I'll Take Potpourri for $500, Alex

I got a lot of stories but no common theme, so today's column is a potpourri o'fun. First I'll go back to weekday adventures. On Tuesday, Melanie and I had "New Places Night," enjoying the spots less travelled in fair Plainfield. We started with a meal at Chompers on 30. I have to say that I liked this place; my adult grilled cheese (sounds like something from Skinemax, but it just had two kinds of cheese, tomato, and Dijon mustard) was quite tasty and Melanie enjoyed her margarita. There weren't many people there and I can't tell if this place is ever hopping, but the menu had a lot of tempting options. However, I will not be trying the chicken taco; Shannon informed me that it has corn in it, and if there was a first runnerup to peas on my "Most Unwanted Food" list, it's corn when it's unexpected. On the cob, yes! In a taco, aw naw. The other notable item from Chompers was the bumper sticker we saw in the parking lot, which read "Fat People Are Hard to Kidnap." Whether or not this theory came from experience, one does not know. Having a taste for ice cream, we decided to head to the long noticed, never entered "Dancing Tomatoes Pizza & Creamery," only to find out that with new owners came a loss of creamery. Some other day we'll check out the pizza and let you know the details. We then headed to downtown P-field to go to the Irish pub. It's a very cute place and the Irish coffee was the best I'd had besides in Ireland, but we were treated to an unexpected scene that made us decide to get out of there but quick: a menage a trois featuring two men in white tank tops, jeans, and tennis shoes and a blonde. The men were kissing the woman simultaneously, and at one point one of the men straddled the woman and spanked her. No, not quite what we were expecting from the Irish pub, so we met Angie at Alfa's for a fairly uneventful evening. Oh, in case you all were curious, the VIP chairs at Alfa's include ones belonging to "F'N Bill" and "F'N Wally." No, I haven't met them. . .yet.
Thursday's fun at Heroes and Legends including visits from Legends of the Past, including my pal Hillary from high school, her sister (and my JCA "l'il sis") Gigi, and our good buddy OJ. Adventures included seeing Whiskey Tango fans "J-Law," Tim, "Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember," "Plaid Man," and the random guy who yelled, "Whiskey Tango!" and high-fiving me near the dance floor, having another random man yelling "Miniskirt! Miniskirt!" and "Looky looky here!" at me while we were dancing, doing Jagerbombs (how anyone can do a shot in a wide mouth glass in one fell swoop is beyond me), and dancing (and eventually singing along, it was catchy) to some new rap song that includes the memorable lyrics, "To the window, to the wall, to the sweat drip down my balls." After Heroes, Gigi, Wens, and I headed over to Sam-why's for a brief stop before it closed. Judging from the lack of patrons, Samy's former status as the "hot spot" for Thursdays has come to a close. However, we did run into our old friend Adam and learn some lessons in martial arts outside, so all was not lost.
Wisconsin has been interesting so far. We were off to a good start when I heard two power ballads ("More Than Words" and "Heaven") on the way up. Last night's dinner at a local seafood restaurant was made entertaining by the oddly dressed waitress who wore the unlikely combo of a white sequined shirt with a big slash cut out of it, a long khaki "utility" skirt, and shoes with the toes curled like the Wicked Witch of the East. Today we did some shopping, and I saw not only a pillow that said, "God made us sisters, prozac made us friends," but also a picture that showed two clowns in a passionate embrace. Like two clowns in the jungle, makin' love. . . No mullets quite yet but I'm sure to be seeing some soon. We walked by a bar tonight that looked straight out of "The Accused," and I'm begging my dad to accompany me on a "fact-finding mission" at one of the local taverns, so we'll see how that goes. Time to hit the hay, mo' stories later!

Whiskey Tango-Tales from Montello

Hey everyone, I'm in vacation in Wisconsin until next Thursday (don't worry, I'll be back for bar night), so look forward to a week of Whiskey Tango-Tales from Montello. There's definitely a lot of "culture" up here, so while updates may not be as frequent (or they could be more frequent if the weather is crappy), they will be filled with high quality stories. Highlights so far: we passed a rest area called "Bong Recreational Area." No, I did not see red-eyed people emerging from "The Bong," but I imagine it's quite a fragrant spot. Also, we used to frequent a restaurant called The Galley when I was younger, a nautical themed establishment with a big sign outside that read "EAT." Word on the street is that "EAT" is now a strip club called "The Fox's Tail," but I haven't seen it for myself yet, so I don't know if there's a sign outside reading "STRIP," or perhaps "BOOBS." I'll be back tomorrow with stories from last night at Heroes. Also, you can look forward to features from our local newspaper, The Marquette County Register. With columns like "The News from Montello Care Center," you can imagine that it's a hard hittin' publication. Adios.

Before I Forget

Swolly (or Swollie), according to "Brad," as told by "Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember" and "Plaid Man": tight sleeveless shirt worn by a guy in order to make his arms look muscular. Have you seen a swolly? Discuss! More later.

News You Can Use

Welcome to this week's edition of News You Can Use!

1. Legal Larry & the Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember: Crazy stuff happens in Coal City. I was sent an interesting article from the Coal City Courant about a man who claimed to be sexually assaulted by a neighbor. The man had invited said neighbor over for drinks when some crazy shenanigans (well, when are shenanigans not crazy?) occurred: "The man told police the neighbor asked to use the bathroom and when he returned he was dressed in nylons and a bra. My questions: did he bring the nylons and bra over to the neighbors? If so, what did he carry them in? A man purse or a "European satchel?" The article goes on, and the story gets more tawdry: "Sometime that evening the complainant reportedly passed out and told police he later awoke to discover his neighbor engaged in oral sex with him." Again with the questions: Why, oh why, did the evening of drinking go on after the bra and nylons incident? Did he drink to forget? Did the man keep the bra and nylons on? How was this explained? If the Coal City Courant ever follows up on this story, I hope I get the scoop.

2.The Coal City Courant: Coal City has a newspaper called the Courant. Who knew? Not I. I don't even know what a courant is. I know that "au courant" means in style or current, but I've had to hop to www.dictionary.com again to get the 411. They gave me two definitions for courant as a noun: "1. A piece of music in triple time; also, a lively dance; a coranto. 2. A circulating gazette of news; a newspaper." Although I'm sure they do the courant at Regi's BattaBoom Night Club in Coal City (especially these three) I assume that they're going for the latter meaning.

3.The Herald News: Stickers can hurt appliances: The Blotter on Saturday told the vengeful tale of a daughter's friend and her stickers:

Sticker intruder
JOLIET — A woman told police she has been plagued by a friend of her daughter who sneaks into her home at night and sabotages her appliances.
The woman told police this friend of her daughter enters her Iowa Avenue home while she is sleeping. The daughter's friend then places stickers on her home appliances so they will not function.

So what's the deal here? Are these smelly stickers? Lisa Frank stickers? And do they have magical powers, besides just smelling like pizza, skunk, etc.? Is the daughter in on this along with Sticker Sabotagin' Sallie? Also, can't she just peel them off?

4.MTV: One of the Kids from Kids Incorporated is now in the Black Eyed Peas. So I'm watching the "Where Is the Love" video by the Black Eyed Peas, and there's this blonde girl singing in it. I think to myself, "She looks like that girl from Kids Incorporated, Stacy. So I do a little research, and I was right. Quite a jump for Stacy; I wonder what happened to Martika?

Today's Herald News' Common Sense features a few Joliet-centered poems by Tim Placher. Check them out, especially my favorite, "9:20 pm at the Maxx," about mothers who take their kids shopping for the "maximum at the minimum" past their bedtimes. I especially love the closing lines "You go and buy your tube top/And some discontinued sheets./Come wake me when you're all checked out./Now, let me get some sleep."

That's all she wrote. Hasta pronto.

Yo, This Is Dylan, You Know the Drill

Another fun quiz for you all. As usual, post your results under comments or on the TagBoard!




What 90210 Character Are You?