News You Can Use

1. Rolling Stone: 50 Cent's shot wounds helped his sound. So I was looking through old magazines and I found a March Rolling Stone with 50 Cent on the cover. As I hadn't known too much of Fitty when the article came out, I had only skimmed it when I bought it, so I read the article the other night. It's an illuminating look at this gangsta rapper, and I was amazed by what I learned about the aftermath of the incident in which Fitty was shot nine times at close range: "But more important for an MC, there was now a large, squarish hole through the left side of his lower jaw and a piece of bullet left in his tongue. He'd lost a bottom tooth and a U-shaped chunk of his gums, but his lazy tongue and the hole in his jaw gave him a slur like no one in hip-hop. 'There's a different sound now when I talk, 'cause of the air around the tooth,'50 says. 'Gettin' shot just totally fixed my instrument.' "

2. Melanie: The origins of the word cocktail may be more obvious than we think. One possible explanation for how the cocktail got its name stems from around the time of the Revolutionary War. Apparently a woman who owned an inn near Yorktown (Virginia, not the Yorktown Mall, haha) killed her neighbor's chickens and served their tails in the drinks, quite literally "cocks' tails." However, there are other theories, check this out for more info.

3. Megan: Skate West is hosting pro-wrestling. The blessed event will occur on September 27th. Wrestlers include Chandler McClure (not the most threatening name), XXXPlicit Content, and Stumpy. I always figured there was wrestling at Skate West, but I never knew it was of a legal or professional nature. I figured it was always more of a "scuffle." Though I've never been to Skate West, it can't be scarier than the Rainbow Roller Rink in Chicago, where we celebrated my friend Julie's 20th birthday a few years ago. We'd be on the floor and suddenly the place would clear except for my friends and I. After this happened a couple times we realized it was because people were having rumbles near the concession stand. Anyway, even funnier than the notion of wrestling matches at Skate West is the fact that they had them at Knights of Columbus last month.

4. Saved by the Bell DVDs Seasons 1 and 2: SBTB was even more dated than I remember. Highlights: mullets everywhere, Slater and Kelly entering a dance contest as the "Spandex Twins," which featured Slater in biker shorts, cowboy boots a plenty, the Zack Morris cell phone (always a favorite, but I'd forgotten just how huge it was, it looked like they took a cordless phone and used it as a cell), and my personal favorite, Kelly and Lisa's celebrity crushes. Kelly: Dennis Quaid. Lisa: Michael Jackson.

5. Blotter: September is "Bad Things Happen to Beer Drinkers Month" in Joliet, if items from yesterday and today's Herald News are any indication:

Man beaten after keeping his boots
JOLIET — A man drinking beer Tuesday on Eastern Avenue was beaten and robbed by a crook who took a fancy to his boots, according to police.
The 23-year-old victim suffered lacerations and bumps to his head in the 2:20 a.m. attack. He was treated for his injuries at Silver Cross Hospital.
The man who was beaten and another man were drinking beer on Eastern near Benton Street when two women walked up and asked to drink with them, police said.
While the four were drinking, a third man walked up, said he wanted the the 23-year-old's boots and attempted to remove them, police said.
The boot-lover apparently brandished a handgun and beat the 23-year-old. He also stole his wallet, according to police reports.

Beer tossed on woman
JOLIET — A local woman was doused with beer Tuesday, but emerged from the attack uninjured, though apparently damp.
The woman told police a 35-year-old man threw beer in her face about 12:30 p.m. Tuesday. She was in her Union Street home when the beverage was tossed on her, police said.
The woman said officers were called, but would not make a police report, according to a police report.

Let me get this straight: There was a police report that detailed how the woman would not make a police report? Anyway, I think this might be a good month to switch to Smirnoff Ice.

It's all right. . .

'Cause I'm saved by the bell! I'm so excited, I'm so excited, because the Saved by the Bell Seasons One and Two DVD set comes out today. Yes, this includes many of my favorites: the "Zack Morris is a 10!" subliminal message episode, the "sprain" with Casey Kasem, and, the chart topping "Jessie, these pills are dangerous!" Jessie on caffeine pills episode. Run, don't walk to your local electronics store to pick up this winner.

Ah, the Long weekend=lots o' stories. Let's discuss. First, some website news. The subscription thing is finally working, so if you subscribe, you should be getting regular emails from the subscription site rather than me when I update. Also, if you want to subscribe, please continue to use the link on the bottom of the page. For some reason the comments aren't working right now, but I'll try to fix that in a jiffy.

Thursday night: Heroes was overall not too exciting, I think we may be reaching the beginning of fall/everyone goes back to school phase where the bars are actually more entertaining on weekends. Nothing too much happened. There was a girl dancing on the Slut Box in a particularly frightening manner as her friend, dancing on the floor in front of her, seemed to be magnetically attracted to the box, gyrating as though her movements were out of her direct control. . Perhaps that particular Slut Box (the one closer to the DJ's booth, if you're curious) is actually "Pandora's Slut Box" and the girl was controlled by evil. Either or that or I'm just having a boring day at work and feeling particularly creative. As Nancy and I left Heroes, we walked by a man who looked at us and informed us that he had to take a leak. Why this bulletin was crucial info for us, I do not know. As long as he wasn't "taking a leak" anywhere near me, I was a happy camper. Our stop at the Hot Skillet later involved a man looking for jumper cables, offering a five-spot for help, leering cooks in the kitchen (it seems as though every trip to the Skillet involves leering cooks in the kitchen), giant saucers of communal ranch dressing, and, as reported later by our friend and birthday boy Steve, who was with a group of his own at the Skillet, a water fight in the back of the restaurant. Speaking of the Skillet, unlike their famous cheese sticks, some of their customers are less than savory:

Man flees Maneuvers after striking club owner JOLIET — The owner of Maneuvers, a night spot at 118 E. Jefferson St., told police that he was struck in the head by an underage patron he kicked out of the club early Saturday.
Owner Fred Schramm said he carded the patron and told him to leave, according to police reports.
The man, who was wearing an open yellow shirt, blue jeans and brown work boots, became so angry that Schramm escorted him outside, reports state. Once outside, the man, who is about 20, struck Schramm in the head, causing a cut above Schramm's left eye. The suspect fled in a vehicle.
The club owner told police he recognizes the suspect from past sightings at The Hot Skillet restaurant on Jefferson Street.

I wonder how he recognized him from the Skillet? It had to be the "open yellow shirt". Maybe he's like that woman on Seinfeld who always wore the same dress. I wonder if he would be so recognizable if the open yellow shirt was closed, by velcro, buttons, snaps, or even duct tape.

Friday: Courtney and I saw Uptown Girls at where else but Ghetto 8. I swear I must have some sort of aversion to films showing at Movies 10 because I always end up at 8. It seems like they always put the good movies at 8 (Finding Nemo, T3) and the not so good ones at 10 (American Wedding) just to mess with our minds. It's as though the quality of the movie has to be balanced out by the sketchiness of the theater. Anyway, Uptown Girls was a strange flick. It was a typical cheesy chick flick, but it had some really bizarre elements, such as a song about sheets of Egyptian cotton. No, I don't get it either. Also, Brittany Murphy was outperformed by a 9 year old. However, I was happy that Murray from Clueless was in it, it was nice to see a Clueless reunion. I'd give it about 2-2 1/2 stars. After the movie we met Melanie, Megan, Mel's brother Adam and his friends Steve and Matt at McBrody's. I saw a lot of people from high school and it felt like hanging out in Alumni Hall, only with beer and without the giant pictures of alumni and the mirrored walls. Also, I don't think I ever saw a hygienically challenged transient man with a duffle bag walk into Alumni Hall when I was in school, but maybe I just was absent that day. We had some interesting discussions while hanging out at McBrody's, including the bizarre emergence of the Olsen Twins, according to Rolling Stone, as "America's Favorite Fantasy" (Steve: "I remember watching Bob Saget change their shitty diapers. I feel old."), and my favorite word that I've ever found in the dictionary, "spitchcock." What is "spitchcock," you ask? "Spitchcock," which can be used as a verb or a noun, is a way to prepare eel, usually splitting it and either frying or boiling it. Whatever way you cook it, it's an awesome word, and comes in handy when you're writing a poem (or perhaps a rap) and you need to rhyme something with Hitchcock (When I cook my eel, I like to spitchcock, it gives me more thrills than Alfred Hitchcock). Anyway, it's useful as an all purpose word, ie "Spitchcock this!" "Let's get the spitchcock out of here!" and "Man, you're such a spitchcock." As you can tell, it was quite an educational evening, and I think we all learned a lot.

Saturday: I went up to Naperville with Rob, Courtney, and Mike. We stopped at the Last Fling for snacks (lemon shakeups rock my world), then went over to the bars. We spent the majority of our night at Features on the back porch, where we ate a lot of peanuts and were entertained by a man spending the night speaking in a fake accent that made him sound like Balki Bartokomos. While we found this highly amusing, another bar patron did not feel the same and at one point told "Balki" to "lick his dick." We offered to back Balki up if they came to blows, seeing as Cousin Larry wasn't anywhere to be found. We also saw ubiquitous Naperville bar patron Sonny, who Courtney and I met almost 3 years ago at the Samba Room. We did not greet him, as we didn't think he would recall us, but Mike, who had not met Sonny before, yelled, "Hey Sonny!" and Sonny returned the greeting with a "What's up, man?" Sonny must be quite the man about town, as even Balki knew him. Apparently they weren't "perfect strangers."
Sunday: The combination of the rain and trips to various area TJ Maxx's (they have screaming children before 9 pm as well as after) made for a dreary day. However, the night was fun. Melanie, Megan and I went to Naperville again and ended up at Features. We met up with a few guys from Yorkville who remembered Meetballs, the strip club I mentioned a few entries back, and one of them told me a story that may have been best kept to himself: when he was in high school, there was a night during which he was stoned and ate the pellets inside one of those air freshener balls, as a friend told him they were rock candy. I asked him what scent they were, and he thought they were vanilla, so I guess that would have been better than pine or something less food-related. We also saw one of the infamous Naperville male strippers, not in the buff, luckily.
As Monday was uneventful, that's about all I have for now, except for (of course), one more excellent Police Blotter entry from the Herald News. His future's not so bright. . .

Fake money
JOLIET — A shady man picked up some sunglasses from a Louis Joliet Mall store with a bad $100 bill Wednesday.
The man picked up the sunglasses from Designer Shades for $10.78 and paid for his purchase with a phony Franklin.
He walked out of the store with his sunglasses and $89.22 in real money.

. . .He's gotta steal. . .shades! Adios.