) We started by watching an "exciting" video montage of Vanna and Pat gettin' their wheel on (set to chartbusting hits like Marky Mark's "Good Vibrations") and then lapsed into some rounds of the Wheel. Nothing really entertaining happened after that, except that I won a size XL Wheel of Fortune long-sleeved tee and a totebag, and other winners received exciting prizes like autographed pictures of Vanna. Sadly, there were no pics of Pat available. I don't think I had quite the level of excitement (or psychosis) required to make it on to the next round, but it was a good time, and I plan on trying out for more game shows (is Supermarket Sweep still on?) in the future.

Thursday night Megan, Nancy and I headed to Samy's for 50-cent beers and 50-cent tunes. Alas, it kind of sucked; the only entertaining moment was when a random guy came up behind me on the dance floor, took off his belt, and pretended to spank me with it. At that point we decided to head to Heroes, while stopping at Thorntons for gas and Tootsie Pops. We met up with Ryan and Melanie at Heroes, which was infinitely better, as I heard my new candidate for the Best Line Ever.

We'll start with a countdown of the other best lines (in no particular order):
5: (to Megan, by a patient): "You're a leftie! I've never dated a leftie before."
4: (to Shannon, by the Lone Wolf): "You're so f*ckin' beautiful. Would you like to go out for a meal?"
3: (to Melanie, by Naperville guy on Friday): "My friend's an artist, and he likes your shirt. Will you go talk to him?"
2: (to Nancy, by a Heroes patron): "You have a unique style! What's your nationality?"

And now we come to my favorite line. I was walking to the bar with the girls when a burly guy called me over to his group of lads. We start chatting and I notice he has an accent and I ask where he's from. He tells me he's from Mississippi, and that one of his friends is from Florida. I ask why they're here, and he says that they're Jackhammers. At some point at this exchange he comments on my Tootsie pop, asks me if I'm "rollin'" and makes a lewd reference to the idea of him taking the place of my Tootsie pop. I thought about going Tootsie Roll Owl on his ass, but I continued smiling and being polite; this was damn amusing. Finally we exchanged names, and this is where it gets good. Mr. Jackhammer says, "I'm Hank, this is my nekkid partner Brent, and we're gonna have a nekkid party with you!" I honestly don't recall how the conversation ended, but I was holding back tears of laughter by the time I got over to the girls. Later on Hank made some other comments to me about getting "nekkid" that I don't feel like putting on a "family" website (yeah, at this point it really isn't a family website, but I have my limits), but those were the highlights. Odd note: in Saturday's Herald News there was a full page article about Hank in which he commented about how much he liked Joliet and its friendly people.

Friday night found Melanie and I on our first summer evening outing to the bars of Naperville. The evening ended up being "Blast from the Past Night;" we ran into some random guys that Melissa, Jake, Shannon and I met last winter; miraculously I remembered their names (Dave and Joe, I think). At Features I was surprised to see Grrrreg (named this because he once growled at me), the guy I met last New Years Eve at Payton's Roundhouse. We also ran into the most notorious of Naperville locals: the male strippers we met last summer. I was quite amused that as we were leaving the bars for the evening, a male voice yelled out, "Nice seeing you again!" Not recognizing who it came from, I blankly replied, "You too!" As I walked away, I realized it was the bespectacled male stripper that reminded me of my ex-boyfriend and once tried to tempt Melanie with promises of sushi. Argh!!

Saturday Melanie stopped by St. Joe's Park for St. Paul's parish picnic and lost at Bingo, ate some smokies, and hid from the woman who thinks my name is "Sarah." We then met up with Megan, Eric and Kelly at the Jackhammers game. Unfortunately the team lost to the "Saltdogs" (what is a Saltdog? I know not.) but we enjoyed ourselves, especially singing along to the songs played when various Jackhammers went up to bat (the "Spongebob Squarepants" tune and "Hangin' Tough" were favorites). Hank's Floridian friend Brent pitched the game, but Hank did not see any action. It seems that the players on the Saltdogs might really "play for the other team," if you know what I mean, as most of their players signature tunes were disco or boy band. Another interesting newsbit: Heroes' flashlight lovin' former bouncer has been found, and he now works security at Silver Cross Field!! The personal highlight of the game for me was when my hairdresser caught a foul ball: yay Julie!

After the game we met up with Nancy, Courtney, and Rob at McBrody's, the new downtown Joliet bar. It's a very cute place, and while I wasn't a huge fan of their chips and dip, it has a fun atmosphere, great location, and an outdoor beer garden. We were treated to a surprise visit from our old pal "O.J." and enjoyed of all things, an Amy Grant singalong.

Father's Day was an exciting occasion; we celebrated my cousin's engagement with champagne toasts involving taking swigs from multiple champagne bottles passed around the yard and shots of Courvoisier. Other than that there's nothing new to report, my dad informed me of a column in the Herald News the other day about the possibility of a Joliet Hooters, so I'll have to check that out and put a review up soon.

Melrose Place-a "Melrose Cafe" guest restaurant review by Melanie

Reader Melanie of Joliet recently checked out Joliet's latest foray into family restaurants, the Melrose Cafe. I've been especially excited to learn about this establishment, as my dear departed Grandpa listed Family Table, aka "The Stable," which was located in the same building as Melrose, as his favorite local restaurant, even bringing in friends from sunny Florida to sample their Reuben sandwiches. My personal memories of the Stable include sampling their alcoholic beverages after a viewing of Zoolander, eating saganaki, and hearing Shannon's stories about getting violently ill after eating their mozzarella sticks. Let's hope Melanie's still feeling well after her first meal at the Melrose.

Do you remember the last time you craved fresh-squeezed orange juice or had free candy???Note from Emily: Yes, yesterday evening, when I got a Dum-Dum at my neighbors and had some fresh squeezed OJ from my fridge  Well, Melrose Restaurant (a.k.a. Melrose Place) is where you need to go.  Melrose is located in the former Family Table building.  But Melrose isn't just your usual family restaurant.  It has 'real' homemade soup---not Campbell's ABC soup, and a huge menu with about anything you'd want.  Note from Emily: Does it have Potato Mountain? This is quite an impressive generalization It's open 24 hrs, so you can go there for breakfast, swing by later for lunch,  stop by for a beer after a long day at work, and later stop by on the way home from the bars. Note from Emily: all in one day? I tried a veggie omelette. It was quite tasty. I even got to pick the type of cheese!  All breakfast meals come with a banana.  If you order coffee, the waitress leaves a coffee pot at your table, so be careful not to overdose.  The atmosphere's a little classier than Family Table.  I believe there were plants and fake granite table-tops.  On your wait out, be sure to grab some free candy, but PLEASE use a spoon for the jelly beans.

Unfortunately, I assume that Andrew Shue and the other Melrose Place regulars are not employed at the Melrose. However, I could be wrong. I also have a question: Does the Melrose cafe employ the same "the last customers didn't eat them, let's put them out for the next table" bread basket strategy that the "Stable" used? I'll do some research and let you know the results.