(Heroes and) Legends of the Summer

Wake up, wake up, wake up, it's the first of the month. . . Heroes update in un segundo, we got some Herald scoop first. The Herald continues in its tradition of interesting use of quotation marks in a Blotter entry regarding a 65 year old woman who showed a model home to a man that she thought had more than just real estate in mind; the man, who had "big brown eyes"(was he 5'5" with brown eyes and a smile like the sunrise?) apparently "put his face close enough to her face that he would be able to 'kiss her'." Again, why is kiss in quotation marks? Was it an air kiss, or an Eskimo kiss? Another great unsolved mystery of the Herald News. . . In other Joliet news, today's front page news is awesome! Downtown Joliet might be getting an upscale nightclub by November! Plans include a multilevel dancefloor, a bar made of crushed glass (ow! I guess that's opposed to a floor made of crushed glass like your typical night at Samy's or Heroes), and a mezzanine level for members only. Mark my words, I will be a member. I can't tell you how entertained I am by this idea, especially this quote by developer John Bays: It's going to be unbelievable," Bays said. "We're hoping to draw some people from Naperville and Chicago ... I don't think Joliet's had anything like this before." True that, John Bays, true that. I have to say that the thing I don't like about going out in Chicago is that while the bars themselves are awesome, you just don't necessarily get the entertaining people you find in J-town. Perhaps now we'll have the "upscale" setting of a Chicago bar with the local flavor of J-town residents, that sounds like an irresistible combo (speaking of combos, do they still make Combos anymore? They were kind of nasty). And can you imagine the fashion? Considering how people get gussied up for a sportsbar like Heroes, the outfits at "Club J" (as I'm calling it for now) are going to be out of control.

Speaking of out of control fashion, I saw all kinds of styles at Heroes last night. There were lots of softball jerseys, a large group of "Corporate Kevins" in shirts and ties, some mesh tops from the '80's, and some chicks with their Daisy Dukes on. Truly disturbing. The stormy weather brought everyone inside, so it was completely packed, and it was hard to get from one side of the bar to another without seeing a familiar face. Yet another shout out to Legal Larry, hope you enjoyed your evening! I saw my former high school dean, and also saw my "Li'l Sis" from JCA, it makes me feel old that she's able to go to bars now. "Li'l Sis" and her friends coined an interesting phrase for the boxes that you can dance on at Heroes: the "Slut Boxes." Now I beg to differ since my friends and I often frequent the boxes, but some of the girls that go up there definitely put the skank in "skanky" with their grinding, so I can see where the phrase might be appropriate. It was definitely a night of discovery at Heroes as we found out that some of the bar stools have names engraved on the back of them, I don't recall many of the names but one was "Sammy"; maybe he stole the extra "m" from our favorite Mall Loop sportsbar. While sitting in "Sammy"'s seat I struck up a conversation with a bar patron who seemed to have missed the "Say it, don't spray it" etiquette class. As I wanted the news and not the weather, I ventured elsewhere.

An entertaining blast from the past came in the form of a guy who approached me and said he knew me from somewhere. We figured out that we had met at Larsen's last winter, and I recalled that he was Chapstick Boy, the guy who danced with me while applying Chapstick. We had been unable to decipher if the Chapstick was to soothe his lips or to prepare for a kiss, but he had not been seen since. Chapstick boy and I made small talk for a while until sure enough, he brought out the Chapstick, and I quickly had to stifle my laughter. Another strange encounter (yes, this was the night of strange encounters) came on the dance floor near the end of the evening. A guy approached me and smiled as though he knew me, and I looked at him blankly. His response (and I'm pretty sure I heard this right): "Hey asshole, I'm your neighbor!" Again, I looked at him blankly. He asked if my name was Amy. I said no. I asked where he lived. He said Fond Du Lac. Again, no. He agreed that I was not his neighbor, and we parted ways.

After Heroes we had another trip to the Truck Stop. As we left the parking lot the guys in our vehicle were passing around a cigar. Suddenly a random man walked up to the window and asked, "Can I have a hit?" We quickly exited the lot and headed to the Truck Stop, where the kindly yet tough waitress, who had waited on us last week, gave me a special order of a "Potato Hill" after remembering that I had a hard time consuming the whole mountain last week. That's it for now--enjoy el fin de semana!

Shorty's Favorite Quiz

I posted this earlier, but it disappeared. This is too hilarious.


"in da club"


which 5o cent SONG are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Please post your results under comments or on the tagboard!!!

What You Crave?

The White Castle on Jefferson continues to be the hot spotfor crime in J-town, according to the Herald News. Read the whole article for details (it's a little long to put in here), but here's the Cliff Notes. A couple off-duty officers were enjoying Sliders at the local Castillo Blanco when they saw some men giving female customers a hard time. They went to break it up, and one of the cops ended up getting hit in the head with a sap. This continued into a fight that "spilled out of White Castle and into the parking lot." Luckily, the sap was recovered. My main question is this: what the heck is a sap? I assumed it was some kind of tree branch, and wondered what would make someone bring it into White Castle. Realizing I was probably wrong about this, I did some research. According to dictionary.com, "sap" has several definitions. My two favorites were "a gullible person; a dupe," and "a leather-covered hand weapon; a blackjack." While the image of someone hitting someone in the head with a "gullible person" was quite amusing, I assume that the sap in question was indeed a "leather-covered hand weapon." I also doubt that maple syrup was involved in the melee, unless it was used as a dipping sauce for "chicken rings." Speaking of which, I have a surprising confession: I have never eaten White Castle in my life. I was tempted by the offer of chicken rings once, but I just don't feel that chicken should come in ring form, it's not a Life Saver for goodness sake. When and if I ever eat White Castle, I will be sure to document it for Whiskey Tango.

News You Can Use

Introducing a new feature to Whiskey Tango: News You Can Use. I also enjoy the title "Things That Make You Go Hmmm. . ", so take your pick. Every week I acquire some new pieces of knowledge that I didn't have before; for example, as previously mentioned, when God made the woman I saw at Red Lobster the other night, he was "Just Showing Off." Here are some other items of note, along with their sources.

1. Melanie: In his later life, Napoleon grew breasts, or as some might call them "man boobs."

2. Shannon: The capitalization for Jackhammers (as in the Joliet baseball team) is "JackHammers."

3. Rap, by Keith Elliot Greenberg: This is the book I picked up at the St. Joe's Picnic. It was published in 1988, and has many, many amusing fun facts. But don't just take my word for it, check these out:
a. A quote from Darryl McDaniels of Run-D.M.C. (RIP Jam Master Jay) about using celebrity to help education: "Little kids like to follow me around the neighborhood. I tell them to stay in school. Then I give them money to get something in the deli." Stay in school and eat a sandwich, homeboy!
b. Some Rap Vocabulary Lessons: Homeboy is a "friend from the neighborhood." I guess the old man next door is my "homeboy." Snapping is "to insult someone, usually in a joking way, as in, 'Stop snapping on me, homeboy.' " My personal favorite: wack means "stupid, as in 'Crack is wack.' "
c. Jam Master Jay (again, RIP) studied mortuary science at Queens College: "Everyone said rap was a fad. I knew death wasn't a fad, so I majored in mortuary science."
d. William "Refrigerator" Perry is an honorary Fat Boy.

4. My cousin Dave: Freeport High School's teams are known as the Freeport Pretzels.

5. Weber Road: Mr. H's closed and I didn't even notice! For all I know it's been closed as long as Goldblatts, which I think was open for 2 days.

6. Kelly: It is Pez's policy not to put real people on a Pez dispenser.

7. Wendy: Cats' tongues lap water upside down. Also, a cure for hiccups is to ask the hiccupper (sp?) when the last time they saw a robin was.

8. MTV: I could have made Ruben Studdard's "Flying Without Wings" video in Br. Sean's studio at JCA.

B-I-N-G-NO!

I found the following gem in today'sBlotter:

Threats reported
JOLIET — Women from a West Side independent-living apartment complex threatened the daughter of another resident when she tried to make waves at their bingo game, police said.
The daughter told police she was visiting her mother at Marycrest Village apartments Saturday and asked the caller of a bingo game if 'they had a license to play,' police said.
The woman visited her mother at the 2115 Marmion Ave. apartments again Monday, police said, and a woman in her 60s pointed at her and said, 'You're going to be sorry for what you did ... '
Another woman around the same age then reportedly told the daughter, 'It's not over yet.'"

I can't believe that someone would feel so threatened by Bingo players that she'd call the police. Then again, maybe she's just smart enough to realize that if there's one thing you don't mess with, it's a senior citizen and her bingo. I'm just picturing this woman waking up with a bingo cage over her head or a face full of purple marks from those stamper things they use to mark their cards. Or worse yet, she could be ostracized by residents of the complex who would pelt her with Bingo balls as she walked by. Just imagine: "O-54? Here's your O-54, beeyotch!"

Any Way You Want It

As usual, I have lots to talk about. First, some updates from the Herald News. . .

Day care worker reported

JOLIET — A far West Side woman alerted police to a worker at her daughter's day care allegedly pinching her nose Tuesday.
The 6-year-old girl suffered a scratch and redness from the purported pinching, police said. An evidence technician photographed the girl's nose and the Department of Children and Family Services was contacted, but declined to investigate the matter.
The girl reportedly told her mother that she was laying down in her bus seat when a "teacher" at her day care pinched her nose and told her to get up.
The child not require medical attention, police said.

Wow. What is this world coming to? PINCHING requires the police? I wonder if the redness the girl suffered was anything like that guy who had redness to the lip a few weeks back. Another question: why is the "purported pincher" referred to as a "teacher"? What distinguishes a "teacher" from a teacher? When wannabe educators head off to school, can they choose between a teaching certificate and a "teaching" certificate? I'm thinking teacher vs. "teacher" is similar to beef vs. "beef-not," the meat substitute they had in our dining halls in college. In other Herald News News. . .

Man beaten with bat in parking lot

JOLIET — A local man was beaten in a West Jefferson Street parking lot early Friday by a man wielding an aluminum baseball bat, police said.
The 26-year-old man was treated by fire department paramedics after the 1:50 a.m. attack in the parking lot outside Menards.
The man told police he was in the bar Heroes and Legends when his assailant grabbed him by the throat.
He reportedly knows his attacker and told police he and the other man are involved in an ongoing dispute over some "artwork" the 26-year-old was to have undertaken for the man he says beat him.
The man was not bludgeoned with the bat until after he left the bar, police said.

Considering that while I had fun at Heroes on Thursday, it was probably the least exciting night in terms of website stories ever, I guess most of the action was occurring outside the bar, though we did see the beginnings of a rumble earlier in the night while we were on the dance floor. I'm thinking that might have been the precursor to the "artwork" (again with the quotes! what was it, paint by number?) throwdown. If only they could have had a dance-off instead, I'd love to see the brawlers dancing out their anger to "Cameltoe." And in our final Herald News item o'the day, there was a raid on fake Gucci purses and watches in a West Side residence Thursday night. Now I have a fake Coach purse that I got in New York with "G's" instead of "C's," and I call it my "Goach" purse. What do you call a fake Gucci? Cucci? Hucci?

Ok, the weekend. Post-Heroes I went to the truck stop with Wens, Rob, and Mike. As I've mentioned before, I love this place. Why is it that I love the Truck Stop so? Is it the sign that never really says "Truck Stop, " instead reading "Uck Stop" or even "Uck Op?" Is it the kindly, yet tough waitresses that call you honey and touch the top of your head to get your attention? Probably not. Is it the black and white TV's at each table, that, with 25 cents, can bring you late night entertainment usually in the form of Shipmates or The Fifth Wheel? Is it the fact that I once actually started, rather than finished, my evening out at the Truckstop when I was taken there on a date? (It's even scarier before midnight, let me tell you), or is it the plethora of old video games like the Aerosmith shooting game? Nope, it's none of those things. It's the Potato Mountain. (note-it's best pronounced, Potato Mout-In, kind of like "Mart-in"). Now I'm sure I've mentioned the Mout-In before in passing, but let me give you a full description. It's a pile of artery clogging heaven: a big platter of fries with melted cheese and bacon bits, and a side of ranch dressing. It's a taste sensation, I'll tell you that much. I've never eaten any other fine cuisine at the Truck Stop, so I don't know if anything else compares, but mmmmm mmm mmm Potato Mout-In.

Friday night Courtney and I headed out to the mall to get our shop on, then met our moms and my brother for dinner at Red Lobster, for the seafood lover in you. Seafood lover sounds a little sketchy to me, but anyway. Red Lobster on a Friday night brings out many of Joliet's finest, including a large and in charge woman wearing a t-shirt that read "When God made me, he was just showing off." To quote Courtney: "I've never seen the word 'God' stretched across someone's chest before." Speaking of Red Lobster apparel, our waitress for the evening went by the name of Bunny. Now when my family used to frequent Red Lobster years ago, we were always entertained that they had a waitress named Bunny (we also used to change the words on the Fresh Fish board to read "Grilled Teamster," and, unsuccessfully, "Fried Shit"), so my mom and brother were amazed to see she was still hopping around the Lobster, though for some reason (seniority?) she had a different colored shirt than the rest of the employees. Bunny has made such an impression in the hearts and minds of our family that when my mom got home and asked my dad to guess who waited on us at Red Lobster, he answered, "Bunny?" After our fine meal, Courtney and I headed out to Ghetto 8 (Movies 8) to see "How to Deal." The movie was a bizarre mix of teen angst and every possible disaster/rite of passage known to man (death by heart attack, pregnancy, divorce, wedding, first kiss, broken engagement, pregnancy, birth), but was still very entertaining. Also cool: a trailer for Dirty Dancing 2!!!!! I just hope someone puts Baby in a corner this time, since she's like the wind and all.

Saturday: Jackhammers game. They lost. Shocker! This was the first game I've attended since the tragic trade of Hank "Nekkid Party" Thoms to Fargo, and it just wasn't the same. However, I consoled myself by eating my other current favorite food, the grilled chicken sandwich at Jack's Snacks. It's just incredible, a big chicken breast on a bun, grilled to perfection, and most likely the healthiest thing offered at the games. Not that I usually worry too much about eating healthy (note: Potato Mout-In), but it's good to know. After the game we headed over to McBrody's for a beer, where I had my first ever meeting with Whiskey Tango fans! A big shout out goes to Tim Placher and "Legal Larry" for chatting with me about the site, keep on reading! We then hung out at Megan's and called it a night.
Sunday's monsoon (I spent it watching reruns of "Battle of the Network Stars," that show is awesome!) made me wonder if the St. Joe's Picnic would still go on, but luckily the weather cleared up and Megan, Melanie and I enjoyed a night at "So Joliet It Hurts." The Michael Heaton Band performed and we had a good time dancing to Cheap Trick covers, especially when a random little girl joined our posse. I, of course had a smokie to get caught up in the "Slovenian flavor" of the evening. One of the funniest parts of the night was when Megan had me laughing so hard that I was doubled over, and as I was doubled over, someone threw their beer cup into a nearby garbage can, splashing me in the process. Also interesting was the table of books they were giving away. Melanie took a bunch of them for her piano students, and Megan and I took a look as well. We were entertained by a book called Willie's Whizzmobile, but not as much as a random guy who was looking over our shoulders. I found a children's book about rap music that was written in 1988 that I took home with me. There'll be more about the book and other "fun facts" in my upcoming News You Can Use entry that I'll probably be posting later today!