The Marquette County Tribune: Tales from the Mundane Side

Wisconsin continues to be entertaining. I had my first Swolley Sighting today at a local restaurant called the Goose Blind. The Goose Blind looks to be the Heroes and Legends of the area, they have a DJ "upstairs" on Fridays and Saturdays, but alas I won't be around to check it out. Other sightings at the Goose Blind included Joey Buttafuoco, a girl wearing thigh high fishnets, a sideways black baseball cap, a shirt with the British flag on it, and other items purchased from the back of Wet Seal, and a father who told his daughter to "back off" when she hugged him. Lovely stuff. When I drove by the local strip club, The Fox's Tail, the electronic sign outside read, "ATM on Premises." While I'm sure that it's convenient to have a place to get extra cash when all your dollars have been stuffed in "Diamond"'s G-string, I didn't think that would be the feature of a strip club that you'd advertise.
In other news, I got a copy of our local paper, "The Marquette County Tribune," today. Though I couldn't find a police blotter, as this tends to be a pretty crime-free area, the "M.C. Trib" did not fail to disappoint. One of the front page headlines is "Brat Fry & Dance on Friday night for Historic Preservation Society." While I know they're speaking of bratwurst, I couldn't help but picture some obnoxious children being lowered into a giant fryer. Page 4 features a picture of a girl in a prom dress standing next to a cow belonging to her fiancee's family, which apparently won 10th place at the "Wisconsin Holstein Futurity" at the Wisconsin State Fair. Page 5 has what is evidently a regular feature, titled "Recollections of Things I Forgot to Remember!" and detailing the rich history of Marquette County. Other highlights include pictures from the "Dude Looks Like a Lady" contest at the Relay for Life Event, and the columns, "News From Joanie's Home for the Happy Senior" and "News From the Montello Care Center." The latter two basically consist of who visited who at the two retirement facilities, including, "Flora Krueger's visitors were Irene Weir, Marlie Salzwedel, Barb Weckwerth, Valerie Pepin and Jelaine Koch. Valerie Pepin, Jelaine Koch and Barb Weckwerth also visited Pat Hughlet." Apparently Valerie Pepin, Jelaine Koch, and Barb Weckwerth get around. I'm thinking it's almost impossible for senior citizens living at either facility to have any kind of affairs because any kind of visits, conjugal or otherwise, are always listed in the paper. The "M.C. Trib" theme of TMI continues in the "Harrisville News" column. Apparently Ken Braker had a pacemaker put in a couple weeks ago, and columnist Arita Lentz wants her readers to send Ken their best wishes: "Ken came home on Thursday, August 7th. He is doing real good now. Good to hear this, Ken. Take care. Do send him a card, It (yes, she capitalized "It") sure feels good to receive a card." She continues to give Ken's address, along with that of Eleanor Thalacker, who fell in her home recently. Man, Arita, let Ken and Eleanor have some privacy! Much of the column, which takes up an entire half page of the paper, consists of things that Arita did during the week, including grocery shopping. I also think that Arita might have gotten drunk during the week; when talking about people who came to her house on August 8th, she says, "Mildred Frank stopped and maybe some others did." I believe that's all the good stuff from the paper, apparently it comes out every Thursday so I'll try to get another copy before we head home. If anyone has any good local stories while I'm gone, please let me know. Adios!

I'll Take Potpourri for $500, Alex

I got a lot of stories but no common theme, so today's column is a potpourri o'fun. First I'll go back to weekday adventures. On Tuesday, Melanie and I had "New Places Night," enjoying the spots less travelled in fair Plainfield. We started with a meal at Chompers on 30. I have to say that I liked this place; my adult grilled cheese (sounds like something from Skinemax, but it just had two kinds of cheese, tomato, and Dijon mustard) was quite tasty and Melanie enjoyed her margarita. There weren't many people there and I can't tell if this place is ever hopping, but the menu had a lot of tempting options. However, I will not be trying the chicken taco; Shannon informed me that it has corn in it, and if there was a first runnerup to peas on my "Most Unwanted Food" list, it's corn when it's unexpected. On the cob, yes! In a taco, aw naw. The other notable item from Chompers was the bumper sticker we saw in the parking lot, which read "Fat People Are Hard to Kidnap." Whether or not this theory came from experience, one does not know. Having a taste for ice cream, we decided to head to the long noticed, never entered "Dancing Tomatoes Pizza & Creamery," only to find out that with new owners came a loss of creamery. Some other day we'll check out the pizza and let you know the details. We then headed to downtown P-field to go to the Irish pub. It's a very cute place and the Irish coffee was the best I'd had besides in Ireland, but we were treated to an unexpected scene that made us decide to get out of there but quick: a menage a trois featuring two men in white tank tops, jeans, and tennis shoes and a blonde. The men were kissing the woman simultaneously, and at one point one of the men straddled the woman and spanked her. No, not quite what we were expecting from the Irish pub, so we met Angie at Alfa's for a fairly uneventful evening. Oh, in case you all were curious, the VIP chairs at Alfa's include ones belonging to "F'N Bill" and "F'N Wally." No, I haven't met them. . .yet.
Thursday's fun at Heroes and Legends including visits from Legends of the Past, including my pal Hillary from high school, her sister (and my JCA "l'il sis") Gigi, and our good buddy OJ. Adventures included seeing Whiskey Tango fans "J-Law," Tim, "Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember," "Plaid Man," and the random guy who yelled, "Whiskey Tango!" and high-fiving me near the dance floor, having another random man yelling "Miniskirt! Miniskirt!" and "Looky looky here!" at me while we were dancing, doing Jagerbombs (how anyone can do a shot in a wide mouth glass in one fell swoop is beyond me), and dancing (and eventually singing along, it was catchy) to some new rap song that includes the memorable lyrics, "To the window, to the wall, to the sweat drip down my balls." After Heroes, Gigi, Wens, and I headed over to Sam-why's for a brief stop before it closed. Judging from the lack of patrons, Samy's former status as the "hot spot" for Thursdays has come to a close. However, we did run into our old friend Adam and learn some lessons in martial arts outside, so all was not lost.
Wisconsin has been interesting so far. We were off to a good start when I heard two power ballads ("More Than Words" and "Heaven") on the way up. Last night's dinner at a local seafood restaurant was made entertaining by the oddly dressed waitress who wore the unlikely combo of a white sequined shirt with a big slash cut out of it, a long khaki "utility" skirt, and shoes with the toes curled like the Wicked Witch of the East. Today we did some shopping, and I saw not only a pillow that said, "God made us sisters, prozac made us friends," but also a picture that showed two clowns in a passionate embrace. Like two clowns in the jungle, makin' love. . . No mullets quite yet but I'm sure to be seeing some soon. We walked by a bar tonight that looked straight out of "The Accused," and I'm begging my dad to accompany me on a "fact-finding mission" at one of the local taverns, so we'll see how that goes. Time to hit the hay, mo' stories later!